0326: The Ides of March – Chapter 1, Part 1

Title: The Ides of March

Author: eventidespirit 

Topic: Gundam Wing, Sailor Moon, LOTR?

Media: Anime

Genre: Humor, Adventure

URL: The Ides of March 

Critiqued by: Em Kay

Greetings and salutations, Wardens and lunatics. Today I’ve got not one, but two new canons for the Asylum; Sailor Moon and Gundam Wing.

Since there’s no way around the infodumping and I am fairly familiar with Sailor Moon, we’ll start there.

Sailor Moon is the English dub of the Japanese anime Pretty Soldier Sailor Moon, and aired in the US in the mid 1990s. I specify this because there are some plot differences between the original Japanese version and the English dub thanks to American children’s television regulations at the time and this fic seems to be pulling specifically from that version.

The series revolves around a middle school student called Serena Tsukino who, thanks to a talking cat, is given the power to transform into the titular character, Sailor Moon. She is eventually joined by the other Sailor Scouts, who are also middle school students, and the series mostly has them defeating a monster-of-the-week with occasional progression of the overall plot to defeat the villains of the Negaverse. 

Like Sailor Moon, each of the other Sailor Scouts (Mercury, Venus, Mars, and Jupiter for the purposes of this fic) has a secret, everyday identity and transforms into their Sailor selves as needed.

Sailor Mercury, aka Amy Anderson, is the “brains” of the group. She uses her intelligence to be the group’s strategist rather than directly fighting most of the time, and the attacks she does have are water-based (which I always found ironic for a planet almost baked into oblivion by the sun). In everyday life, she’s a shy and timid bookworm who prefers to study and keep to herself.

Sailor Venus is one of the last to join the Sailor Scouts, and therefore does not have a lot of characterization in the early series. She is, however, a very competent fighter and tends to be more on the serious side. Her everyday persona is Mina Aino. 

Sailor Mars is the short-fused hothead of the group, so it’s no surprise that her powers are tied to fire. Her civilian identity is Raye Hino, a Shinto priestess who works with her obligatory perv of a grandfather at the Hikawa shrine. For some reason, in the anime she is portrayed as absolutely obsessed with boys and constantly trying to get a boyfriend. She tends to bicker with Serena a lot, but is loyal to her regardless.

Sailor Jupiter is connected to the element of lightning. She is also the brawn of the group, using brute strength and martial arts to overcome her foes. In everyday life, she goes by Lita Kino. She lives alone, since her parents are both deceased, and is an excellent cook.

The last Sailor Scout we’ll cover is Sailor Moon. She has the Power of Crying (nope, not making that up. She has magical healing tears and her wails are a sonic attack). She’s very reluctant to fight the villains at first, preferring to run away and crying a lot. Her secret identity, Serena Tsukino, also resorts to whining and crying all the freaking time and she is often called a crybaby, especially by the much more gung-ho Raye. Ultimately, her biggest trait is laziness, which manifests itself in constantly being late to everything and poor grades due to lack of studying. Just what you want in a hero, right?

Finally, the Tsukino family consists of our heroine Serena, as well as her mother Ikuko, father Kenji, and younger brother, Sammy.

Whew! That’s the basics, anyway.

Now, I know very, very little about Gundam Wing and since I don’t think there’s any references to it in this chapter, I’ll get to that infodump later.

With that out of the way, let’s see what the summary has to offer.

Strange happenings, mysterious strangers, misadventures in the bathroom, a spying escapade, and a bit of a LOTR parody…what else could go wrong? 

I’m not quite sure what “misadventures in the bathroom” means, but on a scale of plunger to Lorenzo, I’m really hoping for the less disgusting option of the plunger.

(guarantee from the author: this will cheer you up if you are having a crappy day 🙂 ) read and review!

That… never bodes well.

All right, I finally figured out how to get italics in a story on the site!

Formatting Em: Hoo-freaking-ray. This fic just got a thousand times more annoying to format.

Disclaimer: I own nothing, so sue me. I dare ya.

Obligatory pointless disclaimer: Check!

Ides of March Episode 1: Strange Happenings

First off, please stop putting your title in the prose. We already had to click on it to get this far, we haven’t forgotten what it’s called. Second, are we in a Star Wars prequel/sequel now? That wasn’t listed in the canons!

