0346: Role the Dice: Asteriskos Sapphirus – “Session” 5, Part 2

Title: Role the Dice: Asteriskos Sapphirus
Author: Travezty
Media: Tabletop RPG
Topic: Dungeons & Dragons
Genre: Adventure / Romance
URL: Chapter 6
Critiqued by BatJamags, Kane, and Silabar the Librarian

Hello once again, wardens and lunatics. Last time, the author’s self-insert raped the insert of his girlfriend. Fuck this fic.

The Next Day…

After everyone has had their long rest,

Oh, god, can you not hurl us right back into the game mechanics after… whatever the hell it was you just did.

though some of it was disturbed thanks to the two love birds,

the group continues on their way along the trail, but, strangely enough, after Eryn and Nevermore check the maps they got, it turns out that one of the ruins that is mentioned on the Dragon’s Map is that there is a ruin not far ahead of them, and, after some calculations, reveals the route between the fork which passes by the ruin and to their destination, is only altered by a few hours, and there is a city just north east of it, so they can sell any of the stuff that they got from previous adventures.

*One moment please. Your riffer has suffocated from trying to read that run-on sentence.*

Silabar: I swear, the number of third-level spell slots I’ve spent on Revivifying him…

Kane: Is that how he keeps coming back so quickly?!

Silabar: What, don’t you want to get this over with faster?

It takes them a few hours to reach the town, which, if one could describe it,

If only we had a narrator for things like this.

is just inside the northern borders of Moldova, which makes things just a bit easier, the city of Soroca.

Weren’t you idiots already in Romania? Why did you go back out to visit Moldo-

*Is hit over the head with the retcon stick*

… Huh, has my shirt always been this color? Guess it must’ve been.

The City itself is bustling with farmers, soldiers, and even merchants from other places within the region, and, unsurprisingly a group of what appear to be militia actually arrive to investigate them. “Hold!” The guards say, “What is your business in Soroca, travelers?”

“Looting your archaeological sites.”

“We are making our way towards Romania

Generic Guard Captain 2: Captain Boogaloo: Then why are you coming from Romania?

Durrgaul: Shut up we never reached Romania yet that’s obviously been the case this whole time. Anyway, what news from the war with Eurasia?

to aid a friend’s people against a Red Dragon, but we recently discovered a Young Red Dragon nesting in the mountains North of here…!” Nevermore says, “We recently found this map in it’s possession, and it’s talking about a ruined city near here called… “Kurast” I think was it’s name?”

“Kurast?” One of the guards asks, “You seek out this cursed place?”

… Okay, Kurast doesn’t seem to be a real place as far as I can tell (though Soroca is; in fact, I’ll admit that if one had to get from Kyiv to central Romania, Soroca is along the way assuming you don’t care about adding an unnecessary border crossing).

Or at least, it isn’t yet.

“It’s along our way, and we thought it would be fun to look into…!” Durgaul says, turning his head to the guards, who just now notice the sapphire dragon, and aim their weapons at it, only for the higher ranking member of the group of guards to raise his hands.

“You dragon, are you black or are you sapphire?” The Guard Leader asks.

Pfffffffft, wow, rude.

“I am both sir, I was born a Sapphire Dragon but was also born with this black coloration!”

Silabar: I do not think that is what he’s asking. He can see your pigmentation, I assume. He’s asking because black dragons are known, or presumed, to be rather more hostile in temperament than most.

Though it shouldn’t quite matter anyway; Nah-hamut did so graciously give them all free will, after all.

“You wouldn’t happen to be known as Drugo’Naigo would you?”

Of course random guards in a random city have heard of him.

“Previously, my half-dragon half-brother gave me a new one, but how did you know that?” Durgaul asks.

“All hail the Stu!”

“You’ve actually gained quite a bit of fame on your travels from Kyiv to Vapnyarka!

Of course he has. And of course it’s just him.

First demons then Half-Dragons, and now a Young Dragon! You and your group have gained quite a bit of fame from the battles you took part in, especially since not many adventurers, for the first outing, take on a Glabrezu, even a reduced threat one, and manage to kill it as brutally and efficiently as the rumors say you did.!”

Pft, sure, if you say so.

The Guard Captain says, “The Name’s Captain Bard by the way!”

Kane: … The town is a lost cause. Burn it and flee.

… Wait, is that like the guy from The Hobbit? Does that mean he’s going to kill Durrgaul? Please tell me he’s going to kill Durrgaul.

