0313: Role the Dice: Asteriskos Sapphirus – “Session” 3, Part 3

Title: Role the Dice: Asteriskos Sapphirus
Author: Travezty
Media: Tabletop RPG
Topic: Dungeons & Dragons
Genre: Adventure / Romance
URL: Chapter 4
Critiqued by BatJamags, Kane, and Silabar the Librarian

Hello once again, wardens and lunatics! Last time… ugh. I don’t want to talk about last time. Let’s just… go.

One Day Later…

The group arrives at the village known as Summer Lake,

Hopefully not soon to be known as Bucharest or something.

and thankfully, as they enter, Longclaw looks out the window as Drugo comes to a stop. “Here we are!” Drugo says, via Fiona’s Psychic Whispers.

Not how that works. A soulknife, which is the absurdly conceptually specific subclass of rogue the author dug up for Sly Blooper, can use this ability to establish a telepathic link with up to two people for a few hours. But only the soulknife can initiate the connection, only three people can be linked (at the characters’ level), and all communication goes through the soulknife. So if Sly Blooper triggered this ability recently for some reason, Puff then just talked to her and her alone.

“Everyone out…”

You don’t have to tell me twice.

*Bats attempts to leave. The door is locked as usual.*

Continue reading “0313: Role the Dice: Asteriskos Sapphirus – “Session” 3, Part 3″

0308: Role the Dice: Asteriskos Sapphirus – “Session” 3, Part 2

Title: Role the Dice: Asteriskos Sapphirus
Author: Travezty
Media: Tabletop RPG
Topic: Dungeons & Dragons
Genre: Adventure / Romance
URL: Chapter 4
Critiqued by BatJamags, Kane, and Silabar the Librarian

Hello once again, wardens and lunatics! Last time, a convenient old guy showed up and started dumping a bunch of overpowered magic items on the protagonists for no apparent reason, other than I guess to bribe them to go slay a dragon that he is very obviously powerful enough to kill himself. We resume this nonsense in progress.

Two days later, Drugo is hitched up to the Carriage, but thanks to the old man’s magic, it has similar properties to that of a Cast-Off Armor,

A low-level magic item. Usually armor takes 1-5 minutes to remove depending on whether it’s light, medium, or heavy, while cast-off armor can be removed essentially instantaneously. I don’t even know if that’s actually useful in-game, because the only time it makes a difference is combat and I can’t think of a reason you’d want to take your armor off in combat.

and so with but a word, Drugo can hitch and unhitch himself from the Carriage with no trouble.

Kane: Yet another unfathomably petty convenience to be heaped on our protagonists by this inexplicable wandering wizard who simultaneously powerful enough to devise entirely new magical items at will in a matter of days but also incapable of confronting an explicitly weak dragon.

Silabar: And who, like so many ostensibly important characters, remains unnamed.

Finding this to his liking, Drugo uses the magic to hitch himself up and test his abilities with six willing volunteers.

Making a few pulls to adjust to the weight, and to gauge his strength… Drugo manages to get the carriage moving, and despite lacking the speed of a horse, he actually manages to pull it at a decent speed, and… Actually manages to make the turns both at speed and with precision, if just barely.

Kane: So, you spent two hundred gold pieces on a diverting inefficiency.

Silabar: And wasted two days to confirm that this is not useful while Romania is being burned by a dragon!

“Amazing!” The old man exclaims, that was quite impressive for a first go at it! Actually if you manage to utilize your wings when you need to make jumps, you may be able to gain more height or soften a landing!”

(A/N: In game terms, if he utilizes his wings to for jumps or landings with the Carriage, he can give the carriage the benefits of his long or high jump, and give the carriage resistance to fall damage for falls of 30ft or lower.)

Silabar: That is not how carriages or dragons work! The drag will interfere with his aerodynamics, and the harness is not rigid, meaning that while momentum may keep the carriage oriented properly for “long jumps,” significant vertical motion will cause it to flop and likely amplify the damage of a long fall.

“Interesting!” Drugo exclaims, smiling. “By the way old man, what’s your name?”

