0244: Wild At Heart (Zuko) Chapters 4, 5, 6, 7

Wild At Heart (Zuko) Chapters 4, 5, 6, 7

Title: Wild At Heart (Zuko) 

Author: Lone-wolf-fanfics

Topic: Avatar: The Last Airbender

Genre: N/A; the fic is hosted on Wattpad and AO3

Critiqued by: Linstar

Hi, and welcome back to the Asylum! Welcome back to the Sue-y badness that is Wild At Heart. Last time, we had more sentence fragments than actual sentences, all of the trivialization, and a Sue so OP she puts Kiacstu to shame. Maybe.

Chapter 4: Chapter One

*Silent alarms blare*

*The DCA peacefully violently enter the riffing chamber by leaving, chaotically putting everything in order. They depart while arriving.*

Kali follows Iroh as he leads her through the little village. She gets a few looks from those that they pass. She has no shoes and she bears the collar and gauntlets that mark her as a slave. They know where she stands in the order of the world. At the bottom. Right down there in the dirt. She lets out a breath and wraps an arm around herself. He leads her to a small hut, though it is in a lot better condition compared to Raya’s. A little on the larger size too.

This isn’t terrible, but it is so choppy.

……..

Zuko sits meditating 

0231: Mistletoe Lovin’ (Oneshot)

Title: Mistletoe Lovin’
Author: BookishBlues
Medium: Literature
Topic: Maximum Ride
Genre: Romance & Family
URL: https://m.fanfiction.net/s/11708426/1/Mistletoe-Lovin
Critiqued by: Linstar

*The room is quiet. Interns are dusting the various surfaces in riffing chamber. All is neat.*

*A young man in a cheap Santa costume loudly falls down the fireplace onto the luckily-not-lit logs. He still gets soot everywhere and makes a mess as he gets out of it.*

He-llo Asylum, and Merry Riffmas!

*The interns are unimpressed. They just sigh and get to work cleaning up his mess.*

I thought that was a good pun.

Anyway, for this holiday season, I have a fic in a new canon, none other than the YA book series you’ve never heard of, Maximum Ride! It’s a sci-fi series co-authored by James Patterson, and it’s not especially good. The plots are extremely seat-of-the-pants, and twists are prioritized over almost everything else. Honestly, the books  could probably be riffed in themselves.  

The series stars the titular character, Max, who is an artificial angel. Err, she’s a person who has wings due to sci-fi technology, I don’t think they’re ever called that.

*one googlefu later*

No, they actually go by the incredibly stupid name “Avian-human hybrids”.

Anyway, it’s been a while since I read these books, so pardon the overuse of the wiki.

As I was saying, Max is a bird kid, and she and her fellow avian-human friends, the Flock, have Speshul superpowers that show up whenever the plot wants them to. Max is a tough girl archetype–which you could probably guess from the name. She cares about her family, is really, really snarky, and has… uh this weird, ill-explained Voice in her head. 

Not that that will come up.

The other character we will be dealing with is Fang–he also has wings. He’s very angsty and broody. He has the same vague powers as the plot demands, and he’s Max’s boyfriend. Their relationship drama is stupid and takes forever.

I’ll infodump for more characters as needed.

0230: Doctor Daddy – Chapters 1-3

Title: Doctor Daddy
Author: The Mighty Ghost
Medium:  TV Series
Topic: Doctor Who
Genre: Adventure/Family
Critiqued by: Mister Shoebox

Because the chapters are short, I’mma be riffing three at a time. Yon Tres Chapters, as it were. A triple dose of Doctor-Daughter-DumbA$$ery. 

0215: An Incredibly Bland Thanksgiving (Oneshot)

Title: An Incredible Thanksgiving

Author: Princess Peacock7

Topic: Incredibles

Media: Film

Genre: Family/Friendship

URL: https://m.fanfiction.net/s/13755386/1/An-Incredible-Thanksgiving

Greetings, and welcome back to the Asylum. Today, we’re covering a bland Thanksgiving fic set in the Incredibles universe.