Hi! My name is Serena. I’m too lazy to describe all my pals and who I am and all that junk. 

Thanks for your honesty?

Hmmm… When did this all start? 

Two sentences ago?

It was June 30. 

Uh, no. It’s still May.

Oh! No! That’s my birthday. Or maybe it was October 31, 

Well, the fic was published in October, but not on the 31st-

no that’s Halloween. No that can’t be it.

*Em sighs.*

It’s a good thing this isn’t tedious at all.

Raye grabs the pen from Serena. 

Okay, so italics is for things outside the fic?

Since Serena is such a dumb… Raye is about to write a rather unpleasant word when everyone gasps and Serena (in slow motion) runs towards Raye 

Raye just snatched the pen out of her hand. How long are Raye’s arms?!

and pushes the paper away. Inconspicuously, at the same time, she manages to take Raye’s pen without anyone seeing.

Anyone being… the audience? But you just told us she took- Goddamn it!

*DCA operatives obviously storm into the room invisibly while unseeable DRD agents discreetly enter by entering discreetly. The lone, unnoticeable DCB agent rush in full view, en masse to Em’s desk where the DRD agents conceal Em’s snacks by making them less apparent. Both the DRD and DCA agents, as well as the DRD agents, imperceptibly exit the room as conspicuously as possible by leaving in an obvious, unobtrusive way.*

I really hate those guy, and those other guy, too. 

Serena takes a huge breath. “There is to be absolutely and I mean absolutely no cursing! (An American flag appears in the background and the “Star Spangled Banner” begins to play.) Raye! You should be ashamed of yourself. You were about to commit a heinous deed. By saying that dreadful word, you could have sullied our pure reputation as sailor scouts. 

*Em has her typical reaction to a Patton-esque speech and immediately falls asleep.*

This is supposed to be a G-rated fan fic and we’re supposed to be the sailor scouts! There are tons of little kids looking up to you, to all of us. Do you know how bad an example you could have set for those kids by saying that word? We are the sailor scouts and we must be good role models! Oh! Geez how did I know how to use all these words? Guess I’ve been hanging around Amy too much.”

*Em yawns and blinks, bleary-eyed.*

Huh? Oh, right. Serena dumb blonde. Much humor.

At this point, all the scouts except Raye have been sweat dropping like crazy. 

Where the hell did all of them come from?

Also, we really should have added Anime Emoticons to the Bingo Board.

Raye, meanwhile, took Serena’s speech seriously and has put her head down in ignominy and her eyes have started to water. 

Seriously? You’re going to drop a word like “ignominy” a sentence after “sweat dropping”?

“Oh dear! I’m being such a horrible role model. 

Honestly, it depends on which version of Sailor Moon we’re talking about. If it’s the boy-crazy, short-fused 90s anime Raye, I agree.

I should now write an apology letter or note to all my fans. Hey! Wait a second, where is my pen…Serena!”

*Em sighs heavily in “LOLRandom.”*

Raye is furious as she realizes that she has been fooled by Serena (of all people)

IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE SERENA IS DUMB. YOU GET IT?

and pulls Serena down in a foot lock as she tries to grab the pen from Serena. 

It looks like that’s a thing, although Raye is a priestess, not a Jiu Jitsu master.

Serena is screaming out in pain when Amy suddenly interrupts the two. “Hey you two, don’t fight. And I just found out when all our misadventures began. According to my diary which contains all my most private innermost thoughts, it says it was the Ides of March or the fifteenth of March.” Mina gasps. “A diary with all of Amy’s most private and innermost thoughts? Oh my gosh! I’ve gotta read that. Oh! Amy let me see.” 

Formatting is important, author. The way it’s written, it looks like Mina said all of that.

She tries to get Amy’s diary, but Amy runs away. Mina, being the graceful one of the group, accidentally trips on Raye and Serena who are still wresting each other and fighting for the pen as she chases Amy.

Such humor. Much funny.

Raye suddenly realizes that after Mina tripped over her, her hair has (gasped) been messed up. 

 I didn’t even know hair had past tense lungs.

Crying out bloody murder, Raye releases Serena and starts chasing after Mina. 

*Em pinches the bridge of her nose.*

Wasn’t there supposed to be a fic in this fic somewhere?