Kane: … It pains me to admit it, but you raise a very compelling point. Yes, wyrm, stay here as long as you feel you must.

“Nice to meet you captain! But yes, we are seeking to investigate Kurast, as it is on our way to Romania.” Durgaul explains, smiling.

Kane: Stop that.

“Then I suggest you take a day’s rest at a local inn that is actually fair priced for adventurers like you and will provide decent food and rest for you all!” Bard says,

Is that a surprise? Are the inns they find usually unfairly priced and don’t provide decent food and rest?

*Kane snorts*

Honestly, I’m just proud of the author for not giving every inn a rating on the “squalid/poor/modest/comfortable/wealthy/aristocratic” scale in the Player’s Handbook. (The only difference is the price, and even the most expensive is so low compared to the rest of the game’s bizarre economy that even most fairly low-level characters could probably get away with an “aristocratic” lifestyle. Adventuring pays, apparently.)

looking to Durgaul, “Though you might!”

Might what? Might rest?

“Oh don’t worry about that, good sir, I have a way to get inside the inn, I just need a place to park our carriage!” Durgaul says, smiling.

Kane: I have had enough.

Pack Up Your Troubles in Your Old Kit-Bag count: 87

“I suggest you and a few of your men come with us if you can show us a place near the inn that we can safely stash our carriage,

The thing is tricked out with so many random enchantments I’m shocked it’s not just magically theft-proof.

I can then show you, if it will help with security!”

The carriage?

Silabar: His shapeshifting, I suspect. Which does not help with security because…

Silabar: … You can always choose another face.

Kane: I am more impressed by how little effort you put in. You couldn’t even get rid of the ring?

Silabar: No, I don’t think I could.

“That would be acceptable!” Captain Bard says, to which he and his men escort the dragon-driven carriage to a nice place it can be parked for the duration of their stay,

This patch of Formless Void sure is… nice.

Kane: Yes, I can imagine one might… park a carriage over in the… area.

Silabar: I just love what they’ve done with the… architectural elements.

and Durgaul has the straps magically removed

Glad that enchantment exists. It’s contributed so much to the plot.

as, before everyone’s very eyes, he transforms into his Elven form, with his opulent work of art garments resting on his body. “Oh my!”

Didn’t we already do Stu Show and Tell with this?

“Sorry, but when I first transformed, these garments were the only thing we had on hand that actually fit,

Wait a minute, you’re traveling with eight other people, and the entire point of this exercise is that you can shapeshift. Why not just be an elf who fits into the clothes on hand instead of a Schwarzenegger elf?

so I would like to do some shopping later for some actual clothes and…”

Who do you think you’re kidding? You did this on purpose to show off; you’re not going to stop now.

He then holds his chin, “Is there a place I can get these garments enchanted?”

Wow what a surprise never woulda guessed.

“There is actually a shop near here run by a dragonborn artificer named Ormr Blodskalm!

He’s one of those Scandinavian Moldovans.

He can enchant your gear for you, within a reasonable price, and within a few hours if you pay for a rush order!”

Kane: A few hours?! For permanent and custom enchantments?

Silabar: Who is he, Mordenkainen?!

Today I learned that there are in fact magic item crafting rules buried in an obscure section of the rulebooks, but the time needed to do it is measured in weeks; one full week for even the most common items.

“That would be perfect!” Durgaul says, smiling as the group are shown to the tavern, as well as a map of the local part of the city, where they can find some shops for stuff they need. Going to a nearby Shop, a Jeweler’s known as Tamatoa’s Shinies, Durgaul meets with a Simic Hybrid who has a pair of crab arms sprouting from his shoulders, an Elven Simic hybrid.

A… what?

*Typety type*

No…

*Type type type*

Not there…

*Type type typety*

… Oh, of course it’s from the most obscure and ludicrously specific source imaginable.

Okay, this is from Guildmaster’s Guide to Ravnica, another one of the Magic: The Gathering tie-in/crossover books that I avoided because I’m not interested in MtG. I know absolutely nothing about the sourcebook or this species beyond that, but the description I managed to dig up is:

The Simic Combine uses magic to transfer the traits of animals into humans, elves, and [another species specific to this sourcebook].

So… I guess an organization that presumably doesn’t exist (but then, I guess House Lyrandar exists, so who the hell knows) put crab arms on this dude?

Also,

Pack Up Your Troubles in Your Old Kit-Bag count: 88

“Why hello there young master, is there anything I can do for you?”

Explain why you exist!

“I’ve actually come to sell some gemstones I have on hand!”

