0339: My Inner Life – Chapters 13-15

Title: My Inner Life
Author: Link’s Queen
Media: Video game
Topic: The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time
Genre: Nonsense
Critiqued by: BatJamags; Linstar; MisterShoebox; Delta XIII; Ben the Destroyer; Em Kay; Yuki, la poetèsse de neige

Bats: Hello, wardens and lunatics!

Ls: Hell. O.

Bats: Unnecessary O; recommend deleting. … Wait, this isn’t the Google Docs comments, is it?

Ls: No, but it is Hell.

Bats: That would explain all the paints; should’ve brought a smock.

Ls: Hell is Satan’s art studio. 

Ls: …I’m sure someone else has said that before. 

Shoe: Hi, Bats! I just want you to know that I’m happy to be here and I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW.

Bats: That’s what I’m here for.

Delta: I’ve returned, and I’m going to make it everyone else’s problem.

Ls: Great.

Benji: I somehow dropped off to sleep in the last riff. Did I miss anything? 

Ls: Not anything of worth, to be sure.

Bats: If we’re all together, I think it’s time for…

The Separation

Yuki: Yay.

Bats: Bye, everybody.

Delta: Parting is such sweet sorrow…

*Ls begins to weep at the emotional departure.*

*Bats walks to the door and, as usual, finds it locked.*

Delta: …or at least, it would be, if not for that.

Bats: Crap, I’ve escaped most of these.

Ls: Ah, but not this one.

One day I was visiting with Princess Zelda at the castle when she got word from her father that a war had started in one of our allied lands.

Benji: Seriously, why does this read like something from the Old Testament? “…and it came to pass there was a war…”

Ls: Because the author decided that what Legends of Zelda needs is Early Modern English and her OC screwing Link.

Ls: And pee-drinking.

The King decided to send in some of his knights and one of the legions he was sending was Link’s.

My face turned white as a sheet. I knew that affairs like these could keep the men away for months.

Shoe: Maybe he’ll be KIA! Oh please please PLEASE.

Bats:

Bats: (I’m going to be getting Kia banner ads for months; I hope you all appreciate me.)

Ls: Or maybe he’ll cheat on her in this “affair”.

Benji: That brings new meaning to Missing In Action. 

Since he was the captain of his legion he had to go. When Princess Zelda saw how upset I was she tried to comfort me, but I couldn’t help thinking that Link might miss the birth of our first child. 

Benji: Yay! I didn’t miss the birth scene! 

Ls: Yayyyy, I didn’t miss the birth scene.

Bats: Can we switch to Link’s POV? I want to miss the birth scene.

Delta: I don’t think my usual Mudshakes are gonna cut it this time. I’m switching to Vodka Cruisers.

When I explained my concerns to her, she told me that in the event if I was to give birth before Link was to return home, her father would have him brought home.

Shoe: That’s blatant preferential treatment of a soldier and that’s – Ohhhh, forget it. Point is “King Zelda” is a crappy ruler.

After she told me that I started to feel a little better, but  it was the separation that was bothering me.

Yuki: Because the universe revolves around you, evidently.

I knew that spending such a great amount of time apart would be hard. I didn’t want to get lonely.

Ls: Aww, poor widdle Jenna. Don’t we all feel baaaad?

Delta: I stopped feeling much of anything a loooooong time ago.

Ls: 

Shoe: I know what she means, but on its own that is very silly.

We had been together for five months and married for two and never spent much of that time apart. “Would this long separation period stress me out?” I thought to myself. 

Ls: I think you’re stressing yourself out, lady.

Benji: You’ve only known each other for 5 months? Is this some sort of Charles and Diana sort of shit? 

Bats: *Counts on fingers* I guess that lines up, they, ah, let’s say “dated” over the course of just one summer before getting married. Might want to give it a little time before you go permabonding to each other in front of a bunch of voyeuristic stalker pee fetishist monks, though. I mean, like, forever, ideally, but that feels like a big step for “under two months,” is more the point, you know?

When I got home I was mopey. 

Ls: I’ve been feeling that way too.

Bats: She’s also a dick; someone get my harpoon.

Ls: Aye-aye, cap’n!

I knew Link would have to leave soon and then I was going to miss him. I wished that he did not have to leave.

Benji: I’m hoping he doesn’t return. Link might finally realise he’s being held captive by a crazy-ass Sue. 

Bats:

Ls: 

When he came home, he delivered the bad news. He told me that he was going to have to leave in the morning. As I looked into his eyes tears begun to stream down my face. I did not know how I was going to cope with the separation. I went into his arms and cried into his chest.

Bats: Not, you know, the fact that he might die or anything, you’re just hopelessly codependent is all.

Ls: Please, do die!

Link gently rocked me in his arms as I cried.

Ls: Waaaah. Literally.

Bats:

He told me that he would be home as soon as the war was over. He also said he would write as often as possible. Though the one thing that sacred me was that something would happen to him and he would not return home to me.

Benji: Oh, it certainly will be a sacred miracle if he doesn’t return. 

Ls: Please, Link, escape with the given chance!

I expressed my concerns to him. “I do not want our baby to grow up without a father!” I said choking in between tears.

Benji: That’s the least of their concern. These kids have to grow up with you around. 

Ls: Any chance we can abduct them and let someone better raise them?

Shoe: And thus Skullkid was born! 

“Do you remember the stories of my battle with Gannondorf?” Link asked. I nodded yes. “I survived that.” “I’m standing here as living proof.” “And a war cannot be worse then battling the King of Evil himself.” “I’m a survivor, I will survive.”

Ls: Did you really have to remind me of that particular atrocity?

Bats: *Link* “At first, I’ll be afraid. I’ll be petrified.”

With those words I looked deeply into his eyes and saw the determination in them. “Jenna my love, I will return to you.” “Love will guide me back.” He said as his eyes flickered with love and I knew then he meant want he said.

Shoe: “Not love for you. But I’ve been seeing a hooker. It’s the only way I can stand being around you. I love you, Linda!”

Bats: I don’t think his eyes are supposed to be flickering like that. *Bonks Link on the head* Darn thing’s on the fritz again.