At this precise moment, Lita enters the room and sees all the commotion. Amy has mysteriously vanished 

I envy her.

and Raye is madly chasing Mina around the room. “Lita help me! Raye has gone nuts!” 

YOU GET IT? BECAUSE RAYE IS SHORT-TEMPERED. YOU GET IT?

Meanwhile, Serena is still sprawled on the floor, exhausted from wrestling Raye.

Still? Were we supposed to be told about this at some point?

After seeing that well comparatively, Mina was the most sane out of the three girls in the room since Raye is quite insane angry and Serena is well dazed,

You just had to throw that “quite” in there so I couldn’t use the “well, well, well” meme, didn’t you.

Lita decided to Mina about what had happened. 

I prefer to Em about things, but to each their own.

In response, Mina breathlessly pants “Must read Amy’s diary which contains all of her most private and innermost thoughts. Raye get off me! Amy’s getting away!” The realization of a diary full of private secrets suddenly hits Lita 

As opposed to all those public secre- Goddamn it!

*DRD agents secretly storm the room in secret, empty Em’s private snack drawer of private snacks, and secretly exit through the private DRD exit.*

We will not speak of this again.

and she sees Amy quietly and quickly trying to head down the stairs. “Amy! You are not getting away! Screw privacy! Let me see your diary!” Lita starts chasing after her 

 Is this entire fic just a Yakety Sax marathon?

and Mina who has finally figured out that she could indeed try to get away from Raye by leaving the room and also begins to chase after Amy. 

Well, sure, but has anyone really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like?

Of course, Raye is still insanely furious with Mina for (Heaven forbid messing up her hair) and continues chasing after Mina. 

*Em opens an emotional support beverage and begins to chug it.*

Serena starts to follow but then realizes that she is alone, still has the pen (which is surrounded by a golden halo right now and the song hallelujah starts playing),

and that she could be the first one to narrate the story. 

Can she, though?!

After all, everything did begin at her house.

Thus begins our story, 

I don’t believe you.

with Serena narrating the first chapter/episode.

Ha! I get to write the first episode of these series. 

I don’t think two chapters of one fic counts as a “series.”

In your face Raye! Wow, I went through all that trouble just to write the first episode… 

Uh, no you didn’t because you still haven’t started it yet.

I wonder how much trouble it will be to write the last episode… 

Could you concentrate for half a second on what you’re supposed to be doing right now?!

Oh! Forget about the last chapter for now. 

Thank you.

I will find another plan to deviously prevent my friends from writing it. 

Anyways it all started on a cold dreary and stormy night. 

I’m going to ignore how hopelessly cliche that is and just be thankful this thing has finally started a quarter of the way through the chapter.

The lightning flashed outside our house in the direction of that evil institution called school where there are worse things than monsters and villains like teachers and homework and tests that just pop out of no where and pounce on you. 

Good grief, we get it. Serena is dumb and hates school and all things knowledge. You can stop beating us over the head with it now.

The thunder reverberated outside. Yes, another typical day. I will be heading to that torture chamber called school. As I contemplated these thoughts, suddenly a monster with an ax in its hand stood behind me prepared to strike…

Harri: Rude!

Yiiaaaah! 

*Em is startled out of her chair.*

Harri: Stupid kid can’t even tell a dagger from an axe.

What the hell are you doing here?!

Harri: My job, what did you think?

Someone hired you to take out this version of Serena?

Harri: Well, I don’t work for free.

I know taking out Mary Sues is a thing on some riff sites, but it’s not a thing in the Asylum.

Harri: Money doesn’t care if it’s “a thing.”

Look, my point is you can’t do that here. We have rules.

Harri: Money doesn’t care about-

Rules. I get it. It’s just that I just started this riff and… Wait, is there a specific time limit on when this… job needs to be done?

Harri: And why in the seven realms would I postpone a job for you?

Because Jora is unsettlingly loyal to me and he can get ahold of Galentrue, your bestest buddy.

*Harri’s expression darkens.*

Harri: I see. How long are we talking?

*Em flips a few pages.*

Three, maybe four weeks?

*Harri pulls out a small, leather-bound notebook and skims through it.*

Harri: So, the eighteenth?

At the most.