“Oh? How interesting!” The Simic Hybrid says,

It’s really not. Why are we reading this?

*Silabar is paying rapt attention*

“How can old Tamatoa help you?” To this, Durgaul brings out the 25 Blue Sapphires and 16 Black Sapphires, to which the man smiles as he looks at their quality. “My my my! You must’ve gotten these out of a dragon’s hoard!”

Or a… sapphire… mine…?

… *Typety type*

… Okay, fine, you win this round, author. There are black sapphires.

Pack Up Your Troubles in Your Old Kit-Bag count: 89

“You wouldn’t be wrong on that one! So how much would all of these together fetch?”

How is he supposed to tell three seconds after you dump them in fr-

Silabar: Roughly 105,000 gold pieces, not that any single merchant is going to have that price on him.

*Sigh*

Author, you keep giving your characters an absolutely out-of-control amount of money for, like, single fights.

“Well, if we were going straight from their value based on their type alone, it would be well over 105,000 Gold, but all of these are extremely high quality gems, so that price would jump up to 125,000 Gold!” Tamatoa says, looking at them,

*Double sigh*

“However, I honestly don’t have the ability to pay out for all of these gems…”

Well, that’s something.

“Then how much can you pay for?” Durgaul asks.

“Well, I can pay for the Sapphires, but the Black Sapphires are a bit too rich for my blood… So how about I pay you the 27,000 for the Sapphires, adding the value of their quality into the mix, and you keep the Black Sapphires for a rainy day?” Tamatoa asks, to which Durgaul shakes on that deal and Durgaul smiles as he trades in the Blue Sapphires,

Silabar: That is still a ludicrous amount of money that just changed hands in a matter of minutes.

Kane: My party prefers carrying gems over the equivalent value in gold due to weight considerations. We’ll sell them intermittently when we need to free up spending money.

Why, it’s almost like that’s part of the reason for gems and art objects.

Pack Up Your Troubles in Your Old Kit-Bag count: 90

and returns to the group, finding them at the Green Dragon Inn, in which he finds the group eating a fine meal.

Silabar: Naming your establishment the “Green Dragon Inn” in a red dragon’s territory is… bold.

“Durgaul!” Eryn says, waving him over, “Come on, join us!” The dragon smirks as he sits down next to them. “So how did the sale go?”

I don’t care.

“It went well, got us a hefty profit for the sapphires, totalling 27,000!” He then carefully splits it amongst the group, each getting 3,000 gold to spend. “This will be the pocket money we all get to spend whilst we are here for the night!”

Kane: How exactly do you each intend to spend 3,000 gold pieces in one night?

Silabar: Perhaps at the multiverse’s fastest artificer?

“Sounds good to me!” Evolyne says, “Because, while we do have healing potions, I think we’ll need some other things as well, since there are some decent shops around here!”

Aha! Things!

“Then I suggest that, after we eat, we go do some shopping to make sure we’re stocked up!”

“I’ll focus on getting basic supplies and load it into the carriage’s cargo hold…” Nevermore says, “It will come in handy!”

Aha! Supplies…?

“I’ll find an apothecary to get us a good price on a couple of crates of healing potions!” Eryn says.

Crates of healing potions. They’re… admittedly pretty much the single most common magic item, for obvious reasons, but they’re not that common.

“While you guys are out, can you guys see if you can find me a supply of Wheat Grains, Lupine Blossoms, and Butterfly Wings, as well as Warbler Egg Shells and Tern Feathers if you can…!” Ember says, reading what is on the cylinders she has. “And a Cauldron for me to mix them in!”

You know, those common household goods.

… Wait, don’t you idiots have a cauldron? You were using it earlier this chapter!

*Sigh* I’m sure once the author remembers we’ll find out that no, actually, whatever this spell is requires two cauldrons, or some kind of special cauldron she never actually said she needed.

“Is that what is stated in the recipe on those cylinders?” Eryn asks.

“No, I just thought these random items would make nice decorations for our convenient mansion-carriage.”

“The former three were for a regular healing potion, whilst adding Warbler Egg Shells are for Greater Healing Potions, and the same with Tern Feathers for Superior Healing Potions!

Healing potions that… heal more damage, obviously. Crafting a superior healing potion, one superior healing potion, should only take you about… ten weeks and 1,000gp!

(These ingredients are not familiar and thus stand a decent chance of being ripped off from something or only described in a painfully obscure source.)

And it even gives me the preparation, mixing, and boiling times!