He took his hand and brushed away my tears. Then he bent his head down and kissed me. A mix of emotions raced through my mind. Some sad, some happy and some with fear. I felt like the world was crashing down on me. Like all of the bad things were happening at once.

*Every past and future Asylum disaster repeats itself as all of the bad things happen at once*

Bats: … Well, at least it’s not counting-

*Including this one, causing all of the bad things to also recursively happen an infinite number of times*

Ls, underwater and being mauled by several demons: But does it include all disasters that don’t include themselves–

*And that, kids, was how Jenna caused the single worst event in the history of all conceivable realities. The en-*

*BZZZZT*

*One Asylum Reset later*

Though as I looked into his eyes I could tell that within my own heart, love will bring him back to me.

Benji: I’m sure the love of a prostitute will keep him away, hopefully for good. 

Just then Navi came flying into the room and saw that I was crying. She flew over to me concerned. “Jen, Link, where’s Lilly and are you ok?” I looked at the blue fairy and tears begun to stream down my face again. “A war has started in one of our allied lands, and the King has decided to send in knights.

Bats: Well, you know how it is. They have to support the noble nation of One of Our Allied Lands. I wonder if they’re being invaded by A Foreign Power; I’ve read enough old comic books to know that place is always causing trouble.

Link’s legion is one of them.”

Bats: Now, you may think that this is an error implying that Link’s legion is all one single knight, but it’s actually correct; the legionnaires are just very tiny and all have to pile into the same suit of armor. Think three kids in a trench coat, except it’s three thousand kids.

Ls: This seems a very ineffective army.

Delta: So, a bunch of Minish developed a hive mind and swarmed into a humanoid form?

Bats: Which makes Link the Minish Captain.

Delta:

Shoe: Or it could be that Professor X’s son is here, in which case everyone is doomed.

I begun to choke 

Ls: Yes! Choke!

on my tears as I held Link tightly. “Oh honey, I’m sorry, that is bad news, but you remember Gannondorf right?” I nodded yes. “Well he put Link through a lot worse then this, and he’s still here.” 

Benji: Author! You don’t have to keep repeating yourself. We already fucking know about goddamn Ganondork. You don’t have to keep reminding us! 

Bats: Who?

Delta: You mean Desert Man, right?

Shoe: “Yeah, uh, he also managed to kill the Water Sage and might come back in a hundred years…might want to do something about that.”  

Ls: Ganondorf is too busy clowning on Kiacstu to bother with these idiots.

Benji: I also let my inner troll come out. If I were to write a Zelda trollfic, Ganon would be called Ganondork, or some variant. 

“He loves you and he will come back to us.” “He is going to be a father and that will not keep him away for long.” Navi flew in front of me and her blue aura grew brighter. Her aura was always calming.

Shoe: I mean, yeah, an enemy arrow, or a sword, or a cheap OtherCountry hooker might keep away for long. It’s war, after all.

I looked into Link’s eyes. His eyes were as beautiful and as sexy as ever. Still like deep blue pools of water.

Benji: “And he was sexier den he looked in pics!” Seriously, was Link standing there emotionless as Jenna and Lilly talked? 

Ls: He’s essentially been reduced to her sex doll at this point.

 I just laid against his chest and enjoyed what time we had left. I did not know how long it was going to be before I was going to see him again. I thought to myself. “He loves me.” “Love will guide him back home to me.” “And that is all I need to remember.”

Bats: And with that, that’s that for that. 

Ls: Is that?

Bats: The next chapter is…

The Reunion

Bats: … that. Which probably entails a lot of awkward high school memories.

Ls: I’m out!

Delta: Thankfully, I’m able to avoid such things by having moved back to my hometown after spending my intermediate (the equivalent of middle school for you Americans) and high school years in a completely different part of the country because of child custody disputes, and only keeping in touch with maybe two or three of my old schoolmates.

Benji: I live in the same city I went to high school. I barely see anything I know from high school. Maybe they’re trying to avoid me? 

Some time had past since Link has left with the King’s knights. 

*The riff was now in past tense.*

He kept in touch via letters by carrier pigeon.

Yuki: Which was promptly shot to make pigeon pie. *sets down bow* It wasn’t me, I swear.

*BZZZZT*

Ls: Carlos seems unconvinced. 

Benji: Surprise she hasn’t added email or something into this fic? Link@hyrule.com

In one of his last letters he said that there was talk of a peace treaty.

Yuki: I actually read that as “treacle”.

Ls: Only slightly less saccharine than Jenna and Link are.

Shoe: That’s one way to fudge a peace treaty.

And if that happened the war would end and he would be coming home. To pass the time I either spent my time at the castle with Zelda or in Kokiri Village with Saria. And when it was too much to bear I spent those days in my garden or tending the farm. Most of the time passed easily, but there were days when I really missed him. And I was always awaiting for his next letter.

Ls: Well that sounds incredibly dull.

Then one day about four or five months later a message came in from Link that the peace treaty passed, the war was over and he would be coming home soon. 

Ls: Those evil Foreign Powers finally surrendered.

Shoe: Five months is like the shortest war ever.

Delta: Not quite.

Bats: It’d be… the fourteenth shortest, apparently. (That list is hilariously overinclusive, though. “The general concept of England/Britain and France fighting each other” does not count as one war.)

Bats: I’m just glad One of Our Allied Lands was able to settle their differences with whoever it was they were fighting peaceably. Vagueness is really a silly reason for war. Think of all the, um, numbers of lives lost already!

Delta: The sheer, uncountable numbers!

I started to cry tears of happiness. Link was finally coming home. I had missed him sooo much. My husband was returning to me like he said. And there was nothing more important then that. 

Ls: I can think of a couple things more important than either of your happiness. Like, say, a single grain of sand.

Bats: The fate of the innocent people of… wherever he was!

Lilly and Navi had come to make their routine check on me. When they came I told them the good news. They were happy to hear that Link was coming home. I was glad that Lilly and Navi were here. I wouldn’t have known what to do without them. They always made things brighter, and even helped the time go by faster. Even on the days when I got emotional from missing Link, they helped the sadness go away.