Harri: I suppose I could be convinced to put it off that long, if I had to.

I appreciate that.

*Harri flops down into the chair under the clock and begins idly twirling her dagger.*

So, you’re just going to hang out here for the next few weeks?

Harri: The sooner you get back to that fic, the sooner I do can my job.

Fine.

O dear! I’m sorry, got carried away there. I’ve always wanted to write a mystery. Besides didn’t that just spice up the story a bit.

About as spicy as mayonnaise. Who are you kidding?

Who am I kidding? 

Gah! Stop that!

It truly all began on a typical dirt boring school day…

Since when do the Sailor Scouts attend Civil Engineering Middle School?

I screamed as I looked at the time. As usual, I was late. Wait; in fact, I was even later than I was usually, which is not saying too much. 

Yes, Serena is so lazy that she’s almost always late to school. It’s a gag the series just will not let go of.

(I have been prone to waking up in the middle of the school day and then rushing there.) 

(Which is a ridiculous exaggeration of Serena’s tardiness, lol!)

“Oh my God! It’s almost seven. Mom! Why didn’t you wake me up?” I yelled as I grabbed my uniform and bag and quickly ran downstairs. 

Most people get dressed before leaving their room.

Sammy and dad were both rushing around too. “Serena, did you see your mother?” I shook my head. Where was she?

Maybe she’s with that disembodied voice?

Gasp! My mom didn’t wake us up. 

Yes, we’ve already established this.

Why? Did she (gasp) forget? Or maybe she purposely didn’t wake us up? What did we ever do to get this sort of abuse? 

Dang, the woman snoozes one alarm and it’s classified as abuse?

“Sammy! Dad! We need to find mom! Search the house completely! We must search every floor, room, cabinet, and crack in the wall until we find mom. Signal SOS with your flashlights (I handed them out right then) when you find any clues as to the whereabouts of mom!” (Geez, I must really stop hanging around Amy.)

What could this harebrained idea possibly have to do with Amy, the strategist of the group?

We split up quickly and in less than half a second later I see a flashlight going off. Sammy’s flashlight. “Dad! Serena!” Sammy yelled. “Mom’s hiding under the table. 

I don’t blame her for hiding from this fic.

Mom get up!”

“Don’t you know it’s bad luck to even be walking around on the Ides of March?

Harri: Bad luck to be walking around?

If you’re dressed as a caesar salad, maybe. Why would it be unlucky for random people to go about their day?

The planets are aligned! 

Is this about that whole “mercury in retrograde” thing? Look, Mercury’s orbit is so fast that it’s “in retrograde,” aka seeming to move backwards compared to the rest of the night sky, for several weeks every few months. It’s not really something you need to worry-

I tried to warn as many people as I could, but my own family doesn’t even listen to me. Wahhhhhhhh! See look at all the math I did.” My mother began to explain herself. A huge pack of papers with lots of math done in small handwriting fell to the ground. 

…

Did somebody drug Ikuko?

Huge sweat drops fell from our heads. 

Gross! Now we have to mop. Minions!

*The floor has suddenly always been dry and free of perspiration.*

“Look, since fifteen plus eighteen divided by sixteen and multiplied by fifty six plus a zero place holder equals seven thousand twenty four and the square root of ninety five million eighteen hundred times one thousand plus I or root –1 creates a parabola when applied graphically to an equation…”

Did… Did she take Serena’s ADHD meds or something? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!

We are completely dazed for at least twenty minutes after mom finishes. Sammy gains his senses the first. 

Oh come on, we’ve already had the days of the month run around in this fic! Now we have to figure out how long it is from Ikuko’s cocaine-fueled rant to the first?

“Mom’s lost it. Come on let’s go. I’m gonna be so late.”

Incredibly so.

“Me too.” I agreed with him for once. “I’m probably getting detention for the this year and the next at this rate.”

YOU GET IT? BECAUSE SERENA HATES SCHOOL AND IS ALWAYS LATE. YOU GET IT?

Suddenly, my mom runs toward the door and blocks the way. “I can’t let you guys out of this house. Serena! Listen to yourself. You’re already late and you hate school, so why bother going? You’re going to get detention today! And listen, bad stuff always happens on the Ides of March. 

Does it? I mean, there was that one guy…

When you were one, you tripped and fell and cried! 

