0340: The Ides of March – Chapter 2, Part 2

Title: The Ides of March

Author: eventidespirit 

Topic: Gundam Wing, Sailor Moon, LOTR

Media: Anime

Genre: Humor, Adventure

URL: Chapter 2 

Critiqued by: Em Kay

Greetings and salutations, Wardens and lunatics. I’m Em Kay, your snarker for the day, and with me is the very reluctant Harri.

Harri: Just get on with it. I’ve put this off long enough already.

Alright, alright. Today we’re finishing up this Sailor Moon x LOTR x supposedly Gundam Wing crossover, although that part hasn’t shown itself yet. This is the last half of the last chapter, though, so at least in theory it should appear in here somewhere.

Last time, we were treated to another long, rambling, supposedly Lord of the Rings flavored “parody” in the not-fic portion of the fic before the author finally got around to the actual fic. With Amy as the new protagonist, we were subjected to an equally boring but somehow even dumber scene of Ms. Haruna, the newly promoted principal of their school, being vain, obsessed with hot pink, and pining over Jadeite, or as she knows him, Mr. Jed. Amy eventually got fed up with Ms. Haruna’s new characterization and bailed, heading to the bathroom.

I was so dazed as I walked into the bathroom that I did not notice the two girls who were arguing by the door. 

Yeah, that horribly OOC scene with Ms. Haruna was… a lot.

I almost tripped over one of the girls who had very long brown hair and muttered an apology. “No problem” the girl replied in a very cheerful and strangely deep guy-like voice. I ignored the facts right in front of my face for a while as the two “girls” continued to argue.

Excuse you, my voice isn’t exactly “girly” and I have every right to be in a women’s bathroom. If you ever hear me speaking with such a voice, I’m either doing it for a gag or I’m nervous and defaulting to Customer Service Em. Voice pitch is not a metric for determining gender and if this fic is about to be transphobic, I will be extremely upset.

Wait, as a matter of fact, as my mind cleared and as I looked at them, the two girls did look pretty masculine. 

Doesn’t matter.

And their voices were suspiciously deep and man-like. 

Don’t care.

Could it be that there were two guys in the girls’ bathroom just standing there freely?! 

They’re not doing anything bad so maybe just do your business and leave? Or, if you’re uncomfortable about being alone with them there, go to another bathroom? It’s a school, I’m sure there are plenty.

No this could not be…no it was actually true, but I will not by the force and morals of all that is right allow this gross violation of every girl’s private rights!

Dude, they’re not in the stall with you, they’re standing next to the door. You’re not about to drop trou in the middle of a public restroom, are you? What do you think this is, a men’s room?

“Maxwell! You idiot! You led us into the wrong bathroom again! I told you we should have waited for Heero, the only Japanese one of us to lead us to the bathrooms!” The Chinese looking guy yelled at his American looking companion.

And we have now officially entered the Gundam Wing portion of the fic, 75% of the way through.

*Em digs a remote out of a desk drawer.*

Minions!

*The lights in Em’s office dim as Em presses a button on the remote. A screen lowers against the far wall and the Suddenly There Projector^TM focuses an image onto it.*

Mobile Suit Gundam Wing is a Japanese anime series created in 1995. It’s the seventh show in the Gundam series, but the first to be shown in the US. The five main characters are the pilots of five Gundams; giant mechs akin to the ones in shows like Voltron or any of the myriad of other shows with battle robots driven by people.

Since the plot of the show is going to have absolutely nothing to do with this fic, I’ll skip that part and just introduce the characters. I know very little about the show itself, so I’ll be relying heavily on wikis for this information. Feel free to correct me in the comments if I get something wrong.

*Em hits a button on the remote and advances to the next picture.*

Chunk-chunk!

Heero Yuy is the main protagonist and the pilot of the titular Wing Gundam, and he is canonically of Japanese descent. He’s said to be very stoic and calculating during battle but I’m just going to assume his character will be just as wildly OOC in this fic as every other character we’ve seen so far.

Chunk-chunk!

Trowa Barton is the pilot of the Heavyarms Gundam. He is quiet and tends to hide his feelings. As part of his cover, he works as a circus performer and is associated with masks since he wears them during his performances.

Chunk-chunk!

Quatre Raberba Winner is the pilot of the Sandrock Gundam. He is the most kind and humble of the five pilots. He’s a soldier reluctantly and the only one to express sorrow when forced to kill enemies.

