0312: Harry, Hermoine, and Ron’s fifth year at Hogwarts!

Title: Harry, Hermoine, and Ron’s fifth year at Hogwarts!

Author: HermoineAndraiaWeasley

Topic: Harry Potter

Media: Literature

Genre: None given

URL: Harry, Hermoine, and Ron’s fifth year at Hogwarts!

Critiqued by: Em Kay

Greetings and salutations, Wardens and lunatics. I’m Em Kay and this is not Rose in Spira. To celebrate that fact, we’re going to riff some pure, unadulterated nonsense. That’s right, it’s yet another HermioneAndraiaWeasley fic.

*Em blows a party horn*

Let’s get right to the summary, shall we?

Please Read I and not a very good story teller but if you read it and give it reviwes I’ll make the next one!

All the insanity we’ve come to expect from this author.

I’ll just open up the fic itself and we can get- 

Harry and his friends fifth year

at Hogwarts!!!!

*Em is blasted out of her chair and inexplicably tossed to the right by the gigantic font size and odd formatting of the fic.*

HOLY HAND GRENADE OF ANTIOCH!

*Em slowly climbs back into her chair.*

So, WordPress spares the readers the worst of the formatting… peculiarities, but just take my word for it that it’s bad.

0277: Duolingo X Reader Oneshot Collection Part One

Title: Duolingoxreader

Author: luc1d4ea8ms

Medium: Mobile App?

Topic: Duolingo

Genre: Uwu (?)

Brief warning: mentions of suicide and murder.

Welcome, one and all, to hell. Okay, Wattpad. Specifically, Wattpad’s Duolingo section. Yes, it has that.

To wit–Duolingo is a language-learning app that I use. It features a green cartoon owl named Duo.

He encourages learners to learn languages, and because of how insistent the app is about this, Duo is a memetic creep who attacks people that dare break their “streak” of lessons. I mean, not actually, but that’s the joke.

Oh, and by the way, there’s a 2000-page Duolingo Wiki.

Now let’s read (a fraction) of Wattpad’s DuoXReader section! No, I don’t know why this is a thing. It’s probably a bunch of bored teenagers fooling around. Prepare for undiluted insanity, because I found eight of the *chokes* four hundred ninety six Duolingo fics on Wattpad, and we’re going through them in vague order of increasing insanity.

Kill me now.

0260: 16 year old superheroes + two (the final chapter!) and Winny teh poo (Oneshot)

Title: 16 year old superheroes + two

Author: stanleyMay

Topic: Batman, Super Sons, Gravity Falls, Danny Phantom, Miraculous Ladybug

Media: Comics/TV Show

Genre: N/A, this is AO3

Critiqued by: Linstar and Batjamags

Ls: Welcome back to Bats’ and my coriff. Today, we’ll finally end this mess of a chatfic, and cover a oneshot trollfic. Both are short, so let’s get into it!

Chapter 7: Oldest Problems

The biggest Trio

Ls: Huh? Who is this?

*Bruces Phone*
Greek- Diana
S(Hope) – Clark

Ls: Even I know who those three are. Not sure why Wonder Woman is “Greek” or why Superman is “Shope”.

0235: Em’s Christmas Oneshot-palooza

Title: Spyros Christmas

Author: desert-rose90

Topic: Spyro

Media:Video Game

Genre: Adventure/Romance

URL: Spyros Christmas

Critiqued by: Em Kay

*The door to the office opens and Em enters with bits of wrapping paper and ribbon clinging to her and an odd crunching noise every other time she takes a step.*

Oh, hang on.

*Em lifts one foot and removes a piece of paper stuck to the sole of her shoe.*

Sorry, I just had to extricate myself from a wrap-o-lanche. But it’s okay, we even found most of the minions already.

Anyway, greetings and salutations, Wardens and lunatics. I’m Em Kay, your snarker for the day, and have I got a treat for you.