For those outside of America, Thanksgiving is an American holiday celebrating the first harvest by a specific group of settlers in Massachusetts.

Incredibles is a film about a family of superheroes.

Those things are now related, because reasons.

0202: The Time Traveling Sue Chapters Thirteen-Eighteen

Title: The Time Traveling Girl

Author: chichi123

Topic: The Croods

Media: Film

Genre: Family/Romance

URL: Fanfic: The Time Traveling Girl Ch 1, Croods | FanFiction

Hello, and welcome back to the Asylum. I’ll be your riffer for the day, Linstar, and today we are continuing The Time Traveling Girl. To summarize the last time we experienced this mess: A Mary Sue named Chi-Chi traveled back in time (I think), met a bunch of cavemen, was instantly adopted by them because of course, spent forever making goo-goo eyes at one of said cavemen, sang way to much, and her little sister met up with a different cave-guy, named Guy.

Alright, on to the fic!

0180: The Time Traveling Sue Chapters Seven-Twelve

Title: The Time Traveling Girl

Author: chichi123

Topic: The Croods

Media: Film

Genre: Family/Romance

URL: Fanfic: The Time Traveling Girl Ch 1, Croods | FanFiction

Attention all Wardens and Lunatics! The Golden Straightjacket nominations are done, and voting will be open to the public from Oct. 20th to 27th.

Heeeello, and welcome back to the Asylum, and to The Time Traveling Girl. Last week, we met the very Suvian “Chi-Chi” (AKA Mushu) and her totally-three-year-old little sister as they randomly traveled backwards in time (somehow), and made the Crood family of cavemen more OOC than a cheerful Dementor. (Yes, I found a fic with that, if you’re wondering.)

Now on to the fic!

Hi! I’m back again! Thank you to DJpaigeDJ for giving me an idea. Also thank you everyone for reading, following, favoriting and reviewing! I love you guys so much so here are some cookies! Thank you!

No! Giving out redemption cookies is our thing! 

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0176: The Time Traveling Girl Chapters One-Six

Title: The Time Traveling Girl

Author: chichi123

Topic: The Croods

Media: Film

Genre: Family/Romance

URL: Fanfic: The Time Traveling Girl Ch 1, Croods | FanFiction

Greetings, Lunatics, and welcome back to the Asylum! I’m Linstar, and today I have a… well, I don’t know that “treat” is the word. “Phenomenon,” I guess? …for you. It’s a pretty classic Mary Sue tale, from what I’ve gleaned so far, set in the Croods ‘verse.

The Croods is a 2013 film about a family of cavemen, the titular Croods. The main character, Eep, desires to explore the world beyond their cave. And when said cave is destroyed by the vague apocalypse that keeps hunting them (for some reason, it’s never made all that clear), they end up going on an epic journey with this guy named Guy to find the mystical location of “Tomorrow”. Eventually, Eep resolves the conflict with her dad, Grug. There’s also a 2020 sequel, and a prequel and a sequel series, but I doubt that any of those will come up in this fic. I’ll fill in any necessary details as we go along.

End source material brief.

Hi! I’m back and I’m starting a new story! It’s a Croods fanfic and it’s about this 15-Year-Old girl named Chianni that ends up traveling back in time to the prehistoric era and there she meets the Croods and they help her try to get back to her own time. Hope you like it! Here goes!

That sounds like one of the most Suvian premises imaginable.

0170: Jealousy – Chapter 12

Title: Jealousy
Author: WinxClub63
Topic: LazyTown
Media: TV Show
Genre: Romance, Family
URL: Chapter 12
Critiqued by: Em Kay

*Warning*

This fic portrays pedophilia as an appropriate and even admirable relationship. Anyone sensitive to this may wish to skip this fic.

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*Secondary Warning*

This fic uses self-harm and suicidal ideation for sympathy. Anyone sensitive to this may wish to skip this fic.

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Greetings and salutations, Wardens and lunatics. I’m Em Kay, back with the final chapter of this cringe-inducing fic.

Harri: You’re the one who picked it.

Yes, a decision I have come to regret.

