Title: Role the Dice: Asteriskos Sapphirus Author:Travezty Media: Tabletop RPG Topic: Dungeons & Dragons Genre: Adventure / Romance URL:Chapter 4 Critiqued by BatJamags, Kane, and Silabar the Librarian
Hello once again, wardens and lunatics! Last time… ugh. I don’t want to talk about last time. Let’s just… go.
One Day Later…
The group arrives at the village known as Summer Lake,
Hopefully not soon to be known as Bucharest or something.
and thankfully, as they enter, Longclaw looks out the window as Drugo comes to a stop. “Here we are!” Drugo says, via Fiona’s Psychic Whispers.
Not how that works. A soulknife, which is the absurdly conceptually specific subclass of rogue the author dug up for Sly Blooper, can use this ability to establish a telepathic link with up to two people for a few hours. But only the soulknife can initiate the connection, only three people can be linked (at the characters’ level), and all communication goes through the soulknife. So if Sly Blooper triggered this ability recently for some reason, Puff then just talked to her and her alone.
“Everyone out…”
You don’t have to tell me twice.
*Bats attempts to leave. The door is locked as usual.*
Title:My Inner Life Author: Link’s Queen Media: Video game Topic:The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time Genre: Nonsense Critiqued by: BatJamags; Linstar; Delta XIII; Yuki, the poet; Ben the Destroyer, MisterShoebox, Thunder
Bats: Hello, wardens and lunatics! Today, we’re looking at one of the more widely-circulated legendary badfics. This is an old enemy for me, because I had begun a riff of it for Library of the Damned back when I was a guest riffer, but erttheking began a riff before I could submit any of it. But it’s also well-worn territory for snark, so I figured that we might be able to breathe a little life into it with teamwork!
*Bats waits a moment. Crickets chirp.*
Bats, picking up a butterfly net: And by “teamwork,” I mean I’m going to kidnap some other riffers. Stand by.
*One kidnapping later*
Ls: Mrrph! Mrrrph! *Ls rips his gag off.*
Ls: Bats! Did you have to do that after EWPPG? I thought I was the one who kidnapped people (mostly Shoe. Everyone else came semi-willingly)!
*Yuki coughs profusely*
Delta, chained up in a chair:
Benji: Somehow I’ve been roped into this. But I presume I’d eventually have to pay for my own (fanfiction) sins.
Shoe: *Is furiously attempting to chew off his own leg.*
Thunder: Did someone say collective suffering? Count me in, heh. Now please untie me.
Bats: We gave a loose rundown of the Legend of Zelda series back when Lorenzo visited this same game. This fic will employ less beat-for-beat gameplay regurgitation and a bit more actual lore. It still doesn’t have the… closest relationship to canon, and trust me, there will be enough for those not familiar to comment on. I’ll give you a short version right now, though.
Ls: I wonder which fic will represent the canon better (though that’s a very low bar)?
Bats: The Lorenzo fic had verbatim regurgitation and thus was necessarily at least somewhat related to the actual plot of the game, but it also had Klikky stink, so I’m calling it a wash.
Ls: (For our newbie riffers; Lorenzo is another name for Kiactu, an awful pedophile of Gary Stu, and Klikky is his author.)
Bats: Anyway, the Legend of Zelda is a series of fantasy action-adventure games by Nintendo, one of their big tentpole series. It tends to reboot to have variations on a formula from game to game, though there’s a loose excuse premise that the main characters reincarnate over a long period of time and the games are about different versions of them (mostly; there are a few games with actual direct sequels, but no specific incarnation has lasted more than… three or four games, I think?).
Bats: The games take place in a land called Hyrule, ruled by either the titular Princess Zelda or her typically-unnamed-and-often-killed-off-partway-through father. Hyrule will be threatened by some evil, usually the schemes of Ganon or Ganondorf (both names are used; in some cases, like the game this fic is based on, “Ganon” is a powered-up evil form Ganondorf turns into). Link is a dude who in some games is already friends with Zelda but in cases like this is just some rando, but in either case he goes out to save the kingdom, usually by recovering MacGuffins and useful weapons/gadgets from a series of dungeons. While a couple other characters have recurred, typically these three are the important ones, in particular because they’re each associated with part of the Triforce, a set of triangle-looking gimmicks created by the gods which give you great power when you put them together and which Ganon is sometimes trying to gather up for his own nefarious purposes (Zelda has the Triforce of Wisdom, Ganon has the Triforce of Power, and Link has the Triforce of Courage).