In the interest of scooping Linstar, yes, his first name is the French word “four.” All the pilots except for Heero (y’know, the hero of the story) have number names in various languages, although Quatre’s is one of the most obvious. And also yes, the numbers do correspond to the designations of their Gundams. 

“Trowa” is supposedly based on the French “trois,” if you’re stumped there.

Chang Wufei, who the fic just had yelling in the girls’ bathroom, is the pilot of the Shenlong Gundam. He’s one of only three pilots given a specific ethnicity/nationality, and the Mandarin number five (“wu”) is hidden in his surname. He can be hot-headed and has a very strict honor code.

Duo Maxwell, the “American looking” boy standing in the bathroom with Wufei, is the pilot of the Deathscythe Gundam and actually is American, although I have no idea how Amy was supposed to tell that by his appearance. He wears his hair in a long braid and, since his adoptive parents were a priest and a nun, his collar is purposely meant to look like a Christian clerical collar. He’s the jokester of the group so I’m sure he’ll be the one subjected to pulling off most of the LOLRandom in this part of the fic.

Minions!

*The Suddenly There Projector^TM and screen have suddenly never been there.*

Right, so we rejoin our fic with Wufei having just yelled at Duo for leading him into the girls’ bathroom instead of waiting for Japanese-speaking Heero to tell them which was which.

“Well, Wu-man, first off its Duo and I’m sorry. When nature calls, I’ve just got to obey. And besides as you said, your bladder was practically bursting. And I know a bit of Japanese. I know what the characters for girl and boy look like.” Duo countered.

The other boy seemed even more furious 

I would be, too. Duo purposely led Wufei into the girls’ bathroom of this random school. Is this some bizarre middle school prank where you trick a boy into going into the girls’ bathroom and that somehow makes him unmanly or something? I don’t get it.

“It’s Wufei you oaf! You what! You can understand Japanese. Then why the heck did you lead us into the weaklings’ bathroom!” Weaklings? Girls? I felt insulted. 

Yeah. Unfortunately misogyny, specifically that women are weaker than men and need to be protected, seems to be a canon trait for Wufei. Naturally, this fic is going to magnify that a million times for teh lulz.

I was still too shocked and shy to interrupt the two though.

That does fit Amy’s personality. She’s naturally very shy and rarely speaks up for herself in her civilian form.

Duo merely smiled. “From what I’ve learned, female bathrooms tend to be more sanitary than male ones

That’s a trope that is apparently not a thing in hyper-sanitary Japan, but very commonly believed about US restrooms.

and besides your bladder’s now free be happy!”

Harri: While I don’t quite understand the need to segregate toilet facilities, I have to agree with Duo. It appears the restroom was empty until Amy walked in, so they weren’t disturbing anyone while they took care of a bodily function. What does it matter which sign was on the door?

I’ll concede that point, but there is a girl in the bathroom now that seems at least confused by their presence. Why can’t they have this argument outside the restroom?

Wufei continued to yell at Duo as I stood there. “This is a dishonor to my family name! 

Why? Did you have to leave your name on the door in order to enter or something?

First, I’ve gone into the wrong bathroom twice with you…and total Injustice! 

“Justice” is a concept Wufei has extremely strong feelings about canonically, so… I guess we’re just throwing that in this sentence as if it makes some kind of Unnecessarily Capitalized Sense?

These women! They get couches in their bathroom. That are actually quite comfy?!” 

Is he upset because the ones in the mens’ room aren’t comfy?

Harri: Is it common to have couches in a room meant for disposing of waste?

Not at all. The closest I’ve ever seen to a couch anywhere near a toilet is a small alcove with a rocker in it meant for breastfeeding mothers. Even that was well off to the side with a curtain to separate it from the main bathroom.

There is a chance that the author is making a play on the French word “couche” being used on the feminine hygiene dispensers found in some bathrooms to mean “pad,” but that seems like a very big stretch.

Duo grinned. “Yep, those are the perks to being in the women’s bathroom. And it’s not twice; we’ve been in the wrong one about um… five times? 

Why is Wufei following Duo anywhere at this point?

Do you remember…” Not wanting to hear about more bathroom mishaps, I decided to interrupt. 

Thank you, Amy.

“Um…Excuse me… Since you do realize that you are indeed in the wrong bathroom, could you two perhaps leave? 

It’s making me very uncomfortable with you two in here and …” I began. 

At least Amy has kept her canon intelligence.

Duo approached me and placed his hand on my shoulder. “I forgot my manners! 