*Em sits at the desk and, after picking off a few stray pieces of wrapping paper from her sleeve, opens a drawer and pulls out a laptop covered in various holiday themed stickers.*

That’s right! We’re getting festive.

*Em pulls a particularly stubborn piece of wrapping paper from her hair.* Yeouch! Man, I hate people who wrap with packing tape.

0231: Mistletoe Lovin’ (Oneshot)

Title: Mistletoe Lovin’
Author: BookishBlues
Medium: Literature
Topic: Maximum Ride
Genre: Romance & Family
URL: https://m.fanfiction.net/s/11708426/1/Mistletoe-Lovin
Critiqued by: Linstar

*The room is quiet. Interns are dusting the various surfaces in riffing chamber. All is neat.*

*A young man in a cheap Santa costume loudly falls down the fireplace onto the luckily-not-lit logs. He still gets soot everywhere and makes a mess as he gets out of it.*

He-llo Asylum, and Merry Riffmas!

*The interns are unimpressed. They just sigh and get to work cleaning up his mess.*

I thought that was a good pun.

Anyway, for this holiday season, I have a fic in a new canon, none other than the YA book series you’ve never heard of, Maximum Ride! It’s a sci-fi series co-authored by James Patterson, and it’s not especially good. The plots are extremely seat-of-the-pants, and twists are prioritized over almost everything else. Honestly, the books  could probably be riffed in themselves.  

The series stars the titular character, Max, who is an artificial angel. Err, she’s a person who has wings due to sci-fi technology, I don’t think they’re ever called that.

*one googlefu later*

No, they actually go by the incredibly stupid name “Avian-human hybrids”.

Anyway, it’s been a while since I read these books, so pardon the overuse of the wiki.

As I was saying, Max is a bird kid, and she and her fellow avian-human friends, the Flock, have Speshul superpowers that show up whenever the plot wants them to. Max is a tough girl archetype–which you could probably guess from the name. She cares about her family, is really, really snarky, and has… uh this weird, ill-explained Voice in her head. 

Not that that will come up.

The other character we will be dealing with is Fang–he also has wings. He’s very angsty and broody. He has the same vague powers as the plot demands, and he’s Max’s boyfriend. Their relationship drama is stupid and takes forever.

I’ll infodump for more characters as needed.

0226: A Christmas in Bad Spirit

Title: GB: A Christmas Spirit

Author: BlueMoon4657

Topic: Ghostbusters

Media: Film

Genre: Drama

URL: https://m.fanfiction.net/s/12766888/1/GB-A-Christmas-Spirit

Critiqued by: mysteryleap

Merry Christmas, happy Hanukkah, or whatever greeting best fits you! Today, we’ll be going back to Ghostbusters, to riff this fic, that’s basically the living embodiment of the TV Tropes term Glurge, that is something that’s meant to be inspirational but ends up just sounding plain wrong. Without further ado… GB: A Christmas Spirit!

0222: harry potter christmas songs & Two Worlds Combine (Double feature)

Title: harry potter christmas songs

Author: m c1

Topic: Harry Potter

Media: Literature

Genre: “Humor”

URL: https://m.fanfiction.net/s/498969/1/

Critiqued by: Linstar

Welcome, everyone, back to the Asylum, where today, we’re covering a couple of random oneshots I threw together, because I wanted to. One is Christmas-y, and the other just exists. They’re both awful, in very different ways. Let’s begin!

This first one is a songfic. In fact, it’s more song than fic, and it really should be nothing more than a bland, unfunny YouTube video. For some reason, it was left on Fanfiction.net, in text form. So… yeah. This is a thing.

Chapter 1: Default Chapter

Well, I mean, it is a chapter, the first chapter default chapter, that is.

*Blaring alarms blare.*

*Ls ducks under the desk while the DRD wander around the room, aimlessly, with no purpose.*

H’A’R’R’Y T’H’E F’A’M’A’S W’I’Z’A’R’D

*The DRD must evacuate the room by leaving due to the apostrophe rain of apostrophes.*

0214: Please Step Into the Grav Shaft (Oneshot)

Title: Please Step Into the Grav Shaft
Author: PhantasmalFire
Topic: System Shock 2
Media: Video Games
Genre: Humor/Parody
URL: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12733945/1/Please-Step-Into-the-Grav-Shaft
Critiqued by Crazy Minh

WARNING! ANIMAL ABUSE!