Bats: Ocarina of Time was the game that brought the series to 3D and is one of the most popular installments. I think ultimately the much more recent Breath of the Wild wound up being more commercially successful, but Ocarina was pretty synonymous with the series for a long time. Its main distinctive gimmick is that Link starts the game as a ten-year-old, but upon gaining the titular artifact can bounce back and forth from a period seven years in the future, his age shifting accordingly. (Depending on how you interpret this, it makes parts of this fic… suspect, but as it also takes place an unspecified amount of time after the game, I’ll give it a pass.) The reason this is useful is because there are places he can only access in one time or the other, tools only one version of him can use, and so forth. He defeats Ganon as an adult; the game portrays him as having returned to the kid-Link time period to live out his life normally, and the direct sequel/midquel (“sequel” as Link’s already experienced all of Ocarina’s events, “midquel” as it takes place in between the two eras) Majora’s Mask follows that possibility. However, the official timeline for the series (which is hysterically complicated for how unimportant it is) has the timeline breaking into three branches at Ocarina: One timeline where Link failed and died (including the first game in the series, hilariously), one where he became a child again like in the game’s actual ending, and one where he remained in the future (a choice which he’s offered, but I don’t think you actually have the option to accept it). I bring all that up because while this fic doesn’t really address what happened, it does have an adult Link hanging around after the plot ended, though whether because he never returned to his own time (Timeline 3) or because he did and then grew up the long way (Timeline 2) is itself not addressed.
Bats: tl;dr: Don’t do time travel, kids.
Ls: Don’t tell me, tell DaniSue.
Thunder: Um, I have a question about—
Ls: Danisha Wood is a character from Back to the Frollo (one of our previous group riffs), who travels back in time to get together with Claude Frollo. It’s worse than it sounds like.
Yuki: If that’s not wild enough, the Claude Frollo being fangirled over is the Disney version. Y’know, the one who’s a horrible parent, a genocidal maniac and a creepy sex offender.
Delta: Riffing that was certainly an…experience.
Shoe: I STILL Haven’t sobered up.
Bats: Our riff begins with… the author’s note. See, one of this fic’s distinctive attributes is that it begins with what may still be the longest author’s note I have ever read, and it is a true crowning achievement of wankery.
Ls: Oh, and fun fact–it has its own wiki! Not unlike My Immortal or Starkits Prophecy, actually.
Author’s notes: Hello.
Yuki: Is it me you’re looking for?
Bats:
Delta: Man, that joke I made in EWPPG about just riffing author’s notes turned out to be a real monkey’s paw, didn’t it?
Title: Role the Dice: Asteriskos Sapphirus Author:Travezty Media: Tabletop RPG Topic: Dungeons & Dragons Genre: Adventure / Romance URL:Chapter 4 Critiqued by BatJamags, Kane, and Silabar the Librarian
Hello once again, wardens and lunatics! Last time, a convenient old guy showed up and started dumping a bunch of overpowered magic items on the protagonists for no apparent reason, other than I guess to bribe them to go slay a dragon that he is very obviously powerful enough to kill himself. We resume this nonsense in progress.
Two days later, Drugo is hitched up to the Carriage, but thanks to the old man’s magic, it has similar properties to that of a Cast-Off Armor,
A low-level magic item. Usually armor takes 1-5 minutes to remove depending on whether it’s light, medium, or heavy, while cast-off armor can be removed essentially instantaneously. I don’t even know if that’s actually useful in-game, because the only time it makes a difference is combat and I can’t think of a reason you’d want to take your armor off in combat.
and so with but a word, Drugo can hitch and unhitch himself from the Carriage with no trouble.
Kane: Yet another unfathomably petty convenience to be heaped on our protagonists by this inexplicable wandering wizard who simultaneously powerful enough to devise entirely new magical items at will in a matter of days but also incapable of confronting an explicitly weak dragon.
Silabar: And who, like so many ostensibly important characters, remains unnamed.
Finding this to his liking, Drugo uses the magic to hitch himself up and test his abilities with six willing volunteers.