You mean like not touching people who just told you to get out?

Yep, you probably aren’t used to being in the bathroom with such an ugly guy like Wufei and a hot guy like me huh?” 

*Em grimaces.*

I grimaced. 

This is not turning out well at all.

This was not turning out well at all…

Will you stop repeating me in past tense?!

I mean don’t get me wrong. 

Get you wrong? There’s two guys arguing in the girls’ bathroom and you very politely asked them to get the fuck out. What’s there to get wrong?

Those two guys were quite attractive, 

*Em headdesks repeatedly.*

Have I mentioned that I hate the boy-crazy trope?

but this was just such an awkward situation. When I thought that things could not get any worse, two guys, well actually only one (did the barging), barged into the bathroom.

…What (are you trying to say)?

Another handsome messy brown haired teen walked in. Behind him, a blond teen was blushing furiously. “Please, Heero, we shouldn’t be in here. Look, there’s a girl in here.” He covered his eyes.

I’m guessing these are Heero and a very sensible sounding if over-chivalrous Quatre.

“Oh! Heero, Quatre! You found us in here? Man, you know me too well.” Duo greeted them rather strangely as Wufei began to complain more about their mishaps.

Bathroom doors generally aren’t that thick. They probably just heard you arguing from the other side.

The one called Heero grunted as he rolled his eyes at Duo. When he suddenly looked (no actually glared furiously) at me. 

(No actually Goddess of Parentheticals): 2

He pulled out a gun from nowhere (must be a space pocket) 

While that is a simpler name for the SDQF, I don’t think I’ll be using it.

(Must be Goddess of Parentheticals): 3

and pointed it at me. I gasped and was even more shocked to see that his friends seemed to see no irregularities in this. 

I know there’s a scene where Heero holds a female schoolmate at gunpoint, but there are several major reasons he did that. And, as far as I know, that was the only time that happened. It wasn’t because she was standing in a school bathroom.

I’ve been trapped in the girl’s bathroom by maniacs!

Absolutely, Amy. Extremely OOC maniacs.

Heero continued pointing the weapon at me as I began to hyperventilate. I’m too young to die! He turned to Wufei and stated, “She’s one of the girls we’re looking for.” Everyone looked puzzles. 

Is it family game night already?

“Uh Heero, in case you haven’t noticed, she looks nothing like any of these sailor scouts we have to find. I mean just look. She isn’t wearing a mini skirt like she was in that picture we saw.” 

Clark Kent glasses have nothing on anime skirt length.

I turned red in embarrassment. Then, was shocked. How did he know I was a sailor scout? 

He literally just said you aren’t a Sailor Scout.

Why were they looking for us? And, they had space pockets! That had to mean they had some sort of power. 

And now you know why girls get so excited when a dress has pockets.

Setsuna meant them! 

Sure, let’s go with that.

They were the important even that was supposed to happen. Now, 

-where were the important odd?

were they good or evil?

…

Also a valid question considering one is pointing a gun at Amy for no reason at all.

As his friends continued to still be confused and stare at him like he was insane (which I highly believe is true), 

(Highly believe in the Goddess of Parentheticals): 4

Heero pulled out a (gasp) 

(That stands for Goddess Of (Superfluous) Parentheticals): 5

full size model of Sailor Mercury, me! 

From where?!

Harri: The space pockets, of course. They have all that space, after all.

Of course. How silly of me.

“Look! They look exactly alike minus the clothes!” 

He has a naked mannequin of Amy?!

He was frustrated now. Duo and the others remained clueless. “I still don’t see the resemblance. I mean if we made this girl wear that outfit, I could probably be able to see for myself more accurately.” 

Okay, this is starting to veer into creepy territory. Please stop this.

Heero was furious now! He yelled “How many freakin’ girls could there be with blue hair?” “He’s got a point there.” Wufei agreed. 

No he doesn’t! Do you have any idea how ridiculously common it is for anime characters to have blue hair? Amy isn’t even the only Sailor Moon character with blue hair. I know the fic has already forgotten about Crazy Ikuko and her rantings about the Ides of March, but she also has blue hair!

“Though even I have difficulty seeing the resemblance. As they argued, I found out that they were paid a large sum of money to find us, though I did not know of the purpose why. 

Why would they be paid to find and/or kill anyone? The Gundam pilots aren’t hired lackeys-

Harri: Hey!

-Or professional assassins, they’re resistance fighters. 