After he’s been showering goodies on you for two days straight.

“Oh how rude of me! My name is Saephyros!” The man says, to which Drugo thinks on that name and his eyes widen. “Oh you know me?”

Puff the Magic Dragon: No, it’s just a stupid name.

… Everybody, get down! Contrivance incoming!

Continue reading “0308: Role the Dice: Asteriskos Sapphirus – “Session” 3, Part 2″

0304: Role the Dice: Asteriskos Sapphirus – “Session” 3, Part 1

Title: Role the Dice: Asteriskos Sapphirus
Author: Travezty
Media: Tabletop RPG
Topic: Dungeons & Dragons
Genre: Adventure / Romance
URL: Chapter 4
Critiqued by BatJamags, Kane, and Silabar the Librarian

Hello once again, wardens and lunatics! Welcome back to this fic. To recap-

Department of Ominous Foreshadowing Agent Trilby: Don’t bother.

… Oh god.

Kane: That bodes ill.

Silabar: How so?

Agents Trilby and Derby are from the Department of Ominous Foreshadowing. Everything they say bodes ill.

A/N:WHAT’S UP, MUCKACHUNGAS!?

We’re… really sticking with that, are we?

It’s Travez!

Do you really think you need to remind us who you are in the fourth chapter?

And I’m here to bring you the first chapter of the next arc of our journey!

More specifically, you’re here to bring us the customary superfluous marathon author’s note preceding the first chapter of the next arc of our journey.

Continue reading “0304: Role the Dice: Asteriskos Sapphirus – “Session” 3, Part 1″

0299: Role the Dice: Asteriskos Sapphirus – “Session” 2, Part 2

Title: Role the Dice: Asteriskos Sapphirus
Author: Travezty
Media: Tabletop RPG
Topic: Dungeons & Dragons
Genre: Adventure / Romance
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by BatJamags, Kane, and Silabar the Librarian

Hello once again, wardens and lunatics! Welcome back to the riff whose tag list is steadily expanding until it becomes a gray goo that will consume the Asylum and spare us the rest of the fic.

Where this unfortunate experience last left off, our boring battlers of the Abyss learned that the wererat they showed up to kill was actually totally a cool guy resisting a corrupt noble and not a destructive monster, probably, maybe. Anyway, the real problem is the Margrave Castellan Elector Prince, who is a demon and has been summoning an army of vile demon servants mainly consisting of smelly farm animals. They and the town guard, now answering to the wererat they were hiring mercenaries to kill five seconds ago, raided this guy’s mansion and found out that “Lord Math,” a name which is not even a snarky joke on my part, is in fact a Glabrezu, which should be able to murder them all and spare us the rest of the fic. But alas…

(A/N: Roll Initiative! *Rolls dice* Turn Order: Ember, Fiona, Reduced Threat Glabrezu, Drugo, Longclaw, Damos, Mina.)

*Heavy sigh* I’m not sure whether I hate this or the initiative order being brute-force written into the narrative like before more.

Continue reading “0299: Role the Dice: Asteriskos Sapphirus – “Session” 2, Part 2″

0293: Role the Dice: Asteriskos Sapphirus – “Session” 2, Part 1

Title: Role the Dice: Asteriskos Sapphirus
Author: Travezty
Media: Tabletop RPG
Topic: Dungeons & Dragons
Genre: Adventure / Romance
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by BatJamags, Kane, and Silabar the Librarian

Hello once again, wardens and lunatics! I’m back with another chapter, or “session” or whatever, of this thing. It’s markedly shorter than the last couple, a fact which caused me to involuntary say “Ah, sweet burnout” out loud when I noticed. Kane, a recap, if you would?

To recap, last time, it turned out that the wererat was the good guy, Laird-Skartabel Basilius, Esquire was the bad guy, the priest and leader of the underground resistance made friends with a devil after announcing that he led the resistance to everyone who’d listen, our heroes set out to tilt at some windmills, they got distracted almost dying to demonic chickens, and then they encountered some rats in a basement.