Kane: A potion recipe gives you instructions on how to make the potion? Truly, you’ve made a unique discovery.

Also has a mix of ingredients to add some flavor into it!”

Oh, boy, Ingredients! For Flavor, no less! I bet it will taste just like Food Item!

“Oh flavor to a potion, now that would be interesting!” Eryn says, to which Ana gives the sorcerer a list of ingredients on what the recipe calls for.

Kane: Potions have flavor. Usually an unpleasant one, but they have it.

“I will see about having our arms and armor repaired and honed if we need it!” Damos says.

Do you… not know?

“And I’m going to buy myself some proper clothes, to be honest these garments make me a target, and I want to reduce that a bit. I’m also going to look into seeing if I can get this stuff enchanted, I think it could come in handy!” Durgaul says,

Silabar: You want to have your current garb enchanted so that you can… not wear it.

smiling.

All: GAH!

Pack Up Your Troubles in Your Old Kit-Bag count: 91

Everyone nods, “As for everyone else, see if you can find anything out about Kurast! We might need the information sooner rather than later!”

This is literally just a side-trip; why would you think it’s at all urgent?

Everyone eats their fill but before they scatter, Durgaul decides to visit the nearby magic shop with everyone and, thankfully, they find a Firbolg Man walking over to them “Oh Good afternoon!” The Firbolg says, “My name is Davith, and how might I be of service to you?

Silabar: Firbolg are forest-dwelling giant kin. Harmless enough, but I’m not certain what in particular there is to be thankful for. Were you expecting the shop not to have a shopkeep?

“Do you have any Bags of Holding for sale?” Durgaul asks.

Don’t you idiots already have one?

“Why yes! Are you looking to pay or trade?”

“Depends on how sturdy these ones are!” Durgaul says.

Kane: It… does not matter. A Bag of Holding’s contents do not physically rest in the bag.

“Well I can certainly assure you that my bags are made with the highest quality materials! In fact…” He looks at the man, seeing the bag at his side, then to Mina and Fiona’s bags. “You actually have quite the Bag of Holding yourselves!”

Exactly! I’m not sure even this author could give you so many toys that you’d need more than one of the things. Maybe two as you get into higher levels, but-

“Selves?” Durgaul asks, to which Mina and Fiona show they have Bags of Holding as well. “Where did you get those?”

“We had them for a while now…” Mina says, “Mine was a gift from my father!”

“And I stole mine from a group of bandits!” Fiona says, smiling. “There is no honor in ripping off anyone undeserving, my master taught me that!”

*Sigh*

Pack Up Your Troubles in Your Old Kit-Bag count: 92

“And those bags are made with some high quality Dragon Leather!” Davith says,

Silabar: Dragons sometimes kill humanoids, and some even eat them, but I am reasonably certain we do not generally make accessories out of their skin.

smiling at the bags,

*Silabar slaps the counter angrily.*

Pack Up Your Troubles in Your Old Kit-Bag (which is made out of an intelligent being’s skin) count: 93

“I use the same material, but those bags of holding you have there are not of my make! Anyway…” He counts how many members of the group there are and begins to dig through his stock, “But you’re lucky, I still have 6 Bags of Holding Left!”

SIX?!

He then places them all down on the table, “Now, normally, each of these costs about 7,000 Gold Each, but…”

Silabar: You’re being swindled! I wouldn’t pay more than five hundred gold pieces for a bag of holding. At most! I suppose there had to be some greedy firbolgs in the world, but what a strange place to meet one.

Kane: Kill him. Hide the body in one of the bags. By the time anyone suspects, you’ll be gone.

Setting aside that suggestion, I’m just glad the author’s habit of throwing around inflated amounts of money is working against the protagonists for once.

He looks at Durgal’s garments, and smirks, “I am sure a noble lord like yourself can shell out something of equal value?” Durgaul, looking at the man, tempted to raise an eyebrow at this,

Okay? So he’s more interested in barter than selling. You outright said you were willing to trade.

doesn’t get the chance to as Damosarion rushes forward.

“How dare you!” Damosarion says, almost zealously, “Do you know who this is!?” Damos shouts at this man,

Random Overcharging Firbolg: I don’t care.

But no, seriously, what? Why are we “Do you know who I am? Just wait until my father hears about this!”-ing this interaction?

“This is Durgaul’Nergahl, son of the Greatwyrm Klauthiym! How dare you demand more of an Empyrean of such greatness and power,

Silabar: An Empyrean is a kind of demigod, and greatwyrms are not actually divine.

who sought your aid out specifically, to obtain the means for us to explore and possibly even find plunder in Kurast!?”