I feared that they wanted to kill something, or us so I tried to leave the room. Heero immediately noticed and pointed his gun at me again.

Suddenly, the door opened. And there was a teacher who came in! No! My reputation as a good honest student was ruined forever. 

Your reputation is ruined by having a teacher find you being held at gunpoint in the girls’ bathroom?

I was caught in the bathroom with 4 guys (might I add attractive as well). 

(Goddess of Parentheticals says you may not): 6

To my shock, it was not only a teacher but a male one. It was Jadeite!

Did Serena tell him the “Girls Bathroom” sign actually meant “Boys Bathroom” and he was too stupid to not believe her?

“Oh hey Amy!” He greeted me as if nothing was out of the ordinary. “What’s wrong?”

*Em pounds her head on the desk to distract herself from the “humor” of the fic.*

I began. He could help me from this miserable situation. “Jed! First off, he (I pointed at Heero) has a gun, 

(Em points at the Goddess of Parentheticals): 7

which he is directing at me and secondly, why are you in this bathroom anyhow?”

There’s a maniac pointing a gun at you and you’re still hung up on which sign is on the door?!

To my dismay, Jadeite looked at Heero’s gun and gasped in joy! “Oh my! Is that the Terminator X 9000! That hasn’t even been on the market yet! 

It’s great for hunting isn’t it? 

Why would you use a handgun for hunting?

And, oh you boys are smart coming into the girls’ bathroom. Honestly, our bathroom is a mess. There’s a huge clog again and the place reeks. I usually come in here after school whenever I can. I hate going into our bathroom.”

Again, that is a US trope that doesn’t exist in Japan.

“But, Mr. Jed, aren’t you going to reprimand anyone? We aren’t allowed to have guns in school, you know, against school rules?” I asked.

He shook his head. “Heavens no! Don’t blame me; blame my faith and belief in the Second Amendment! 

Harri: The Second Amendment?

It’s a giant air cannon that used to compete in an annual pumpkin throwing competition. It usually did quite well. I’m sure its creators appreciate Jadeite’s support, but they do have a newer version.

And besides, with a great gun like that, you must feel honored to have such a great weapon directed at you!” 

Fuck you, Jadeite. Guns aren’t funny.

He then knocked three times on the wall. 

A strange box popped up and he entered a numerical code. He answered our questions by merely stating “Special teachers’ bathroom.”

What in the Dr. Who is going on here?

Quatre now had begun whimpering. “You guys, we’ve been using real guns the whole time? I thought they were water guns! Those soldiers who fell after I shot them, weren’t just afraid of water? I actually hurt them! Ahhhhh! I am a sinner!”

There’s a difference between feeling remorse for killing people and… whatever that is.

I tried to get to the door of the bathroom, but all the boys were blocking my way. Heero continued pointing the menacing gun at me as I gulped. “Where is the planetary sphere?” I frowned. What the heck was he talking about? 

I have no idea what he’s talking about.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” 

Will you knock that off?!

He frowned as well. “Tell me the truth now.” Hating being stuck in the bathroom with 4 guys any longer I asked “Can we please leave the laboratory before I tell you?” 

A Lavatory Laboratory sounds like something either Dr. Doofenshmirtz or Dexter would have. 

I stepped back and tried to stand next to the “safest” person in the room. The guys had surrounded me in a circle. Heero’s gun and Wufei’s glare prevented me from standing towards them. 

I didn’t realize standing was directional?

I decided to stand by Quatre, who seemed nice enough, but a boy sobbing and crying was a scary sight, 

Toxic masculinity is just so funny, guys!

so I stood by Duo who seemed to be the most normal of these people. 

Right, the creep who purposely led his misogynistic friend into the girls’ bathroom and then tried to hit on you is the normal one.

At this point, I was growing paranoid that another teacher or even worse, my friends would come in here. They would make fun of me forever if they saw this.

Yeah, that’s the worst outcome for this hostage-at-gunpoint situation alright.

Alas, my worst fears came true, as Lita and Mina just so happened to come to the bathroom. 

“Amy!” Lita gaped at me. (She didn’t seem to notice the gun.)

(Everyone noticed Goddess of Parentheticals): 8

“Of all the girls I would expect to see with 4 hot guys in the bathroom! I would have never imagined you were like this Amy. Oh! Amy, you player!” I blushed. 

I hate this so, so much.

This was turning out to be an even worse day than I had expected.

I have to agree with you, there.