We would resume this sweeping adventure in progress if there weren’t an author’s note.

A/N: WHATS UP, MUCKACHUNGAS!?

*Sigh*

It’s Travez here with a new chapter for you all!

Kane: This revelation is appreciated; we’d never have realized elsewise.

Like the new intro guys?

But only one guy did the intro!

Silabar: I think he is missing the comma of address.

In a badfic? Never.

But also, what intr- Oh, was I supposed to be impressed by getting blasted out of my seat by GRATUITOUS YELLING again?

Took me a while to come up with something more original!

Oh, really? What did you come up with, then?

Continue reading “0293: Role the Dice: Asteriskos Sapphirus – “Session” 2, Part 1″

0285: Role the Dice: Asteriskos Sapphirus – “Session” 1, Part 2

Title: Role the Dice: Asteriskos Sapphirus
Author: Travezty
Media: Tabletop RPG
Topic: Dungeons & Dragons
Genre: Adventure / Romance
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by BatJamags, Kane, and Silabar the Librarian

Hello once again, wardens and lunatics! I know it’s a while, but I wanted to get this riff out in time for Easter.

DOF Agent Trilby: “What does this fic have to do with Easter?” you ask, foolishly. Read on, learn, and be sorely disappointed.

Meanwhile, in recap-land, this fic is still plodding along at as slow a pace as possible. Last time, a baby dragon and a cambion walked into a bar and put themselves in charge of hunting a local wererat, steamrolling over the already-formed group. Puff the Magic Dragon got off to two characters (based on the author’s real-life girlfriend and not-girlfriend) pawing him, and then they decided to split up and look for clues. We resume this sequence in its current lack of progress. With me again are Kane and Silabar.

Continue reading “0285: Role the Dice: Asteriskos Sapphirus – “Session” 1, Part 2″

0282: The X Chronicles: How To Steal Your Canon – Chapters 39-42

Title: The X Chronicles Book One: Visitors 

Author: ghidorah5464 

Media: Film, TV Show

Topic: Godzilla: Final Wars, V (2009)

Genre: Sci-fi, Humor

URL: Chapter 39, Chapter 40, Chapter 41, Chapter 42

Critiqued by: Em Kay; Linstar

Em: Greetings and salutations, Wardens, lunatics, and assorted snarkers. Today we’re dealing the coup de grace to this fic. I’m excited for it to be over, but the other riffers need a little… convincing. Thankfully, that’s what orderlies and straitjackets are for.

Ls: *sniffs* At least I get a silver one. Shoe’s straitjacket is merely bronze. I know, imagine!

Em: Last time, the Visitors made omelets out of X’s egg-babies, Ozaki pointed out expository material while in a “mini-coma,” and X crashed a Visitors press conference cosplaying as the edgiest Predator to ever edge, Mr. Black. Anna and Co. didn’t want anything to do with that crap, so they fucked off back to the mothership with X in pursuit aboard Grover’s Uber dragon-bird. Oh yeah, and it’s raining Visitor Pregnancy Juice.

Continue reading “0282: The X Chronicles: How To Steal Your Canon – Chapters 39-42”

0279: The X Chronicles: How To Steal Your Canon – Chapters 35-38

Title: The X Chronicles Book One: Visitors 

Author: ghidorah5464 

Media: Film, TV Show

Topic: Godzilla: Final Wars, V (2009)

Genre: Sci-fi, Humor

URL: Chapter 35, Chapter 36, Chapter 37, Chapter 38

Critiqued by: Em Kay; Linstar, MisterShoebox

Em: Greetings and salutations, Wardens, lunatics, and assorted snarky people. Today we’re getting into the penultimate installment of this stupid fic. That’s right, this is the second to last time we have to put up with these idiots.

Ls: Huzzah!

Em: Last time, there was a hypodermic lighthouse filled with not-tranquilizer, another android Grover, and the Visitors finally showed up and had a press conference killed Zombie Dad. And, for the first time since the Pretentious Prologue, the idea of revenge was mentioned. In passing.