“Wh-what!?” Davith asks,

Yeah, I’m not sure why you should care eith-

shocked, before falling to his hands and knees, bowing his head to the ground. “Forgive me your Holiness, I meant not to offend!”

Okay, never mind I guess.

“There is nothing to forgive, good sir…” Durgaul says, gently, placing his taloned hand on the man’s chin. “I only recently obtained the power to take on human form myself, and I defeated a Red Dragon who had these garments in his hoard.

Who cares?

So there is nothing to forgive for people such as yourself, trying to make money to bring prosperity to his family and people, to make such demands.”

That has nothing to do with what you just said.

(*Rolls Persuasion for Durgaul* NAT 20!)

What is he trying to persuade the guy of?

Unbeknownst to Durgaul, a divine halo of sapphire light forms around his head as he looks down upon the Firbolg in front of him, tears of both fear and awe running down his face as he looks upon the dragon in elven form before him. The man sees the halo flowing from the dragon’s head, his chocolate brown eyes both piercing, but warm and gentle, staring deep into the merchant’s soul as the man etches the face of this son of Klauthiym into his very soul.

Rolling 20 for persuade doesn’t turn you into a saint, author. Yeesh. Lay it on a little thicker, why don’t you?

“I am not worthy of your forgiveness, your Holiness!” The man says, looking at Klauthiym with eyes full of wonder and awe, “Please, your holiness, take these for half-price… Your Cleric is right, I should not have assumed of your wealth because of your garments.”

… I- but- Was that the issue? Author… he is rich as fuck! You do remember dumping ludicrous amounts of money on him in each of the last two chapters, right?

Silabar: (Half of the listed price is still seven times the maximum possible value of the bags.)

A pretty neat trick, actually.

“Good man…” Durgaul says, smiling gently at the man, “However, I still wish to pay you for them…” He gently reaches into his bag of holding, and brings out his bag of Black Sapphires, “Take these, good sir, and may your trade dealings be ever more prosperous and may your choices lead to the betterment of your people.” Durgaul gently hands his companions their bags, and they leave, with Durgaul looking at the man one last time with a gentle smile. The Firbolg falls onto his backside as the dragon leaves, holding a hand over his heart as tears flow down his face.

Oh my god, give it a rest already.

… Also, those black sapphires are worth 80,000gp, or I guess 98,000gp after the author jacked up the price because of the “quality.” At the merchant’s full price, the six Bags of Holding would total to 42,000gp, or 21,000gp at half-price and 3,000gp at the Dungeon Master’s Guide’s maximum price. You massively overpaid beyond what you were asked in the first place, after getting offended that he dared assume you were rich.

*Taps the buzzer twice*

Pack Up Your Troubles in Your Old Kit-Bag count: 95

“A God…” The man says, crying as he had seen the face of a god,

Silabar: He is not. He is a wyrmling with an inflated opinion of himself.

and he think back on all the dealings he had in the past, how he had ripped off many an adventurer with his overpriced goods,

Kane: And he’s just achieved his most ambitious scam yet not by his own guile but by his mark’s stupidity. It’s almost poetic.

and that Dragon, the son of a Greatwyrm, showed him mercy when one of his companions sought to punish him…

For… haggling???

He can’t help but cry in shame, but also shed tears of joy, and he engraves the name of the Dragon into his heart.

He does what?!

“Durgaul’Nergahl…” The Merchant says.

Silabar: Can- can humanoids survive carving things into their own hearts?

Maybe it was a metaphor…?

It was in this moment that, hundreds of years into the future, a new religion would be born, where a single merchant would become the first of what would thought to be a cult, only for it to grow and expand into a religion covering what would later be realized as the Carpathian Empire, where, from a simple act of mercy and benevolence, a god in the form of a Black Sapphire Greatwyrm would be praised and prayed to, a God whose domains are War, Life, Nature, Trickery, and Twilight…

*Several minutes of stunned silence*

Silabar: Well, then. I suppose it would be terribly unbecoming of me to rampage.

Kane: Do it.

No, yeah, go nuts.

*Please stand by. Asylum reset in progress. Reason: Dragon.*

*Bats and Kane re-enter the reconstructed Riffcave from the spawn points. Silabar, somehow managing to look disheveled despite having shapeshifted back to human form after the rampage, sits cross-legged on the floor, expression blank.*

Silabar: He… became a god… an actual deity… by… overpaying for Bags of Holding… that he didn’t even need. An entire religion actually worships him for this.