Making a few pulls to adjust to the weight, and to gauge his strength… Drugo manages to get the carriage moving, and despite lacking the speed of a horse, he actually manages to pull it at a decent speed, and… Actually manages to make the turns both at speed and with precision, if just barely.
Kane: So, you spent two hundred gold pieces on a diverting inefficiency.
Silabar: And wasted two days to confirm that this is not useful while Romania is being burned by a dragon!
“Amazing!” The old man exclaims, that was quite impressive for a first go at it! Actually if you manage to utilize your wings when you need to make jumps, you may be able to gain more height or soften a landing!”
(A/N: In game terms, if he utilizes his wings to for jumps or landings with the Carriage, he can give the carriage the benefits of his long or high jump, and give the carriage resistance to fall damage for falls of 30ft or lower.)
Silabar: That is not how carriages or dragons work! The drag will interfere with his aerodynamics, and the harness is not rigid, meaning that while momentum may keep the carriage oriented properly for “long jumps,” significant vertical motion will cause it to flop and likely amplify the damage of a long fall.
“Interesting!” Drugo exclaims, smiling. “By the way old man, what’s your name?”
After he’s been showering goodies on you for two days straight.
“Oh how rude of me! My name is Saephyros!” The man says, to which Drugo thinks on that name and his eyes widen. “Oh you know me?”
Puff the Magic Dragon: No, it’s just a stupid name.
Title: Role the Dice: Asteriskos Sapphirus Author:Travezty Media: Tabletop RPG Topic: Dungeons & Dragons Genre: Adventure / Romance URL:Chapter 4 Critiqued by BatJamags, Kane, and Silabar the Librarian
Hello once again, wardens and lunatics! Welcome back to this fic. To recap-
Department of Ominous Foreshadowing Agent Trilby: Don’t bother.
… Oh god.
Kane: That bodes ill.
Silabar: How so?
Agents Trilby and Derby are from the Department of Ominous Foreshadowing. Everything they say bodes ill.
A/N:WHAT’S UP, MUCKACHUNGAS!?
We’re… really sticking with that, are we?
It’s Travez!
Do you really think you need to remind us who you are in the fourth chapter?
And I’m here to bring you the first chapter of the next arc of our journey!
More specifically, you’re here to bring us the customary superfluous marathon author’s note preceding the first chapter of the next arc of our journey.
Title:strawberry shortcake: a new start (rewritten) Author: Tsume sakamea Medium: TV Series Topic:Strawberry Shortcake (2003) Genre: Romance (pfft), Humor (BAHAHAHAHA) Critiqued by: Yuki, the poet
Warning for glorified abuse that crosses into murderous intent on at least one occasion, in-fic swearing and lots of other behaviors that should not be in a Strawberry Shortcake fic. Especially the abuse, my gods. This fic’s abuse trivialization is making me angry and scared at the same time.
” wow who’s the party for?” cinnamon ass looking around
Gives a whole new meaning to talking out of one’s rear, I guess.
” it’s for you two ” strawberry said with a big smile
Title: Role the Dice: Asteriskos Sapphirus Author:Travezty Media: Tabletop RPG Topic: Dungeons & Dragons Genre: Adventure / Romance URL:Chapter 1 Critiqued by BatJamags, Kane, and Silabar the Librarian
Hello once again, wardens and lunatics! Welcome back to the riff whose tag list is steadily expanding until it becomes a gray goo that will consume the Asylum and spare us the rest of the fic.
Where this unfortunate experience last left off, our boring battlers of the Abyss learned that the wererat they showed up to kill was actually totally a cool guy resisting a corrupt noble and not a destructive monster, probably, maybe. Anyway, the real problem is the Margrave Castellan Elector Prince, who is a demon and has been summoning an army of vile demon servants mainly consisting of smelly farm animals. They and the town guard, now answering to the wererat they were hiring mercenaries to kill five seconds ago, raided this guy’s mansion and found out that “Lord Math,” a name which is not even a snarky joke on my part, is in fact a Glabrezu, which should be able to murder them all and spare us the rest of the fic. But alas…
Title: Role the Dice: Asteriskos Sapphirus Author:Travezty Media: Tabletop RPG Topic: Dungeons & Dragons Genre: Adventure / Romance URL:Chapter 1 Critiqued by BatJamags, Kane, and Silabar the Librarian
Hello once again, wardens and lunatics! I’m back with another chapter, or “session” or whatever, of this thing. It’s markedly shorter than the last couple, a fact which caused me to involuntary say “Ah, sweet burnout” out loud when I noticed. Kane, a recap, if you would?