Shoe: *is dragged in, kicking and screaming*. I WAS OUT! YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND, I WAS OUUUUUT!…Ahh…dammit…

Ls: The Pretentious Prologue sounds like a Series of Unfortunate Events book.

*Em sets a cooler of emotional support beverages on the conference table, takes one, and chugs it.*

Em: Let’s get this over with.

Continue reading “0279: The X Chronicles: How To Steal Your Canon – Chapters 35-38”

0263: Role the Dice: Asteriskos Sapphirus – “Session” 1, Part 1

Title: Role the Dice: Asteriskos Sapphirus
Author: Travezty
Media: Tabletop RPG
Topic: Dungeons & Dragons
Genre: Adventure / Romance
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by BatJamags, Kane, and Silabar the Librarian

Hello once again, wardens and lunatics! This fic still exists! Last time, we got a couple more boring bios, including that of Dragon Stu himself. This led us up to finally starting actual narrative content, for about a paragraph, as Dragon Stu met Devil Stu. We resume these dull events in progress, for a certain value of “events” and “progress.” And “resume,” as we have a good three paragraphs of author’s note to weather before reaching the chapter.

Silabar: Bahamut’s breath, does the author not tire of his own voice?!

Kane: More elf than dragon, I think.

A/N: Hellooooo Everyone! How’re you all doing today?

Preemptively bored.

Kane: I contemplate the inevitable decay of reality in the face of madness from beyond the stars to restore my lost hope.

Silabar: *Cheerfully* I found a nickel on the floor outside.

Continue reading “0263: Role the Dice: Asteriskos Sapphirus – “Session” 1, Part 1″

0245: Role the Dice: Asteriskos Sapphirus – “Session” 0, Part 2

Title: Role the Dice: Asteriskos Sapphirus
Author: Travezty
Media: Tabletop RPG
Topic: Dungeons & Dragons
Genre: Adventure / Romance
URL: Chapter 0
Critiqued by BatJamags, Kane, and Silabar the Librarian

Hello once again, wardens and lunatics! I’m your host, BatJamags, and I’m back with more Infodump the Infodump: Infodumpos Infodumpus. Actually, you know, I never commented on the title in the last riff. Let’s talk about that. Namely, it’s real dumb. Like, first, I get it, “role” and “roll” are homophones (den fuk of!) and they both pertain to D&D. But how does one actually role the dice? There’s no pun.

And then… “Asteriskos Sapphirus.” Sapphire… asterisk? What? Is that kind of like a sapphire orb?

Anyway, where we left off, Tiamat disguised as Bahamut, the God of Evil Good Dragons, kidnapped some random Earth human to a nice but probably illusory mountain which is almost certainly not actually Mount Celestia. He told him about how all D&D settings ever are going to fall apart due to the terrible scourge of vagueness (including or especially the insert’s own setting, which Nah-hamut is aware the author/Stu created and has no existential questions about whatsoever), and that his presence is needed to save it through more vagueness. He also explained, without any clarification how it relates to the first problem, that all dragons everywhere used to lack free will until he gave it to them on a lark after reading a fanfic, and that surprisingly, some of them are not lining up to follow him anyway. Travezty (and honestly, I cannot think of a better snarky nickname than the author’s own actual username – yet) is supposed to act as an ambassador for Nah-hamut, a job of indistinct relation to the “saving the world” bit which will entail his being made into a dragon. This is definitely probably maybe not a scheme by Tiamat to have a dupe spread this story to turn the real Bahamut’s followers against him.

We then got, just, so much wordcount about the author’s homebrew player-character-dragon stats which are, and do your best to contain your surprise here, painfully overpowered.

The fic then teased us with the prospect of starting before announcing that it was actually just going to dump character bios on us.

Authors, while I understand that not all cases are ideal for doing this, it is a sound rule of thumb that the first word of the story should be the first word of the fucking story. Not the 50th, not the 500th, and certainly not the 5000th.

Speaking of things with needlessly lengthy preambles, the riff.

Continue reading “0245: Role the Dice: Asteriskos Sapphirus – “Session” 0, Part 2″
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