Would you believe this is the second D&D fic I’ve riffed where the self-insert protagonist suddenly becomes a god in a late chapter?

Kane: Do not remind me.

Should I- should I put D&D Tag Along on the tag list? I mean, “tag” is right there in the name…

A God whose dogma would have it that everyone did everything straight and honest,

Kane: Or at least to regularly redefine the truth so as to bring it into line with one’s later statements.

but to never forget to show mercy and compassion to others.

Silabar: Except dragons, strangely enough.

A God whose symbol would be that of a large Black Star Sapphire

…

……

………

cut in the shape of a dragon’s scale.

Outside the shop, whilst this man is having his great revelation,

I… don’t really know about “great,” or… “revelation,” but he’s certainly having… something.

Durgaul gives Damos a look, “Did you really have to bring my father into this? This may end up causing problems later on!”

Silabar: It’s causing a problem now!

“Well I couldn’t just let him take advantage of you…!” Damos says.

Silabar: Apparently, you could!

“True… But still, don’t do that again, please? I feel like you’re betraying your father when you do that…” Durgaul says, shaking, “Plus, I don’t want a cult to form around me if I can help it… I don’t want competition with my father…”

Silabar: Then why are you letting his deification of you pass without comment? And your father isn’t a god either!

“Well, based on how you did back there, I don’t think you’ll have a choice…” Ember says, gently wrapping her arms around his left arm while holding his hand.

All this bullshit over one successful persuade check.

After this little instance, everyone goes about their business… Durgaul finds a clothing store, and speaks to the proprietor, who understands Durgaul’s plight about his garments attracting unwanted attention, and how more practical garments might be worth the price.

“Worth the price.” We’ve been over how utterly absurdly much money you have, right? A set of common clothes is priced at five silver pieces, not even a full gold. Traveler’s clothes, which is what he’s ultimately going to pick up, are 2gp. You recall the numbers we were throwing around up above, right? Yeah, dude, just buy whatever.

After some tryouts with Ana oooing and awing over everything,

Can you not infantilize your fantasy girlfriend?

they manage to settle on Durgaul going with the idea of him getting some well made travelers clothes made out of black leather, a black leather trench coat that falls down to his just above his toes, a black leather shirt, a pair of black leather pants, black leather boots, with a matching belt, as well as black leather fingerless gloves.

*Alarms blare*

*The DRD Edgelord Squad of Edgelords bursts into the riffing chamber dressed entirely in black leather made of a black, leathery substance, dual wielding various pistols and katanas which they carry in each hand.*

So that’s what happened to the Shadow Warriors.

Getting ten sets of these clothes, as well as a number of Noble Garments just in case Damos’s ploy ever backfires on them.

Why would that help?

After this he buys himself the supplies from a Dungeoneer’s pack, along with an extra ten Potions of Healing, just to be on the safeside.

And I have been nitpicking it, but I will choose this prosaic note to highlight the fact that we are still shopping.

They soon make their way towards the shop of Ormr Blodskalm,

Kane: Ah, yes, the unnervingly quick artificer who seems a far more likely candidate for a deity in the making than the wyrm.

revealing him to be a Sapphire Dragonborn

Of course he is.

who whistles as he does his work, but this is no ordinary shop, it’s a mix of a tinkerer’s laboratory, a smithy, and an enchanter’s shop. “Hello the-” The Dragonborn says, turning to the two of them, only to stop as he looks at Durgaul, “Well well well, look what the dragon dragged in!”

I don’t think he dragged anything in, unless they brought the carriage.

“Huh?” Durgaul asks.

“You’re one of Klauthiym’s brats, right?”

“Uh… Yes, sir?”

“Oh humble, huh?

Good, you just might survive out here!” The dragonborn then walks over to the counter, “So how may I help you?”

“Well I was looking to get these enchanted…” Durgaul says, bringing forth the garments he had been wearing previously, “I don’t know much in the way of enchanting but I was wondering if…”

“If I could turn these into armor or make them more durable for adventuring?” Ormr asks, to which Durgaul looks at him, surprised, “Don’t look so surprised kid, there are many Dead Ends like you roaming about these days, so it’s not hard to read you!”

Plus, it is, you know, an enchanting shop.

But, um, dare I say… I’m coming dangerously close to liking this guy? He’s gonna be evil, isn’t he?

“Dead Ends?” Durgaul asks.