Though it was hard sleeping alone. Waking up and finding Link’s side of the bed empty. At least I had Lilly and Navi to help me through it.

Ls: Are you implying anything there?

Shoe: They left her all abuzz. (Good lord, I’m foul.) 

Ls: I’m regretting ever kidnapping you.

I was told that it was going to be about a week before the knights were to return to Hyrule. I could hardly wait. It was summer I was now nine months pregnant and to give birth soon. I did not want Link to miss the birth of our first baby.

The week seemed to go by quickly. And the day Link was to come home drew near. I spent the last few days with Princess Zelda preparing a “Welcome Home” Celebration for our men returning home.

Benji: I wonder what war crimes Link and his cohort committed? Let’s celebrate the murder of innocent people!

Ls: Come now, that’s baseless speculation.

And on the day they returned, everyone in Hyrule attended to welcome home our men. The crowd was huge. Everyone had crowded into Hyrule market. I had even seen other wives waiting for their husbands. 

Ls: Imagine that.

Bats: “You mean… other people have families too?! Next you’ll tell me that people who aren’t me have feelings or something.”

I had a hard time getting around. My stomach was big and when the baby kicked it took it out of me.

Benji: The baby’s probably yelling: “GET ME OUTA HERE!”

Shoe: I’m with the baby.

Ls: Her stomach comes off every time the baby kicks?

So moving through the crowd was very difficult. As the knights begun walking through the Market Place I finally found a spot where I could see and awaited for Link.

I watched as different legions went through, none of them Link’s. I felt his presence as I telepathically called to him. 

Ls: …doesn’t that sentence just sum up this fic abominably?

“Yes, my love.” “I will be there soon.” “I miss you too.” He said to me in my mind. Then when the last legion came through I spotted my husband at the lead.

Bats: (Which wasn’t very difficult, as you’ll recall that the Legion consisted of a single knight.)

My face grew bright as I called out to him.

As he passed by he smiled at me. At that moment I begun to cry, I was soo happy he was finally home. I could not wait to be in his arms again. It had been such a long time and I wanted to run to him and give him a hug. But I had some patience so I tried to wait.

Ls: Unlike you, I’m

The King was at the other end of the Market. He welcomed home each of the knights as they passed by. Some even got rewards for bravery.

Benji: Congratulations on killing that widow and her young children. We could not do it without you! 

Ls: Benji, this is a vague war with Foreign Power. They’re evil or something, remember?

Shoe: You know…we have pee-drinking rituals explained in detail but as to this big war that separated your pet Sue from her “Twu wuv”, we get precisely diddly. Your priorities are not guided by our Earth logic, Author.

I watched from the street as the King welcomed home Link’s legion. There was a long pause then the King called Link over to him. I watched to see if he was awarded anything.

There was a silence as the King produced a small red box.

Yuki: With a self-destruct button on top.

I moved in to get a closer look. When I got to the bottom of the stairs leading to the platform Link was on, the King noticed me and told me to join them. “Since you are this brave man’s wife, you may join him up here.”

Bats: Did anyone else get to join their spouse, or are you just specia- I answered my own question, carry on.

As my eyes darted around the Market, I noticed all eyes were on me. I got nervous, and the King noticed that.

“Come daughter, join your husband up here commentate his bravery in the field of battle.”

Benji: Link was sure brave when he thrust that sword into that young farmer. Pitchfork can be deadly, you know. 

Ls: Benji, are you okay?

Benji: I probably should stop reading The Hyrule Times. 

Ls: I understand wanting to hear any rumors about the truth of Link and Henna, but they take it a bit far. I mean, pee-drinking and weird tiger sex? Now that’s… never mind, I retract my statement. 

My eyes darted around once more then I slowly made my way up the wooden stairs and to the platform where Link and the King were. At one point I almost tumbled, but the King caught me and helped me the rest of the way up. 

Shoe: “Except replace “Help” with “Push” and “Up” with “down.” Truly, I am like a daughter to him!

Then I took my place at Link’s side. “This brave solder went above and beyond the call of duty, in the field of battle.” 

“He risked his own life to save his men.” “For that I award this brave man Link, The (8)Triforce of Valor.”

Bats: Let’s discover if this is interesting.

Ls: I think we know the answer beforehand.

(8) The Triforce of Valor is a pin that is awarded to a solder that risks his life or becomes wounded in the line of duty. Only solders with great stature are awarded this pin of highest honors. This pin symbolizes that you risked your life for your men on the field of battle and gains the wearer respect.

Bats: It is not.

Delta: Solders? What, are Hyrule’s armed forces staffed with robots now?

Shoe: YES! LET US HONOR THIS BRAVE WELDING TOOL!

Ls: That would explain Link’s robotic expressions throughout the fic! Maybe I am onto something with him being a sex doll.

Bats: He is, if nothing else, undeniably a tool.

The King opened the box and held up a pin with a red bird behind the Triforce symbol. 

Benji: Of course it had to be the Twiforce symbol…

In one the bird’s claws was a bundle of arrows and in the other was a lightning bolt. A small Purple Heart sat in the center of the Triforce symbol.

Benji: Because real-world symbols are a thing in Hyrule? Also, does that mean Link got injured? That hooker sure did play rough with him.

*Ls headdesks.*

The King took the pin and placed it on Link’s uniform. Then a loud cheering came from the crowd as Link turned to look over everyone. He waved a couple of times, then turned his attention to me. He took me into his arms and we kissed. More cheering came as we embraced. Then I looked into his eyes and a tear ran down my cheek. “I missed you soo much.” “I’m soo glad that your finally home.”

Delta: And I am soo sick of how they keep stretching that word out.

Ls: As am I. Stop it.

Shoe: I too am sooo pissed off. See, I got THREE O’s. Shows I’m serious.  

I said softly. Then I placed a hand on my belly. “Our baby is going to be born soon.” “I was told any day now.” I took his hand and placed it on my stomach.

