Title:My Inner Life Author: Link’s Queen Media: Video game Topic:The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time Genre: Nonsense Critiqued by: BatJamags; MisterShoebox; Linstar; Yuki, la poétesse de neige; Delta XIII
Bats: Hello, wardens and lunatics!
Ls: Another week, another dose of the toxin that is My Inner Life.
Delta:
Shoe: Yaaaaaaaaay I am going to get even with you, Bats. I have no idea how yet. It’s going to involve a sack full of rabid weasels but mark my words, revenge will be mine.
Bats: Since this fic’s deciding to have a plot this late in the game is so random, our first chapter can only be…
The Encounter
Bats: Roll for initiative!
*Ls’ Role the Dice flashbacks intensify.*
Ls: Stay away, Drugo! No peeking!
Delta: *dice rolling noises* …how the hell does a D20 land on its corner?!
Bats: Very carefully.
Grabbling my bow and my (9)Phoenix circles
Bats: Oh, boy, let’s take a look at the doubtless perfectly well thought-through explanation for whatever those are!
Title:My Inner Life Author: Link’s Queen Media: Video game Topic:The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time Genre: Nonsense Critiqued by: BatJamags; Delta XIII; Linstar; MisterShoebox; Ben the Destroyer; Yuki, la poetèsse de neige
EDITING NOTE: This was meant to go up a little over twenty-four hours ago, but I somehow scheduled it for the complete wrong day and time? Uh, anyway, it exists now.
Bats: Hello, wardens and lunatics! This is going to be a short one, since the previous and next chunks work out better this way. I’m sure you’re all disappointed.
Delta:
Ls: This sounds… promising?
Shoe: At least it’s short. Yaaaaay.
Benji: I don’t have an excuse when I fall asleep again.
*Alarms blare early*
Bats: I- what? What happened?! We haven’t even started the fi-
*The DRD arrives early, before they normally would, preemptively breaking into the riffing chamber before they have cause to and capturing a worm, which they take.*
Bats: I, um, that was… certainly something that just happened.
Title:My Inner Life Author: Link’s Queen Media: Video game Topic:The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time Genre: Nonsense Critiqued by: BatJamags; Linstar; MisterShoebox; Delta XIII; Ben the Destroyer; Em Kay; Yuki, la poetèsse de neige
Bats: Hello, wardens and lunatics!
Ls: Hell. O.
Bats: Unnecessary O; recommend deleting. … Wait, this isn’t the Google Docs comments, is it?
Ls: No, but it is Hell.
Bats: That would explain all the paints; should’ve brought a smock.
Ls: Hell is Satan’s art studio.
Ls: …I’m sure someone else has said that before.
Shoe: Hi, Bats! I just want you to know that I’m happy to be here and I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW.
Bats: That’s what I’m here for.
Delta: I’ve returned, and I’m going to make it everyone else’s problem.
Ls: Great.
Benji: I somehow dropped off to sleep in the last riff. Did I miss anything?
Ls: Not anything of worth, to be sure.
Bats: If we’re all together, I think it’s time for…
Title:My Inner Life Author: Link’s Queen Media: Video game Topic:The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time Genre: Nonsense Critiqued by: BatJamags; Linstar; Yuki, la poetesse de neige; Delta XIII; MisterShoebox; Ben the Destroyer
WARNING: This is the one where they drink each other’s pee. … Yeah.
*Ls bangs loudly on the door of the riffing room.*
Ls: LET ME OUT! LET ME OUT!
*Delta slumps in his chair, rapidly downing bottles of Vodka Mudshakes*
Delta: There’s no point. We are, unfortunately, in this for the long haul.
Bats: Hello, wardens and lunatics!
Shoe: *Cheerfully*. Fuuuuuck you! :D!
Yuki: Why are we still here just to suffer?
Bats: Because I’ve read this fic multiple times and I don’t want to suffer alone!
Benji: When do I admit to once drinking my own urine?
Title:My Inner Life Author: Link’s Queen Media: Video game Topic:The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time Genre: Nonsense Critiqued by: BatJamags; Linstar; Delta XIII, MisterShoebox, Em Kay; Yuki, la poétesse de neige; Thunder; Ben the Destroyer
Bats: Hello, wardens and lunatics! Theoretically speaking, if I’m going to run a riff I should probably actually participate in it at some point, but I ran out of time again, so I will let my kidnappees take it away and maybe be more involved next week…?