“Wyrmlings who leave the nest before they are strong enough to defend themselves, either leaving on their own or being forced out by their parents or siblings. Such dragons are born different from the rest of their kin, having Weaker Breath Weapons, are generally physically stronger or weaker than their siblings, and have physical characteristics that are different from the rest of their kin.” Ormr says,

Never mind, he’s turning into yet another exposition bot. Trying to justify the author’s homebrew dragon stats, even though that defeats the point of “you can play a real dragon” because it establishes that you’re still distinct from the dragons.

examining the items, “What are you specifically looking for in an enchantment?”

“Simply an enchantment that will allow these items to repair themselves as I journey through the world with my friends!” Durgaul explains.

Kane: Why? Do you intend to wear them in combat?

“I see, so a Mending spell that is constantly being cast, that shouldn’t be too hard! Cost you about 600 silver in total… Anything Else?” The man asks, to which Durgaul thinks and looks at the mantle.

Clothes of Mending are a common item, which means they’re likely to cost 50-100gp, and as DM I’d rate it towards the high end of that for a custom job on fancy clothes. You’re not going to get a magic item for less than 25gp, and that only if it’s a basic potion or scroll.

“Is there a way to turn the mantle into a Cloak of Displacement?” Durgaul asks.

Kane: A displacer beast is a catlike creature capable of disguising itself while projecting an illusion of itself nearby. A Cloak of Displacement is made from its hide and mimics its power.

It gives attackers disadvantage (roll twice, take the lower number) on attack rolls against you, which is a bit less than the description sounds like it should do but is really good for a permanent effect.

“Easy! Though it will cost you a pretty penny, and if you throw in a little extra, you’ll still use the mantle’s properties, both it’s strengths and weaknesses, in your dragon form as well!”

Some forms of shapeshifting, like the Polymorph spell line, “meld” equipment into the new form, rendering the items themselves and any properties they may have unusable until the transformation is undone. Others, like a changeling’s shapeshifting, do not affect equipment at all; you’ll still be wearing and holding the same things. Dragons’ shapeshifting (available only to adult and ancient dragons, I discovered just now) lets them pick and choose which rule applies to any given item.

However, I can’t find any mechanical precedent for an item “melding” physically but its properties still being available. Which is… not necessarily a problem, I think it could potentially be a legitimate rule if it did exist. But it does seem a little suspect that you could, for example, get the benefits of a Cloak of Displacement and then also make it impossible to remove just by shapeshifting. Even that’s not so bad because player characters normally have limited ability to shapeshift, except Durrgaul can do it at will. It’s a fairly specific situation when someone would try to take a magic item away from you anyway, so… I still don’t think it’s the most broken thing the author’s come up with by a long shot.

I’d still expect it to be pretty damn expensive, though.

“And the Amulet… Could you turn it into a Necklace of Adaptation?”

Lets you breathe normally in any environment. Redundant for a shapeshifter. Looks a bit like Death Kermit’s “collar.”

“Anything Else?” The Artificer asks, smiling

Pack Up Your Troubles in Your Old Kit-Bag count: 96

“Just one more thing… Do you have any Eyes of the Eagle?”

“I have one set, why?”

I can see that he does not.

Silabar: Wh-

Kane: Do not ask.

Silabar: I am curious. Why?

Because

*Kane sighs*

Anyway, Eyes of the Eagle give you advantage on perception checks (assuming they rely on sight). That’s a solid benefit for a relatively low-level item but not too unreasonable.

“Well I never told anyone this, but the reason why I usually stick so close to our opponents is because…” He blushes in embarrassment, “I’m near-sighted… If I don’t get up close to my opponents, then I will more than likely miss…”

… Then it’s a good thing you’re a melee fighter???

“Is that why you were only able to hit three of those Abyssal Chickens when we first met?”

Oh my god, are we still rehashing the chicken fight?!

“Yes… I overestimated the range of my blast and only got three out of those ten bastards… and I nearly died because of it…” Durgaul says, blushing with embarrassment.

And good news: Eyes of the Eagle will not help with this in the slightest. As an area-of-effect attack, you don’t roll to hit, the enemy rolls to dodge against a static difficulty number. The difficulty is based on your Constitution, which is ludicrously high, so what you need to do is use the weapon on unluckier and/or lower-Dexterity enemies. None of which I would gripe about, since there’s some narrative logic to “My aim seems bad, maybe I need glasses,” but for first the author’s obsessive dedication to making all game mechanics diegetic and second the choice to use a very specific magic item rather than… glasses.