Harri: You did promise to let me finish my job today. I could… lessen your discomfort?

But your job was only to take out Serena, and she hasn’t been in this chapter since the opening not-fic section.

Harri: Well, at a minimum it would probably distract the rest of them from… this.

Isn’t your whole thing doing the job with as little attention as possible?

Harri: There are occasions when starting a bit of a ruckus is called for. It’s kind of hard to get the blame put on a rival if no one notices the target is dead.

Touché, but there’s only a few paragraphs left. I’ll just have to suffer through it.

Of course, dependable Mina had wasted no time in flirting. She and Duo practically looked like a couple in a matter of about a minute as she drew hearts on his chest. 

Then again, that offer is starting to sound really appealing.

Their antics were interrupted by a watch beep. To my relief 

And the reader’s-

Heero muttered “Time to go. We just got another message from our mysterious benefactor” and marched out. 

I have no idea who you are, mysterious benefactor, but you just became the best person in the fic.

Quatre and Wufei followed him quickly, while Duo remained for a while longer and blew kisses to Mina.

Lita, meanwhile, continued to integrate me. 

While Amy is the tech person of the team, I don’t think making her physically part of the mainframe is a good idea.

“So what happened? How did you manage to get those guys in here?” I sighed. It was going to be a long story.

I don’t think “They barged in and started waving a gun around” qualifies as “long.”

The banging outside of Serena’s room had grown so loud that Amy could no longer continue her writing. 

And I guess the author forgot they were putting the not-fic in italics because we seem to be out of the fic proper again.

“Serena, you can’t hold them off at the door any longer?”

Serena nodded. “It’s time to block the door with all we’ve got!”

Use the italics you just remembered to brace it! Don’t let the incredibly stupid subplot through!

Amy looked despairingly at the door. It was hopeless. 

*Em sighs heavily.*

I know. The author’s commitment to the dumb is just too strong.

Her diary would be in their clutches before she could destroy it. “So let the battles for the diary begin,” she whispered.

What has been happening before now?!

Author’s notes: 

*Em breaths a sigh of relief.*

At least the not-fic is over.

Now that was a fun chapter to write. 

It was not a fun chapter to read.

Thank you to all my dear reviewers! You guys rock! Thanks for reviewing my story and please spread the word around. Tell others to read my story!

This riff kind of forces people to read your fic so… mission accomplished?

I apologize in advance that I may not update very often. 

Or, y’know, ever again. This fic hasn’t been touched since 2003. I’ll just snip the customary rambling about having a life.

*Snip!*

But by all means, read and review! Oh! And I hope you got the LOTR parody I was trying to do with Amy and the diary. 

We did, although it may have been less painful if we didn’t.

I don’t exactly know what I’ll do for the next chapter yet, but it’ll be good (perhaps some adventures in the land of Oz). 

(Perhaps more visitations from the Goddess of Parentheticals): 9

Oh and if your wondering where Trowa is, reread the 1st chapter! 

He was? Wait, you mean the guy whose only description was “gravity defying hair all slicked in from of his face”? How on earth were we supposed to know that facial hair gelled over a guy’s face was supposed to mean fifteen-year-old Trowa?

I think I’ll just have Serena and Amy narrate throughout the rest of the story because well, they’re so few Amy centered stories out there and Amy’s a better cool character to center a story around. 

That’s fair. After her introductory episode, Amy is reduced to side character with occasional lines pretty quickly.

And with only 2 narrators, the story will be more focused and in depth on their specific adventures. I have some pretty funny chapters in the future planned in my head right now, 

Thank Those Gods we were spared any of that.

but there has to be a few more transitionary chapters before I get to them so that you know, the characters can know each other better and yea. I’ll stop blabbing now.

Harri: Lies.

Preview of next chapter: For sure, a continuation of the stealing Amy’s diary story

Just staaaaahhhhp!

And the ever so cliché (I’m so sorry) 

(Don’t lie to the Goddess of Parentheticals): 10

arrival of the guys at the girls’ school with twists on it of course.

They’re already there. IN THE BATHROOM!

Anyway, that is finally the end of the fic. And yes, Harri now you are free to- …Harri?

*The chair under the clock is conspicuously empty.*

And I’m not going to investigate that any further.

Let’s see. Next up on the roster is… 

*Em checks her calendar.*

Wait, this just says “patriotic” in red, white and blue letters. *Em shrugs* I’m sure that will make sense next time.

Until then, stay loony!