0271: Suvian at Heart: Chapters 13, 14, 15, 16

Wild At Heart (Zuko)

Title: Wild At Heart (Zuko) 

Author: Lone-wolf-fanfics

Topic: Avatar: The Last Airbender

Genre: N/A; the fic is hosted on Wattpad and AO3

Critiqued by: Linstar and Carlisle Cressington

Heeeello and welcome back to the Asylum! I’m Linstar, and this is Carlisle Cressington! Say hi, Carlisle!

Carlisle: I refuse to dignify you with a response.

Carlisle is one of my PPC Agents, and I’ve featured his partner Mina in a few of my riffs, though it’s been a while. For some reason I don’t understand, Carlisle didn’t want to riff this fic with me; I had to get Mina to help me bring him here the same way I get Shoe to come. 

Carlisle: Has it not occurred to you that you are a megalomaniac and a danger to those around you, or that I might like a BREAK from dealing with yet more awful fanfiction?

*Ls sticks his tongue out at Carlisle*

Carlisle: I can see why Mina helped you with this task.

Also, I’ve decided to add counters:

Sentenced. To. Death: For when the fic has unnecessary sentence fragments.

Be Original!: For when the fic steals scenes directly from canon.

And of course, we have our bingo card:

With that in mind, let’s begin!

0270: X Chronicles: Canon-palooza – Chapters 20-24

Title: The X Chronicles Book One: Visitors 

Author: ghidorah5464 

Media: Film, TV Show

Topic: Godzilla: Final Wars, V (2009)

Genre: Sci-fi, Humor

URL: Chapter 20, Chapter 21, Chapter 22, Chapter 23, Chapter 24

Critiqued by: Em Kay; MisterShoebox; Linstar; BatJamags

Em: Greetings and salutations, Wardens, lunatics, and assorted snarkers. Today we’re still working our way through the “humor” that is X Chronicles. 

Ls: So in other words, the riff is done?

Ls: *sigh* Was worth a shot.

Em: Let’s just get everyone assembled before we start…

*Em sets out a large basket of kaiser rolls, a selection of deli meats, and a large cooler of Emotional Support Beverages.*

*Bats emerges slowly from the cooler, steps out, and declines to elaborate*

Shoe: *Is very frowny and needs a hug.* I…I this is a bad thing and I hate everyone everywhere. 

Em: Since this does mark the halfway point of this fic and we had a brief break after the last batch of chapters, I think a full recap is in order.

0269: Back to the Frollo – Chapters 5 and 6

Title: Back to the Frollo

Author: Crazedwriter/Frollo Freak

Medium: Film

Topic: The Hunchback of Notre Dame (Disney)

Genre: N/A

URL: chapter 5, chapter 6

Critiqued by: Yuki, the snow poet; Linstar; BatJamags; MisterShoebox

Yuki: Now that Nisha-Sue and Frollo-Stu are in modern-day Indiana, what happens next? Why excruciating boringness, of course!

Ls: Yaaaaaay.

*Ls lays down on the floor in despair.*

*Bats pulls up in an ordinary car and walks in, normally*

*Shoe has been bound to a hand truck and gagged, and is wheeled in by two people in white coats. They release him and beat feet to the door.* I am here under protest!  I want that on the record!

0268: Back to the Frollo – Chapters 2-4

Title: Back to the Frollo

Author: Crazedwriter/Frollo Freak

Medium: Film

Topic: The Hunchback of Notre Dame (Disney)

Genre: N/A

URL: chapter 2, chapter 3, chapter 4

Critiqued by: Yuki, the snow poet; Linstar; BatJamags

*A bubble-shaped contraption appears in the riffing chamber in a flash of light, and Bats jumps out wearing a ring with an “L” on it*

Bats: Sorry I’m late! … Yes, I know I just got out of a time machine, the controls are difficult.

*Ls surreptitiously climbs in an open window with a rope and grappling hook.*

Ls: Ahem, perfectly normal. I’m definitely not doing anything suspicious here. I was certainly not smuggling in barbeque chips. There is nothing under my shirt.

Yuki: And here is where the fic gets interesting, for a given value of that word. Warning for racism (coming from a black character no less), and disturbing sexual imagery.

0267: Sue in Spira: Sue-na’s Journey – Chapters 11 & 12

Title: Rose in Spira: Yuna’s Journey

Author: StarlightMoon88

Topic: Final Fantasy X

Media: Video Game

Genre: Fantasy, Adventure

URL: Chapter 11, Chapter 12

Critiqued by: Em Kay

Greetings and salutations, Wardens and lunatics. I’m Em Kay, and I’ll be your snarker for the day. Today we’re getting back into the Narci-Sue in Spira series.