Have you met a one year old? They’re very top-heavy and not especially coordinated. It happens a lot.

The next year you burned yourself. 

Why did a two-year-old have access to something that could burn them?

And then on the next year a dog chased you…”

After what seemed to me as an hour, 

*Em chugs the rest of her emotional support beverage and tosses the empty container aside.*

“And in conclusion, this year something more horrible than that kid Melvin trying to kiss you will happen.” 

I’m not sure Ikuko would even know there was a nerdy kid at Serena’s school who had a crush on her, nevermind characterize Serena being kissed by him as a “horrible” thing.

Sammy was really ticked off by now. 

He is not alone. 

“Mom! Shut up with this crap about the Ides of March.” 

Thanks, Sammy.

We all sweat dropped. 

Will you stop?! It’s getting seriously gross.

Wait a second, she did make some sort of sense, 

Did she?

but no I actually couldn’t miss school today. There was a math test, which I really didn’t want to take, but I had to take and pass it if I wanted to graduate. 

…From middle school.

I suddenly got a great idea. 

Holy Hand Grenade, this is bound to be awful.

“Oh my God! Mom look behind you!” My mom turned around. In a flash we all ran outside. 

I suppose it’s not the worst plan they could have come up with.

” Come back!” She yelled and tried to come after us, but once she looked outside, she timidly hid behind the door and continued yelling at us from behind the door.

“I am soooooooooooo late!” I yelled as I sped up. Wow, you know what maybe I should join the track team. I do seem to get a lot of practice running.

I ran toward the bus stop looking at my wrist. 

Maybe concentrate on where you’re going instead of that little bump where your radius meets your wrist.

Oh! Right! Forgot I didn’t have a watch. 

It took you the entire distance to the bus stop staring at your wrist to realize there was no watch on it? Serena’s pretty clueless, but not that clueless.

A person slapped me on the back. “Ouch!” I yelled. I looked behind me. Lita and Mina were there. “Serena! You’re late too! At three in the morning, this crazy lady called about the Ides of March. Then I couldn’t get up when the alarm went off. We are so dead.” Said Lita. “Oh my God! The same thing happened to me.” Said Mina. 

Gee, what a surprise.

I felt tears of annoyance (the anime tears) streaming down my face. 

What even is this?

“Serena?” I put my hand up and laughed. I really need to think about sending my mother to a psychiatrist. Really did she have to call my friends too?

“Amy’s probably at school already, unlike us idiots. I should have hung up on that lady, but she just wouldn’t stop talking and I know how horrible it feels to have people hang up on you…not that I’ve had any personal experience with that.” Mina laughed. 

…What? How are those two things- Nope. Nevermind. I don’t care.

Sure, no one’s ever hung up on her… The bus came and lots of students started running. “Wow! A lot of people are sure late.” Lita exclaimed. The bus waited a little while after everyone was on the bus. Suddenly, we all saw Amy running toward the bus gasping. “Amy: late! This is a new one. Here sit down.”

Did Amy have a stroke?!

Mina got up and offered Amy a seat. Amy muttered a thanks and was still gasping for air. “This woman called at midnight… She kept on talking… Alarm stopped working… You know she sounded a lot like your mom, Serena.”

I laughed and blushed. “You know my mom has one of those voices that a lot of people have.” Heh heh…not! 

This is just so, so funny.

*Em faceplants into her desk to distract herself from the pain of reading this fic.*

I was really considering sending her to an asylum at this point. 

*A piece of paper appears on Em’s desk. Em reads over it carefully, nods, then retrieves a large rubber stamp and an ink pad from one of the desk drawers. After thoroughly inking the stamp on the red ink pad, she slams the stamp down onto the paper, leaving a large “ADMITTANCE DENIED” across the top part of the paper. Satisfied, she contentedly balls up the paper and tosses it aside.*

I may not be bright, I may not be smart, well actually I’m pretty sure I’m not, but I knew that all these people being late couldn’t be just a coincidence. Dun Duh Duh…It had to do something with my mother!

Wait, so everyone being woken up in the middle of the night is what drugged Ikuko?

Well, we’ll have to find out next time, folks.

Harri: Alright, that’s one week down. Only three more left.

…Right.

Anyway, until then, stay loony!