Ls: Hello, all. I’m baaaaack!
Delta: Unfortunately, so am I.
Shoe: Yar.
Thunder: *quietly implodes*
Benji: I currently have the ‘Vid, so every time I laugh it causes my chest to hurt. Wish me good luck…
Back in Hyrule
Ls: Yeah. There.
Delta: Not in any specific spot or anything, just “in Hyrule”. Somewhere.
Benji: Wait, they left Hyrule for their honeymoon? I assume all that terrible sex happened on a nearby coast? Seriously, how fast are these horses?
“Welcome home, how was thy honeymoon?” The King questioned.
Title:My Inner Life Author: Link’s Queen Media: Video game Topic:The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time Genre: Nonsense Critiqued by: BatJamags; Linstar; MisterShoebox; Delta XIII; Yuki, la poétesse de neige; Thunder; Ben the Imposter
Bats: Hello, wardens and lunatics! I was still kind of out of it while we worked on this one, but we are back.
Title:My Inner Life Author: Link’s Queen Media: Video game Topic:The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time Genre: Nonsense Critiqued by: BatJamags; Linstar, MisterShoebox; Delta XIII; Yuki, the poet, Ben the Preppy Poser; Thunder
Bats: Hello, wardens and lunatics! Last time, author’s note. This time… content.
Bats: My kidnapping victims co-riffers seem to have escaped stepped out, so I’m going to go find them.
*Bats picks up an oversized vacuum cleaner and marches out of the room. After a few minutes, he returns, opens it up, and dumps out a pile of very disgruntled riffers*
Delta, covered in filth: Ugh, I’m gonna need multiple showers for this.
Ls: *Achoo!* Stupid dust bunnies. They seem to think that my hair is an acceptable meal.
Thunder: Dirt. My greatest enemy. Thanks for inflicting more suffering onto us, by the way.
*Yuki coughs profusely again*
Benji: I’m here to serve my prison sentence.
Bats: If we’re all settled in, then lo, a prologue begins.
*And then Bats wound up being busy the entire week and contributed almost nothing to the riff, whoops*
Title:My Inner Life Author: Link’s Queen Media: Video game Topic:The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time Genre: Nonsense Critiqued by: BatJamags; Linstar; Delta XIII; Yuki, the poet; Ben the Destroyer, MisterShoebox, Thunder
Bats: Hello, wardens and lunatics! Today, we’re looking at one of the more widely-circulated legendary badfics. This is an old enemy for me, because I had begun a riff of it for Library of the Damned back when I was a guest riffer, but erttheking began a riff before I could submit any of it. But it’s also well-worn territory for snark, so I figured that we might be able to breathe a little life into it with teamwork!
*Bats waits a moment. Crickets chirp.*
Bats, picking up a butterfly net: And by “teamwork,” I mean I’m going to kidnap some other riffers. Stand by.
*One kidnapping later*
Ls: Mrrph! Mrrrph! *Ls rips his gag off.*
Ls: Bats! Did you have to do that after EWPPG? I thought I was the one who kidnapped people (mostly Shoe. Everyone else came semi-willingly)!
*Yuki coughs profusely*
Delta, chained up in a chair:
Benji: Somehow I’ve been roped into this. But I presume I’d eventually have to pay for my own (fanfiction) sins.
Shoe: *Is furiously attempting to chew off his own leg.*
Thunder: Did someone say collective suffering? Count me in, heh. Now please untie me.
Bats: We gave a loose rundown of the Legend of Zelda series back when Lorenzo visited this same game. This fic will employ less beat-for-beat gameplay regurgitation and a bit more actual lore. It still doesn’t have the… closest relationship to canon, and trust me, there will be enough for those not familiar to comment on. I’ll give you a short version right now, though.
Ls: I wonder which fic will represent the canon better (though that’s a very low bar)?
Bats: The Lorenzo fic had verbatim regurgitation and thus was necessarily at least somewhat related to the actual plot of the game, but it also had Klikky stink, so I’m calling it a wash.
Ls: (For our newbie riffers; Lorenzo is another name for Kiactu, an awful pedophile of Gary Stu, and Klikky is his author.)