Yuki: Never mind that fetuses are not carried in the stomach…

Ls: Maybe Jenna eats other people’s babies so she can…

Shoe: Fetus-os! Just like mother used to make!

*Ls stares off into space and begins quietly weeping.*

“Do you feel the baby kicking?” I asked sweetly. After a minute he looked back up at me and smiled. “Yes, yes I can.” At that moment his eyes seemed to glow, 

Ls: Yup, definitely a robot.

Bats: The Linktron 3000: The latest in award-winning combat drone technology from BatJamags Enterprises.

Ls: Bats, you know you just ripped off the PCC’s Instant Love Interest-Bot.

Bats: The Linktron 3000 is a patentably distinct invention! Its additional functions (directed to facilitating communications and terminating hostilities) represent a novel and useful restriction over the inventions claimed in the prior art.

as happiness filled into them, and I knew that he was happy to be home. 

Benji: Blink twice if you need help, Link!

Delta: Or at least beep out something in Morse code!

He took me into his arms again, and held me close. I noticed out of the corner of my eye that the King was smiling. He knew we were very happy together. Since Zelda had not yet married he at least had one daughter that wed.

Yuki: Dude, you’re not his daughter. Delusional much?

That made the King happy. Since we wed he had another heir to the throne.

Benji: GRRRHHHH!!!!! Jenna is not his biological daughter. Even if she were adopted, the crown wouldn’t go through her. It’s like the British Throne going through Carmilla’s children. Thinking about it, what I’ve just written could sound rude in the wrong context.

Shoe: Yeah, this makes the film version of From Hell look downright coherent.  

In the event that Princess Zelda does not take the throne, Link is next in line. Then I would become Queen.

Yuki: She sounds like a scheming supervillain or something. Then again, isn’t that what all Sues are?

The King knew he was not getting any younger, but he felt at ease knowing there was another to be able to take the throne in the event that Zelda does not. Though this did not change Link and I, but we had to groom ourselves in the event that Link would become King and I Queen. I loved the King, he had become like a father to me. But I was in no hurry to become Queen. Though I knew that day may eventually come.

Benji: AHHHHHH!!!!! This is making me mad! We’ve already gone through this. If Zelda doesn’t have kids, it will go through the King’s brother – if he has one. Or distant cousin (unless it turns out Link is Zelda’s cousin or something… goddamn, why am I taking this fic so seriously!)

Ls: Yeah, this makes no sense.

Bats: It’s got to at least be a good enough excuse for a rollicking round of every would-be monarch’s favorite game, Succession Crisis! Face off against your cousins to see who has the best combination of excuse claim to the throne and army size! Uh, mostly- mostly the second one.

Ls: I love that game! Cliff hosts weekly tournaments in the games room, and they’re always so much fun. They get pretty heated, though. Delta always complains about cleaning up.

Delta: Well, if this place would just hire more janitors so that I’m not stuck with all the work, you’d hear a lot less of that complaining! And the Succession Crisis cleanups are the worst; how the hell did all that pudding get in the drywall when there weren’t even any holes for it to go in?!

Bats: By order of the rightful king, that’s how.

As Link and I walked through the street, the crowd cheered as we passed by. Link was very beloved by the people of Hyrule. Every one in Hyrule owed Link his or her life. He saved them all. But now they were glad that Link had taken a wife. 

Ls: Why?

Shoe: You know, most of the people of Hyrule probably have other things to do than go “Yaaaaaaay for the Sue!” 

Bats: But- but- but- she’s the Sue!

And when our baby was born, everyone in Hyrule will want to bless the baby of the “Hero of Time.” Another to carry on in his/hers father’s legend.

Ls: Ah, yes, “hers father’s legend”. Such grammar.

When we arrived back home all of the Kokiri were there to greet us along with or fairies Lilly and Navi. 

Ls: Well, which was it? Kokiri or fairies?

“Your finally home, I missed you Link.” Navi squealed as she flew over to him. “You were really missed.” As she flew around him her blue aura brightened. “I missed you too Navi.” Link said as he smiled at her. “Jen and I really missed you to.” Lilly said as she flew in front of me. “Link, hey LINK!”

A girls voice called from behind the crowd. Then Saria came running through the crowd and up to him. “I missed you a lot too Link.” “How are you?” Saria said as her eyes lit up at the sight of him. 

Benji: *Link* Those hookers were really hot. You should’ve seen their tits. 

“Were soo glad your home.” “Jen spent a lot of time with us while you were away.” 

Shoe: Saria then grabbed Link by the ear and pulled his head down. “‘The fuck we ever do to you that you left us alone with her?! Your wife is terrible!”

Just then something caught her eye. “What is that on your uniform?” Saria asked as she gently fingered the pin on Link’s uniform. “It’s called the “Triforce of Valor.” “The King awarded this to me for my bravery in the field of battle.” Link said with pride.

Benji: Haven’t we already gone through all this? Why must the author repeat herself so many times? 

Ls: Haven’t we already gone through all this? Why must the author repeat herself so many times?

Shoe: Haven’t we already gone through all this? Why must the author repeat herself so many times?

Delta: Haven’t we already gone through all this? Why must the author repeat herself so many times?

Bats: I’ve seen fics start skipping, but the riff is a new one.

Ls: I’ve seen fics start skipping, but the riff is a new one.

Delta: I’ve seen fics start skipping, but the riff is a new one.

*Blaring alarms blare.*

*Blaring alarms blare.*

*Blaring alarms blare.*

Ls: Okay, that’s enough of that. Brian, please turn off the alarms!

Bats: Okay, that’s enough of that. Bri-

*Eldritch Blast’d*

 A loud “WOW” came from the crowd as Link showed everyone. “Oh Link, that is soo wonderful.” “You must be so proud of him.” Saria said as she looked at me. “Yes I am, but I’m just glad to have him home again.” I said blushing. Then we had a small celebration to celebrate Link’s return home.

Ls: As opposed to a celebration to denigrate Link’s return home.

We had a small feast, then we danced and drank. 

Ls: Lady, don’t drink alcohol when pregnant. 

Shoe: I dunno, it might make the wee babby Sue a genius compared to mom and dad here.