To recap, last time, it turned out that the wererat was the good guy, Laird-Skartabel Basilius, Esquire was the bad guy, the priest and leader of the underground resistance made friends with a devil after announcing that he led the resistance to everyone who’d listen, our heroes set out to tilt at some windmills, they got distracted almost dying to demonic chickens, and then they encountered some rats in a basement.
We would resume this sweeping adventure in progress if there weren’t an author’s note.
A/N: WHATS UP, MUCKACHUNGAS!?
*Sigh*
It’s Travez here with a new chapter for you all!
Kane: This revelation is appreciated; we’d never have realized elsewise.
Like the new intro guys?
But only one guy did the intro!
Silabar: I think he is missing the comma of address.
In a badfic? Never.
But also, what intr- Oh, was I supposed to be impressed by getting blasted out of my seat by GRATUITOUS YELLING again?
Took me a while to come up with something more original!
Title: Role the Dice: Asteriskos Sapphirus Author:Travezty Media: Tabletop RPG Topic: Dungeons & Dragons Genre: Adventure / Romance URL:Chapter 1 Critiqued by BatJamags, Kane, and Silabar the Librarian
Hello once again, wardens and lunatics! I know it’s a while, but I wanted to get this riff out in time for Easter.
DOF Agent Trilby: “What does this fic have to do with Easter?” you ask, foolishly. Read on, learn, and be sorely disappointed.
Meanwhile, in recap-land, this fic is still plodding along at as slow a pace as possible. Last time, a baby dragon and a cambion walked into a bar and put themselves in charge of hunting a local wererat, steamrolling over the already-formed group. Puff the Magic Dragon got off to two characters (based on the author’s real-life girlfriend and not-girlfriend) pawing him, and then they decided to split up and look for clues. We resume this sequence in its current lack of progress. With me again are Kane and Silabar.
Title: Role the Dice: Asteriskos Sapphirus Author:Travezty Media: Tabletop RPG Topic: Dungeons & Dragons Genre: Adventure / Romance URL:Chapter 1 Critiqued by BatJamags, Kane, and Silabar the Librarian
Hello once again, wardens and lunatics! This fic still exists! Last time, we got a couple more boring bios, including that of Dragon Stu himself. This led us up to finally starting actual narrative content, for about a paragraph, as Dragon Stu met Devil Stu. We resume these dull events in progress, for a certain value of “events” and “progress.” And “resume,” as we have a good three paragraphs of author’s note to weather before reaching the chapter.
Silabar:Bahamut’s breath, does the author not tire of his own voice?!
Kane: More elf than dragon, I think.
A/N: Hellooooo Everyone! How’re you all doing today?
Preemptively bored.
Kane: I contemplate the inevitable decay of reality in the face of madness from beyond the stars to restore my lost hope.
Silabar: *Cheerfully* I found a nickel on the floor outside.
Title: Role the Dice: Asteriskos Sapphirus Author:Travezty Media: Tabletop RPG Topic: Dungeons & Dragons Genre: Adventure / Romance URL:Chapter 0 Critiqued by BatJamags, Kane, and Silabar the Librarian
Hello once again, wardens and lunatics! I’m your host, BatJamags, and I’m back with more of this thing.
Last time, we met some edgy, tryhardy characters. This time, we also do that. Eventually, we may reach an actual narrative. Eventually.
Fiona Bloodmoon
Long Long ago… An ancient entity, now nameless and lost, was a creature of undefined evil…
Never thought I’d literally see vagueness as a villain in a fic.
*Bats’ desk rotates ninety degrees again*
*Bats sighs, gets up, and turns the monitor around, since it’s now facing entirely away from the riffers.*
However, it’s observations of the Material Realm over the centuries had caused it to rethink things, in how it wished to be worshiped, and how it wanted to be seen as a true god.
What is it with this author and not letting villains be villains? Who’s going to be a misunderstood tragic figure next? Lolth? Vecna?
The Asylum Riffs 