Bats: Anyway, the Legend of Zelda is a series of fantasy action-adventure games by Nintendo, one of their big tentpole series. It tends to reboot to have variations on a formula from game to game, though there’s a loose excuse premise that the main characters reincarnate over a long period of time and the games are about different versions of them (mostly; there are a few games with actual direct sequels, but no specific incarnation has lasted more than… three or four games, I think?).
Bats: The games take place in a land called Hyrule, ruled by either the titular Princess Zelda or her typically-unnamed-and-often-killed-off-partway-through father. Hyrule will be threatened by some evil, usually the schemes of Ganon or Ganondorf (both names are used; in some cases, like the game this fic is based on, “Ganon” is a powered-up evil form Ganondorf turns into). Link is a dude who in some games is already friends with Zelda but in cases like this is just some rando, but in either case he goes out to save the kingdom, usually by recovering MacGuffins and useful weapons/gadgets from a series of dungeons. While a couple other characters have recurred, typically these three are the important ones, in particular because they’re each associated with part of the Triforce, a set of triangle-looking gimmicks created by the gods which give you great power when you put them together and which Ganon is sometimes trying to gather up for his own nefarious purposes (Zelda has the Triforce of Wisdom, Ganon has the Triforce of Power, and Link has the Triforce of Courage).
Bats: Ocarina of Time was the game that brought the series to 3D and is one of the most popular installments. I think ultimately the much more recent Breath of the Wild wound up being more commercially successful, but Ocarina was pretty synonymous with the series for a long time. Its main distinctive gimmick is that Link starts the game as a ten-year-old, but upon gaining the titular artifact can bounce back and forth from a period seven years in the future, his age shifting accordingly. (Depending on how you interpret this, it makes parts of this fic… suspect, but as it also takes place an unspecified amount of time after the game, I’ll give it a pass.) The reason this is useful is because there are places he can only access in one time or the other, tools only one version of him can use, and so forth. He defeats Ganon as an adult; the game portrays him as having returned to the kid-Link time period to live out his life normally, and the direct sequel/midquel (“sequel” as Link’s already experienced all of Ocarina’s events, “midquel” as it takes place in between the two eras) Majora’s Mask follows that possibility. However, the official timeline for the series (which is hysterically complicated for how unimportant it is) has the timeline breaking into three branches at Ocarina: One timeline where Link failed and died (including the first game in the series, hilariously), one where he became a child again like in the game’s actual ending, and one where he remained in the future (a choice which he’s offered, but I don’t think you actually have the option to accept it). I bring all that up because while this fic doesn’t really address what happened, it does have an adult Link hanging around after the plot ended, though whether because he never returned to his own time (Timeline 3) or because he did and then grew up the long way (Timeline 2) is itself not addressed.
Bats: tl;dr: Don’t do time travel, kids.
Ls: Don’t tell me, tell DaniSue.
Thunder: Um, I have a question about—
Ls: Danisha Wood is a character from Back to the Frollo (one of our previous group riffs), who travels back in time to get together with Claude Frollo. It’s worse than it sounds like.
Yuki: If that’s not wild enough, the Claude Frollo being fangirled over is the Disney version. Y’know, the one who’s a horrible parent, a genocidal maniac and a creepy sex offender.
Delta: Riffing that was certainly an…experience.
Shoe: I STILL Haven’t sobered up.
Bats: Our riff begins with… the author’s note. See, one of this fic’s distinctive attributes is that it begins with what may still be the longest author’s note I have ever read, and it is a true crowning achievement of wankery.
Ls: Oh, and fun fact–it has its own wiki! Not unlike My Immortal or Starkits Prophecy, actually.
Author’s notes: Hello.
Yuki: Is it me you’re looking for?
Bats:
Delta: Man, that joke I made in EWPPG about just riffing author’s notes turned out to be a real monkey’s paw, didn’t it?
Critiqued by: Linstar; Mister Shoebox; BatJamags; SC; Em Kay
*A young man falls through a portal on the ceiling of the riffing chamber.*
Ls: Aaah–ow!
*Ls looks around the room.*
Ls: Oh, look, a riff. Greeeat. Welcome to Klikky’s idea of a Zelda fic. Someone else, feel free to do the infodump.
*SC, wearing a lobster shirt, kicks open the door (gently; he more like “nudges” the door open) and saunters over to his seat, laying a heavily ornamented shield, a Distinct Sword, and a magical conducting baton down by the desk. The baton makes angelic singing noises as it moves.*
The Asylum Riffs 