Delta: As if that’s a particularly high bar to clear.

Bats: Don’t worry. They had lots of sex, so the baby will be strong.

Then around Midnight everyone went home, and Link and I were left alone. We told Lilly and Navi that we were going to the pond out back to have a swim. The night air was warm, perfect for swimming. We went to our special little pond. Once there we took off our clothes and went into the cool water. 

Ls: hooray

Bats: You know how it is. Never hurts to be just a little more sure about the baby.

We splashed and played around in the water for awhile. Then I looked into Link’s eyes. They were glowing under the moonlight.

Bats: Yeah, the glowing eyes are getting to be a bit disconcerting, Link.

Ls: Maybe the pool will rust up her Linktron 5000!

I went into his arms, and felt his body against mine. Then he gently pressed his lips on mine kissing me deeply. It had been such a long time since we kissed like this. We kissed even deeper, our tongues finding their ways into each other’s mouth.

Benji: The mental image won’t leave my head! 

I felt his hands caressing my body, felt the connection between us growing stronger. I ran my hands down his back as he moved his lips to my neck. I felt his heart beginning to beat faster, heard his thoughts in my mind.

I wanted him soo bad. Wanted to feel him. It had been such a long time since we made love. I whispered in his ear that I wanted him. That I wanted to feel him. And I heard him in my mind, heard him say that he wanted me too. I felt the heat of our bodies, felt his hands touching me, felt them caressing my body. 

Benji: Too much caressing for one lifetime. 

Ls: I think this fic will make anyone start social distancing.

Bats: And just because you have telepathy doesn’t mean you have to use telepathy, especially to respond to verbal statements.

I started to breath faster, as my heart was beating in unison with his.

THERE’S NOT MUCH TO THIS ONE, BUT AROUND HERE’S PROBABLY THE PLACE TO START SKIPPING, I GUESS.

[They get started.]

Benji: Isn’t she nine months pregnant? I’m not sure this is safe for the baby. 

Em’s voice crackles over the PA system: That’s a myth. Unless they’re acting out a very strange fetish, sex won’t hurt the baby at all.

Shoe: Knowing them, I’m guessing they’re acting out a very strange fetish.

The intensity of it raced through my body, raced through my bones. It had been a long time since I felt this feeling. As we made love, I felt our connection become full. I felt as if our bodies merged.

Benji: Sorry to tell you this, Jenna, but that’s the baby kicking you. 

We became as one.

Yuki: Can you guys please stop with all the merging talk? Being in love doesn’t erase someone’s individuality, nor does it turn a couple into one being!

[They then… finish up within another sentence, actually. How mercifully efficient.]

Then I put my lips to his long, sexy pointed ear and whispered words of passion to him, before sweetly licking and nibbling on it.

Benji: Tasty! 

Ls: whyyyyyyyyyy

Benji: I’m starting to think the author has an ear fetish. 

I heard him moaning softly as I caressed his ear 

Ls: Stahhhp.

with my lips and his body with my hands.

SEE? NEXT BOLD TEXT IS RIGHT HERE.

I was so glad to finally be in his arms again, to be able to feel him. I had longed for this day; Longed to make love to him. Now my dreams had come true. He was finally home.

Bats: This chapter is over. I call that…

The Miracle

Bats: … Okay, better if it hadn’t happened in the first place, but whatever.

Delta:

The next few days were hard on me, 

Ls: Us too.

Bats: I thought that was the last scene.

the dizziness became horrid and I started to feel sick. 

Ls: I’m sick of you.

Bats:

Ls: “Deep down”?

It got so bad that I had to rest in bed. Then came the false labor.

*ZZZAAAAPPPP!!!!*

Em: And I’m telling you, the pyrotechnics weren’t… my…

*Em glances around the fic.*

Em: Seriously, again?!

Ls: It was an EMergency!

Em: Fiiiine. Let’s see what we’ve got here.

The pains were so intense that I felt as if my whole body was in a vise. I couldn’t get up out of bed without the pains making me feel like falling over. 

Em: That’s not false labor, deary. That sounds like something serious you should go to the hospital for.

Shoe: I’ve had pains like that after a meal of bad chili. Then I pooted a poot so pooting powerful it practically stripped the paint off my walls. Maybe you’re having the same issue, Jenna.

Bats: If the chili doesn’t make you feel like someone’s disposing of nuclear waste in your digestive tract, is it even any good?

Link had to care for me. I ate all of my meals in bed. And when it was time to bathe Link had to help me to the tub to wash me.

Benji: God! Not another bath scene! I barely got through the first. 

It was hard, I felt helpless. But Link had told me that he was glad to care for me. I was going to give birth to our baby any day now. And he did not want to see me or the baby get hurt. Then a few nights later it happened.

I woke up and rustled Link awake. “Link honey wake up, its time!” I was going into labor. 

Em: Which you know because…

Ls: Direct Line to the Author.

“Grumble.” “Go back to sleep.” Link said as he rolled over.

Benji: Today I learned Link only shows his real feelings when half-asleep. 

Then I shook him again. “Link, WAKE UP…..I’m going into labor!” I cried as I shook him. “Wha, What?!” “Oh my Goddesses, its time!” He jumped out of bed, grabbed his robe and went to get Navi and Lilly. As he opened the door, I heard him calling for our fairies. “LILLY, NAVI come quickly!” Link cried. “What is the matter?” Navi asked. 

Shoe: “I’m stuck in a fic where a blissfully clueless horndog views me as her own personal fuck toy and now she’s having a kid! There’s gonna be MORE OF ‘EM! HELP ME!”

“Navi, you and Lilly must fly to the castle quickly, fetch Princess Zelda and the healer!” “Jenna’s going into labor, its time!” ” And please make haste.” Link cried in urgency.

Em: What is Zelda going to do? Has she been taking doula night classes or something?

Ls: That sounds significantly more interesting than this dreck.

Bats: But- but- she’s the Sue. You don’t expect her to give birth without the presence of royalty, do you?

“Lilly hurry, we must go!” Navi screeched. Then Lilly and Navi flew off to fetch Princess Zelda and the healer.