Last time, the Sue threatened the Kilika Fayth into giving her an Aeon, twajeckly slept on the floor instead of a bed because she’s just sooo selfless, and re-scarred Yuna with the Touching Moment At Home^TM sphere. They arrived in Luca where the Sue picked up another real world rando, her brother Ben-1, who wields the mysterious “weapon.” She had a quick conversation with her bank teller old friend Maester Mika, rescued Yuna from the Al Bhed, and reminded Auron why he hates her. The Sue transferred Tidus over to Yuna’s guardians and they headed off down the Mi’ihen Highway.

And although he was talked about frequently, still no sign of or concern for Zaon, the Sue’s missing kid.

Mother of the Year, folks: 11

0266: Look After You

Title: Look After You

Author: Gemjar1013

Topic: The X-Files

Media: TV Show

Genre: Friendship (or at least, that’s what it claims)

Critiqued by: mysteryleap

URL: https://m.fanfiction.net/s/9385981/1/Look-After-You

Hey there, everyone! Today, I’ll be looking at a fanfic of The X-Files. It stars a Mary Sue, but unlike most Mary Sues, she doesn’t try to romance everyone. Instead, she tries to out-Scully Scully.

Warning: A character throws up at one point.

0265: X Chronicles Book One: Visitors – Chapters 14-19

Title: The X Chronicles Book One: Visitors 

Author: ghidorah5464 

Media: Film, TV Show

Topic: Godzilla: Final Wars, V (2009)

Genre: Sci-fi, Humor

URL: Chapter 14, Chapter 15, Chapter 16, Chapter 17, Chapter 18, Chapter 19  

Critiqued by: Em Kay; MisterShoebox; Linstar; BatJamags

Em: Greetings and salutations, Wardens, lunatics, and assorted snarkers! I’m Em Kay and today we’re still crawling our way through the supposedly Godzilla-related fic, X Chronicles. 

Em: Last time, Miyuki gave birth to twins while X whined about how much pain he was in and then Miyuki named one of them after Zombie Dad. Then we had a truly horrible spate of chapters where Kendra raped X (and got instapregnant), he had his own internal Illenium episode where he was mad at himself for being raped yet still focused on how devastating the whole situation was for Kendra, the tree goddess gaslit X into believing he and Kendra were “meant to be,” and of course he proposed.

Ls, from behind a curtain: And it was TERRIBLE!

*Ls stumbles out from behind the curtain.*

Em: Oh, and one more thing…

**WARNING**

This set of chapters trivializes a gambling addiction. Anyone sensitive to this may wish to skip these chapters.

Em: There’s also that.

*Em places a large basket of kaiser rolls on the conference table.*

Em: This should be “fun.”

0264: Editorial: What I’ve been up to since leaving the site

Good news, everyone! It’s Minh! I have a new Discord and a Patreon page! And you can get early access to my stories (between two days and two weeks) for just one to ten dollars!

But wait, there’s more!

0263: Role the Dice: Asteriskos Sapphirus – “Session” 1, Part 1

Title: Role the Dice: Asteriskos Sapphirus
Author: Travezty
Media: Tabletop RPG
Topic: Dungeons & Dragons
Genre: Adventure / Romance
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by BatJamags, Kane, and Silabar the Librarian

Hello once again, wardens and lunatics! This fic still exists! Last time, we got a couple more boring bios, including that of Dragon Stu himself. This led us up to finally starting actual narrative content, for about a paragraph, as Dragon Stu met Devil Stu. We resume these dull events in progress, for a certain value of “events” and “progress.” And “resume,” as we have a good three paragraphs of author’s note to weather before reaching the chapter.

Silabar: Bahamut’s breath, does the author not tire of his own voice?!

Kane: More elf than dragon, I think.

A/N: Hellooooo Everyone! How’re you all doing today?

Preemptively bored.

Kane: I contemplate the inevitable decay of reality in the face of madness from beyond the stars to restore my lost hope.

Silabar: *Cheerfully* I found a nickel on the floor outside.

0262: Valentines challange (oneshot)

Title: Valentines challange

Author: Sirianna123

Media: TV Show

Topic: Gravity Falls

Genre: Romance

Hi, hello, and welcome back to the Asylum. I’m Linstar, and today I have a (relatively) short romance-themed fic set in the Gravity Falls canon, which I’ve covered previously. This particular fic is, I suspect, written by a non-native English speaker. While I don’t want to insult the author for that, it does make this particular fic rather…. incomprehensible. Be prepared.

Chapter 1: Love Letters

Valentines Week!

A typo already (aside from the title). Lovely.