Last time, Sporta-perv got conned into a fake date by Stephanie and Co. before they deleted Maddie’s access to Sporta-perv’s airship Alexa. Then both fell for fake break-up letters and got depressed. The fic then decided to pull in *Em grits her teeth* self-harm as a sympathetic hook-

Harri: Because there obviously wasn’t enough trivialization with the pedophilia.

*Em takes a calming breath before continuing.*

And then Bessie decided to set the two up on a blind date because she’s an enabler.

*Harri idly twirls her dagger as she lounges across the chair under the clock.*

Are you ever going to tell me why you’re here?

Harri: Just being proactive.

So you’ve said.

Harri: Then you should have listened before.

*Em sighs in frustration and digs out an emotional support beverage from the insulated desk drawer.* Let’s just get this overwith.

0167: Jealousy – Chapters 10-11

Title: Jealousy
Author: WinxClub63
Topic: LazyTown
Media: TV Show
Genre: Romance, Family
URL: Chapter 10 Chapter 11   
Critiqued by: Em Kay

*Warning*

This fic portrays pedophilia as an appropriate and even admirable relationship. Anyone sensitive to this may wish to skip this fic.

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*Secondary Warning*

This fic uses self-harm for sympathy. Anyone sensitive to this may wish to skip this fic.

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Greetings and salutations, Wardens and lunatics, and welcome to the penultimate post of this cringe-inducing pedophilia fic. I’m Em, your snarker for the day, and with me is Harri… for some reason I still haven’t figured out.

*Harri gasps in mock outrage* Can I not simply want to spend time with you out of the goodness of my heart?

*Em raises an eyebrow skeptically.* There is no goodness in your heart.

Harri: Fair.

Anyway, last time, Stephanie unveiled her master plan to make Maddie and Sporta-perv each think that the other has asked them on a date and then bailed. It’s a brilliant plan with only the minor flaw of having to keep the heretofore inseparable couple from speaking to each other in person for the rest of eternity.

*Harri twirls her dagger absently.* Why, it’s practically foolproof.

Stephanie and Co. successfully lured Maddie to an elaborate fake date with no Sporta-perv in sight but, after moping her way home, Maddie quickly shrugged it off and planned to speak to Sporta-perv about it the next day.

Well, this fic isn’t going to riff itself. Let’s get this overwith.

0163: Jealousy – Chapters 8 & 9

Title: Jealousy
Author: WinxClub63
Topic: LazyTown
Media: TV Show
Genre: Romance, Family
URL: Chapter 8 Chapter 9   
Critiqued by: Em Kay

*Warning*

This fic portrays pedophilia as an appropriate and even admirable relationship. Anyone sensitive to this may wish to skip this fic.

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Attention Wardens and lunatics!

Nominations for the Asylum’s upcoming awards will be closing soon. If you would like to nominate this or any other fic in the Asylum for Best Character We Were Supposed To Hate, Most Insane Moment, or any other category you can think up, let us know in the comments. And keep an eye out in October when we will open the voting to the public!

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Greetings and salutations, Wardens and lunatics. I’m Em Kay, here yet again with more of the cringefest that is Jealousy.

Harri: And also me.

Yes… for some reason. Why are you here, again?

Harri: Oh, y’know. Just – *Harri pulls out a dagger and begins idly twirling it through her fingers* -“hanging out”. That’s a phrase you use, right?

*Em raises a very skeptical eyebrow.* Riiiight.

Anyway, last time the Mayor, Stephanie, Sporta-perv, and Maddie/Lola all went camping where they told spooky stories like the time Maddie turned into a tornado and told off Sporta-perv for noticing she had skates. We were treated to a very sudden and glossed over Twajeck Backstory^TM, and there was a glimmer of hope that the Mayor might snap out of the pedophile’s control, but it was dashed when he gave Sporta-perv permission to propose to Maddie.

Harri: Progress takes time. The Mayor being clearly uncomfortable with the relationship is a good first step.

Oddly serious comments aside, it’s time to grab your favorite snack and emotional support beverage and get through this thing.