I didn’t have long. The baby was on its way. 

*Em laughs hysterically.*

Em: Doesn’t have long, that’s a good one! Well, there are people who have very fast labors, but for a lot of women it takes many hours. My aunt had an almost 48 hour labor.

Benji: When my mom had me, she was only in labour for like half an hour. My parents should’ve known even then I would suffer from germophobia. 

I felt the contractions become less spaced apart. I hoped that Lilly and Navi would bring the healer here quickly. I tried to hold the baby back, but that was no longer any good after my water broke. “I cannot hold the baby back any longer, Link!” “My water just broke!” “One way or another this baby is coming.” I cried as my breathing became labored. “Just hang in there my love, Lilly and Navi will be back soon with Princess Zelda and the healer.” Link was getting more concerned with each passing minute. Then a horse came plodding up to the front of the house and I heard voices. “Oh…my Goddesses…..they’re…..finally here!” I said in between gasps of breath. Link ran out the door to hurry them along. Then a minute later he came back with the healer followed by Princess Zelda. “Princess, go get some pillows and blankets!” “And be quick about it.” After Princess Zelda came back with the pillows, she put a pillow under my head and the blankets over and under my body.

Em: Why are they covering you with a blanket? That will just be in the way.

Shoe: Maybe they’re trying to smother her.

Bats: But- but movie birth scenes always have strategically placed scenery! You can trust Hollywood, right?

Then Link came to my side and held my hand.

“Hurry the baby is coming!” I cried as the contractions became closer together. “You must breath slower.” “Take a deep breath.” ” Now push!” The healer yelled. I felt the baby trying to come out but something was wrong. “Push harder!” She called again “I’m pushing……as hard as I can,…DAMNIT!” I screamed. “Princess, do you see the head yet.” “No, not yet!” Zelda cried. “Damnit….GIVE….me something, LINK…you did this to….me!” 

Em: Cliché “You did this to me” line is cliché.

“DAMNIT…..get this thing….out of me….NOW!” I cried as the pain got worse.

Benji: Ummm…. Is this like that scene from Alien? I’m expecting something to burst out of her stomach any minute now. 

I started to curse as the pain became more intense. “Damn YOU…Link!” I screamed as I looked up at him.(but afterwards I told him I was sorry.)

Bats: Thank you for that extremely helpful note. I was on the edge of my seat.

“You must calm down.” Take deep breaths……thats it.” “Princess anything yet?” “No, mistress something is wrong!” Zelda cried as she looked up. “What?!” The healer yelled as a look of pure shock cross her face. “The baby’s head is not facing down!” Zelda cried again.

With those words came our worst nightmare. 

Ls: Klikky’s continuing EWPPG?

Delta:

My face went white as a sheet and so did Link’s. At that moment I thought our baby was going to die. 

Em: What?! The baby is breech, and although it’s a serious complication, it’s not inherently deadly. It is a much more difficult delivery that you don’t want some random princess handling, though.

I started to cry as the thought of loosing our baby looked evident. 

Ls: Always strap your baby in before driving.

Em: I mean, this could be a potentially dangerous situation if you have Zelda in charge, but presumably this random healer has midwife experience? Breech isn’t uncommon, surely she’s dealt with it before.

Shoe: And they literally have magical powers at their disposal? Why is this an issue when they have MAGIC?! Wouldn’t the fairies or whoever cast a spell to make this less of an issue? 

“We must act quickly!” “We have to get the baby’s head turned!” The healer yelled as she prepared to go in and turn the baby’s head. 

Em: Wait, I’m confused. Is the baby breech (butt first) or just sunny-side up (facing the mother’s stomach instead of her back). You can’t just “go in” and flip a breech baby once they’ve entered the birth canal. And physically turning a sunny-side up baby’s head while in the birth canal is a good way to injure them. Especially since sunny-side up is not that serious. A little more difficult, but not inherently dangerous.

As Zelda and the healer worked quickly together they managed to get the baby’s head in the right direction. “We got the baby’s head facing down now PUSH!” The healer cried again. “URAGH” I screamed as I pushed with every ounce of strength I had. 

Ls: I can’t take any work that has “URAGH” in it seriously.

Bats: It’s no uwaah, but it didn’t need to be onomatopoeized.

Ls: It’s a proto-uwaah! …man, Red Queen was something.

“Mistress I see the head!” 

Em: How did you know which way the baby was facing if you couldn’t see the head until just now?!?

“Now hands, feet…..”Then the next thing that I heard was music to my ears, a baby crying.

“Oh Goddesses…..congratulations its a boy!” Zelda cried. 

Shoe: Well, he’ll be a son of a…doooooh, you get the idea.

Bats: A son! A son! A son!

Tears of happiness ran down my cheeks as I squeezed Link’s hand. Then Zelda took and wrapped the tiny baby in a blanket and gave him to me. I cried even more as I held the tiny miracle in my arms. “He looks just like you my love.” I said softly as I looked up at Link. “We made this tiny miracle together.”

Shoe: He doesn’t really look like anything yet except a naked pink screaming thing covered in afterbirth. …Don’t insult your hubby like that, lady. 

Benji: Weren’t you cursing the day Link was born only a moment ago?

I laid my head against Link’s chest as I looked at the baby’s little face. “What shall we call him?” “Since he is a boy, and it was a son you wanted you pick the name my love.” I said as I looked into Link’s eyes. 

Em: That is, stereotypically, a terrible idea.

Ls: Both of you should have picked out names beforehand!

Shoe: I’d name him “Megatron.” Or “Flint McFlintface.” 

“Link the second he shall be called.” Link said with pride. “After his own father.” ” Named after a legend.” “Link Jr.” 

Ls: That’s a terrible name and I hate it.

Em: Not surprised. I’m sure that won’t get confusing in about fifteen seconds.

Bats: Now they have enough for a very short chain. Most likely a

I said softly. “Welcome into the world little Link.” I laid there and held little Link in my arms.