Hello, wonderful Lunatics, and welcome back to The Asylum! I’m your riffer of the day, Crazy Minh, and today we’re looking at a System Shock 2 fanfic by the title of Please Don’t Step Into the Grav Shaft. Before we jump into the riff proper, I have a minor admin message, and the customary infodump.

For the admin message, I’d like to officially announce that riffer Yukisnowpoet, one of our founding wardens, is leaving the site for the time being due to real-life scheduling conflicts regarding work.

Yuki has been a fantastic member of our little group, and has made considerable contributions to our first year of operation. This parting of ways has been amicable, and we wish Yuki the best in all of her future endevours. Hopefully we’ll see her again soon, but for now, she has retired with honours.

I’d also like to welcome Mister Shoebox, M.S., and (former Librarian) BatJamags to our riffing cast! Give them a big hand, folks! Due to our expanded cast of wardens, we’ll be switching to a two-week rota where each member of the core riffing cast will be posting from Monday to Thursday every two weeks.

For example, I’ll be taking my usual Thursday slot, but Bats will be alternating with me every other Thursday. Fridays will be reserved for guest riffs, and weekends will be for collaberations and group riffs. This change will take effect on the last Monday of this month.

Now, for the infodump, since we have a new canon.

0192: Your Friend is Getting Sued, Charlie Brown!

Title: Your Friend is Getting Sued, Charlie Brown!

Author: WileE2005

Topic: Peanuts

Media: Comics

Genre: Humor/Parody

URL: https://m.fanfiction.net/s/12698228/1/Your-Friend-is-Getting-Sued-Charlie-Brown

Greeetings, and welcome to Spooktober.

Today I have a Peanuts fic for you. Specifically, a fic based on the 1966 animated TV special, It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown, (despite being in the comics section). As it pertains to this fic, however, a character named Linus sits in a pumpkin patch waiting for the Great Pumpkin, a supernatural being that never shows.

In this fic, Sally tries to sue Linus for… something. In the legal sense, this fic is too incoherent and LOLRandom to actually be host to a Mary Sue. Be warned.

0182: Bizarre Batman Shortfics Bat-Stravaganza

Title: Batman: race against time [sic]

Author: benjaminblakely807

Media: Comics

Topic: Batman

Genre: Crime / Adventure

URL: Chapters 1, 2, 3, and 4

Welcome to the madhouse, wardens and lunatics! I’m your guest host, BatJamags. If you don’t know me, I was on the Asylum’s predecessor site, Library of the Damned, for, what, five-ish years before it went inactive? Anyway, I missed riffing.

For now, I want to do something short and simple rather than any kind of extended project. There are a few reasons. First, while I’m going to try to stay around as an active commenter, I think it’s a bit early to commit to writing riffs regularly again. I might, I just don’t know if I’ll have the time. Second, I figure a new site should mean a fresh start. Third, I wanted to come back on a fic for my usual favorite fandom, Batman. But it’s… kind of hard to find Batfics that make good riffing material, especially when you categorically refuse to read anything that features Damian Wayne like I do. The section is 60% Damian content, 30% other interchangeably boring fluff about the Robins, 9% gigantic marathon fics of varying quality, and 1% utterly incomprehensible shortfics.

Welcome to that last one. I have a veritable rogues gallery of not one, not two, but three separate fics for you today, each more unfathomably bizarre than the last.

Let’s look at our first contender’s summary!

Batman is in a deadly game as he’s supposed to kill commissioner Gordon before batgirl dies. Rated for intense action violence

Well, that’s, uh, not much to go on, other than the dubious sense of capitalization. We’ll see how much, uh, “intense action violence” we get here.