“I see, I think I can attune them to you if you want me to, and I’ll even waive the additional melding enchantment fee as well!” He then does some calculations, “That will be… About 1000 Gold!”

For all of that?! The Clothes of Mending and Eyes of the Eagle might fit into that price, but certainly not the Cloak of Displacement.

“Deal!” Durgaul says, to which the man says, telling him he’ll have them ready in a few hours.

By which he means thirteen weeks, ten of those for the cloak.

Meanwhile, Nevermore does all the shopping for the group, buying his group each the Supplies for a Dungeoneer’s Pack, and as well as a couple of healing potions for each person, but as he does so, he overhears something in passing, something about Kurast, and something that dwells within there. What he manages to hear causes his blood to chill… A story… and a name… That is when his eyes look up and see Damos listening in on, but more intently… It is a bard telling a terrifying tale, but this tale brings Damos to, silently, shed tears of joy…

Kane: Doubtful. No good comes of bards making noise.

Silabar: You don’t like anything, do you?

Kane: You are just now noticing?

Hello Friends, stay a while and listen,

No thanks.

*Bats gets up and attempts to leave.*

*The door, as ever, is locked.*

for today I tell you of the Downfall of the City of Kurast, a once shining Utopia here in Moldova, but long since destroyed by powers of the Blood War that raged there…!

It is a tale of Arbitrary Capitalization.

Thousands of years ago, the Blood War nearly spilled upon the Material Plane, demons and devils fighting one another fiercely as the Evils attempted to take this world. However, the Powers both above and below saw things as they were and sought to give aid to the peoples of the world. The Gods of Mount Celestia and the Lords of the Nine created a pact, in which, should the Blood War spill upon the Material Plane, Four Champions would ride out upon mighty steeds to set things right…

Silabar: Why in the Nine Hells would the- um, the Nine Hells make this bargain? Agreeing to deny themselves the conquest of the Material Plane undercuts their entire policy.

It was one Archdevil who offered his own children, quadruplets who were now fully grown Tieflings who sought glory and honor in the name of their father…

Still not how tieflings work.

These Tieflings, who swore a sacred oath to protect the Material Realm with fire, brimstone, and fear, and thus were granted divine power by the Gods, whilst being promoted to the Rank of Pit Fiends, granted the power of such creatures, but as they were still living, their Pit Fiend forms became unique, and thus Asmodeus would declare that every Pit Fiend who was forged from the Soul of a Tiefling would gain a unique form, whilst others, whose souls were not of Infernal Descent, would take a standardized form.

Who gives a shit?

These Four Horsemen mounted the backs of great and powerful Nightmares, only larger and more powerful than the rest of their kin.

Don’t recall if I’ve mentioned them before, but Nightmares are fiend-horses. See, because they’re- oh, forget it.

These Four Horsmen were given titles that exemplified their powers, and when these horsemen rode, they were tasked with killing any and all fiends to force them back into the proper battlefield, and the fear they delivered upon their foes was no ordinary fear… For even those who could resist or were immune to Fear were caught off guard by how it overpowered their senses and forced them to flee back into the Battleground of the Lower Planes.

Spoopy. And still predicated on a baffling failure to grasp the concept that literal devils are not good guys.

When their task was done, they were tasked with patrolling the regions of the Carpathian Mountains, where the Portals to both the Abyss and the Hells opened, and were tasked with finding and destroying these portals.

They should start with the one that spat out the Stu.

However, each of these Riders met a terrible fate, but here, in Moldova, one is known for it is the center of our story.

Yes, but has anyone really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like?

For I am here to tell you about the smartest and most cunning but also the weakest of the Four Riders, for he is a Rider who fights with magic and skill, not brute force and power… He is a Rider who built his home in the city of Kurast, establishing the Order of Zakarum to defend against Abyssal and Infernal threats, all the while forwarding his own ambitions as a powerful Necromancer… I speak of the Rider of the Pale Horse, the Rider of Death and Undeath, the Lord of Hatred, and Eldest Son of the Archdevil Bel…! Dul’Mephistos!

Sounds like a swell guy.

Kane: I hate necromancers.

Silabar: We’ve been over this; you hate everything!

Kane: We have also been over the fact that I hate necromancers more.

You know, that gives me an idea, but since this puts the chapter out of our misery, we’ll have to see about that next time.

Kane: If you are thinking what I suspect you are thinking, I will kill you.

You kill me all the time anyw-

*Eldritch Blast’d*

Pack Up Your Troubles in Your Old Kit-Bag count: 96