Shoe: …You have to use both arms to hold “Little Link?” Huh. I didn’t know our boy was so gifte-Oh, the BABY. Okay, that makes more sense. Ah, well.

I now felt complete. I had Link. 

Ls: Yeah, your son.

Now I had a son with him. 

Ls: Oh, you mean the other Link. Yeah, I think it’s been fifteen seconds.

This was the most beautiful gift Link gave me. He gave me……a miracle.

Ls: 

Benji: Yay! I didn’t miss the birth! 

Bats: And now that’s over. Let us count our…

The Blessing

Bats: … Okay, that one didn’t work either.

A few days later word had spread through Hyrule that Link and I just had a baby. When the King heard that Link had a son he was just delighted. 

Ls: “Thank goodness it wasn’t one of those daughters.”

He was going to have a blessing ceremony for the baby when I was well enough to get out of bed. Link spent the time I was in bed caring for me and our son. For the first few days we were keeping little Link in the room with us. It was safer and easier when he needed to be fed. Since I was breast-feeding him it was not much for me to get up and get him out of his cradle. There was the chair in the corner for me to use during feeding time.

I was surprised that for the most part Link Jr. slept through most nights. 

Em: Me too, since newborns generally need to be fed about every two hours. I’m not too familiar with Hyrule, but I’m assuming nights are longer than that.

Shoe: Maybe they have the little spat hooked up to a wee baby intravenous feeding thingie. 

Delta: Well, a full day-night cycle in Breath of the Wild is 24 minutes (12 minutes of day, 12 minutes of night), but that’s more for the sake of gameplay than anything; the in-game clock uses the same measurements as real-life ones, so we can presume that Hyrule has standard 24-hour days.

But there were a few times where he cried in the middle of the night to be changed or fed. But I was glad to have this little miracle.

Bats: I would get on your case for reusing that term, but he is, if nothing else, miraculously low-maintenance for a newborn.

He was my pride and joy. I finally had a family. A family to call my own. When I was well enough to leave the bed we sent word to the Royal Family that I was ready. Two days later, we had the blessing ceremony.

Ls: Does this involve pee too?

Benji: Probably something fucked up like eating the placenta. 

Shoe: Paging Junji Ito! 

The King had everyone in Hyrule attend. He wanted everyone to meet the “Hero of Time’s” first-born son. Also his name was to be announced to everyone after he was blessed. The sun was bright as I walked out of the Lost Woods and onto Hyrule Field. I was carrying Link Jr. in my arms. Link walked at my side as we went. I watched as little Link giggled when he saw the sun.

Em: Babies who are only a few days old can’t giggle. So I’m assuming the Sue snuck the Sueper Aging Serum into the kid’s bottle so he’ll be walking and talking about as fast as Dr. Zaon.

Shoe: It could be that the baby is trying to vomit in rage at everything and what Jenna thinks is laughter is in fact disgusted dry heaves. 

Ls: They can go to Daycare University for Toddlers together!

Benji: Soap Opera Rapid Aging Syndrome – TV Tropes

“This is the outside world my son.” “Look.” I said as I held him so he was facing Hyrule Field. He giggled and his little eyes lit up as he saw the new outside world. 

Em: It’s a well known fact that babies can only focus on things a few inches in front of them. He can’t see any of that. And I can’t stick around to see much more of this. Those pyrotechnics permits aren’t going to file themselves.

ZZZZAAAAPPPP!!!!

Delta: I get the sense that all that paperwork is still going to be vastly more engaging than what we’re having to deal with here.

Ls: Pleeease, Em, I’ll dot all your T’s! Wait, no.

I smiled at Link as he giggled. “He is so beautiful my love.” “He is the best gift you ever gave me.” 

Ls: *HURK*

I said as I looked into his blue eyes. Link leaned over and kissed me, smiled, then put his arm around me. When we reached the Castle Gates Princess Zelda, Impa and the King were there to greet us. We were taken to the Castle Courtyard where everyone was waiting to meet the son of the “Hero of Time.”

There was a lot of bustle as people waited to see the son of Link and Jenna. I looked from behind the archway and saw that the Sages had attended, and to my surprise even Princess Ruto was there. Even the Zora and Goron races attended to see this blessed event.  

Bats: Like… like… all of them…?

Benji: I was wondering when all the other Hyrule races would appear.

I cuddled our son as I waited for the King to announce us. Link smiled when our little son looked up at him, smiled big and giggled. I saw Link’s face just light up when I handed our son to him. I nearly cried as I watched Link cuddle our little miracle. Little Link meant as much to me as his father, my whole world revolved around them.

Yuki: That can’t be a healthy mindset.

They were my life. I listened as the King made his speech, then we were announced. I looked in to my love’s eyes and told him it was time to bless our son. Link handed Link Jr. to me and we went to show all of Hyrule the son of a legend.

I held the tiny baby gently in my arms as we walked out to greet all of Hyrule. Then as we walked out a loud cheer rose from the awaiting crowd. Zelda played her lullaby as I prepared our little son to be held high. When she finished the King spoke once more. “My people, this is a time of blessing.” “A new life has entered our world, a life born by Hyrule’s legend.” “Once a boy of destiny, left the forest and became a man.” “He entered the Temple of Time and pulled the Master Sword from its resting place.”

Shoe: “And then he was sent forward in time seven years! And then came back to the present in order to tell me about Gannondorf, thus meaning that the big destined fight didn’t happen!…I think! Wait, what the fuck actually happened? Can anyone tell me?”

Bats: “Your Majesty, as I recall, it both did and did not happen, and also he failed and died.”

Ls: 

 “Thus he became the “Hero of Time.” “His destiny became Hyrule’s salvation.” “His bravery saved us from a life of darkness.” “Then with his duties completed, he found and took a wife.” “Now that hero and his wife have been blessed with a new baby boy.” 

Ls: Two of those things are significantly more mundane than the rest.

“I now present the “Hero of Time” Link, his wife Jenna, and their new son.” Then the King smiled at us and gave us way. I handed our son to Link and we walked forward, to where all of Hyrule could see our new son. I stood by Link’s side as he looked down over all of Hyrule.

“I, Link the “Hero of Time” present our new son, Link the Second!” 

Ls: He sounds hyper. 

Benji: I’m getting Lion King vibes…

He yelled as he held our son up high for all of Hyrule to see. A loud cheering rose from the people of Hyrule as Link held our son up high. I smiled as everyone cheered, I felt happy. This was truly a special time in our little son’s life.

Ls: Blegh.

Shoe: I mean, he’s like three days old. Practically EVERYTHING is a special time in your little son’s life. 

After our son was presented, it was time for our son to be blessed. Rauru the Light Sage was awaiting with the other sages to bless our son first. He walked up to little Link and put his hands on his head. “Link the Second, son of the “Hero of Time” was born under a legend and will grow up in his father’s image.” “To help guide and protect him in his journey through life, we the six sages each bestow a gift upon thy little one.”

Yuki: And now we’re getting Sleeping Beauty vibes. Can the evil fairy just come in to put the Sue to eternal sleep?

“I, Rauru the Light Sage, bestow the gift of courage upon thee.” Rauru’s hands begun to glow as he gave the gift of courage to our son.

Yuki: Though, to be fair, a male Sleeping Beauty is an interesting concept.

Completed, Saria the Forest Sage was next to bestow her gift. “I, Saria the Forest Sage, bestow the gift of friendship upon thee.” Saria placed her hands on Link Jr’s tiny head and bestowed her gift.

Shoe: What the hell does this mean? Does it mean he’s good at making friends? Did she just friend him on Zeldagram? 

Ls: I’m definitely unfriending Jenna on Zeldagram. 

Delta: Why did you even have her friended in the first place?

Ls: Um… surveillance?

Next was Daurina. “I, Daurina the Fire Sage, bestow the gift of power upon thy brother.” With his big Goron hands he gently placed them on the tiny baby’s head and shared his gift with him.

Shoe: Again, this is pretty damned vague. What does this MEAN? Power in general? Is he gonna be a superstrong babby? Is he gonna fill his diapers with fire magic? Will he grow up to be a long-schnozzed asshole who turns into a giant blue pig like what happened with the last dude with the gift of power? 

Then reluctantly Ruto walked over to our son to bestow her gift. “I, Ruto the Water Sage, bestow the gift of love upon thee.” She placed her gentle fish like hands in our son’s forehead and gave him her gift.

Shoe: Why reluctantly? I mean, I’d be reluctant if I were to approach this little mutant Suespawn, but that’s just because he’s a Sue infant. What’s HER Problem?  

Next was Impa. “I, Impa the Shadow Sage, bestow the gift of wisdom upon thee.” Then the Sheika gave our son another beautiful gift.

Shoe: And thus given the gift of Wisdom, Little Link looked around and said in a wee baby voice “Fuck this for a game of soldiers.” And, wriggling out of his mother’s arms, ran off to be in a better fanfiction.

*BZZZZT*

Ls: Really, Carlos?

Bats: Poor thing wants to do that but doesn’t know how to walk.

And last was Nabooru the Gerudo. She walked over to the cradle where our son was lying. She peered into the cradle and smiled at the little infant. “You truly look like your father.” She said as she placed her hands on his small head. “I, Nabooru the Spirit Sage bestow the gift of compassion upon thee.” Then the final gift was given.

Next Princess Zelda came to bestow her personal gift. She gently placed her hands on our baby’s head and gave him the most special gift “I Princess Zelda, bestow the most important gift of all, the gift of knowledge.” I watched as her gentle hands begun to glow. Then an aura of white light surrounded the tiny baby as the gift of knowledge was given. Once completed the white aura faded and Rauru spoke once more. “With these gifts, Link the Second shall be guided through the valley of life.” “He is truly one special child, a child of destiny.” 

Ls: Yes, so Speshul. Wake me up when something less dull happens.

Benji: I’m trying to work out if these ‘gifts’ are real things, or just metaphorical. 

Shoe: I’m trying to work out if these people washed their hands, first. I mean – Help me out here, Em. Would YOU want a bunch of people with unwashed hands just fondling your baby’s baby noggin?

Ls: Shoe, I think Em’s off doing paperwork. 

Bats: *The King* “Now, speak my name!”

Bats: *Link Jr.* “Shazam!”

I held Link tight as I watched our little son get his final blessing. A tear of happiness ran down my cheek as I thought of what beautiful gifts were given to our special little son. Our son was truly a descendant of my “Hero of Time.”

Benji: Unless you’ve been sleeping with someone else… then it’s going to be an awkward discussion with your husband when the baby doesn’t look like him. 

Bats: “Jenna, why is our baby glowing? And- are those wings?”

After the blessing was complete our final place for Link Jr to receive a gift was from the Great Deku Tree. After some final words Link and I took our son and headed for Kokiri Forest. Saria came with us. Once we arrived at the Great Deku Tree he awoke from his slumber. “Ah Link and Jenna, I have been expecting thee.” “Come and sit.” As we sat down in the grass as little Link giggled and reached for a butterfly that fluttered near his head.

Benji: He’s practically a newborn! Is he going to suddenly weild a sword or something? 

“I see thou have had thy first born.” “As promised I give thee a special gift.” I watched as a small glowing light flew over to us. Then I noticed it was a fairy. “A fairy for our son, this is truly the best gift of all.” I thought to myself. As the small blue fairy flew around our son, he giggled and tried to reached for her. “Hello.” “My name is Aria.” “Nice to meet you.” The fairy said as she fluttered in a circle around our little son.

Bats:

I smiled as the young fairy played with Link Jr. Then as I looked into Link’s eyes, he saw a tear run down my face as I smiled. “Our son truly is very special.” ” He’s our little miracle.” I laid my head on Link’s shoulder as he stroked my right arm. Our son was very special indeed, he was the son of a legend.

Bats: And on that very special note, this riff is done, but you can catch more exciting adventures of Link and Jenna in the next one.

Ls: “Exciting”. “Adventures”. Yeah, I doubt that.

Delta: At most, I’d be willing to call them “experiences”.

Ls: That’s pushing it. Anyway, bye!