0343: My Inner Life – Chapter 16

Title: My Inner Life
Author: Link’s Queen
Media: Video game
Topic: The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time
Genre: Nonsense
Critiqued by: BatJamags; Delta XIII; Linstar; MisterShoebox; Ben the Destroyer; Yuki, la poetèsse de neige 

EDITING NOTE: This was meant to go up a little over twenty-four hours ago, but I somehow scheduled it for the complete wrong day and time? Uh, anyway, it exists now.

Bats: Hello, wardens and lunatics! This is going to be a short one, since the previous and next chunks work out better this way. I’m sure you’re all disappointed.

Delta:

Ls: This sounds… promising?

Shoe: At least it’s short. Yaaaaay.

Benji: I don’t have an excuse when I fall asleep again. 

*Alarms blare early*

Bats: I- what? What happened?! We haven’t even started the fi-

*The DRD arrives early, before they normally would, preemptively breaking into the riffing chamber before they have cause to and capturing a worm, which they take.*

Bats: I, um, that was… certainly something that just happened.

Ls: I’m not sure why, though.

Bats: Uh, anyway, let’s move on…

Down the Road

Bats: … shall we?

0339: My Inner Life – Chapters 13-15

Title: My Inner Life
Author: Link’s Queen
Media: Video game
Topic: The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time
Genre: Nonsense
Critiqued by: BatJamags; Linstar; MisterShoebox; Delta XIII; Ben the Destroyer; Em Kay; Yuki, la poetèsse de neige

Bats: Hello, wardens and lunatics!

Ls: Hell. O.

Bats: Unnecessary O; recommend deleting. … Wait, this isn’t the Google Docs comments, is it?

Ls: No, but it is Hell.

Bats: That would explain all the paints; should’ve brought a smock.

Ls: Hell is Satan’s art studio. 

Ls: …I’m sure someone else has said that before. 

Shoe: Hi, Bats! I just want you to know that I’m happy to be here and I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW.

Bats: That’s what I’m here for.

Delta: I’ve returned, and I’m going to make it everyone else’s problem.

Ls: Great.

Benji: I somehow dropped off to sleep in the last riff. Did I miss anything? 

Ls: Not anything of worth, to be sure.

Bats: If we’re all together, I think it’s time for…

The Separation

Yuki: Yay.

Bats: Bye, everybody.

Delta: Parting is such sweet sorrow…

*Ls begins to weep at the emotional departure.*

0334: My Inner Life – Chapters 6-12

Title: My Inner Life
Author: Link’s Queen
Media: Video game
Topic: The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time
Genre: Nonsense
Critiqued by: BatJamags; Linstar; Yuki, la poetesse de neige; Delta XIII; MisterShoebox; Ben the Destroyer

WARNING: This is the one where they drink each other’s pee. … Yeah.

*Ls bangs loudly on the door of the riffing room.*

Ls: LET ME OUT! LET ME OUT!

*Delta slumps in his chair, rapidly downing bottles of Vodka Mudshakes*

Delta: There’s no point. We are, unfortunately, in this for the long haul.

Bats: Hello, wardens and lunatics!

Shoe: *Cheerfully*. Fuuuuuck you! :D!

Yuki: Why are we still here just to suffer?

Bats: Because I’ve read this fic multiple times and I don’t want to suffer alone!

Benji: When do I admit to once drinking my own urine?

Ls: Never?

0312: Harry, Hermoine, and Ron’s fifth year at Hogwarts!

Title: Harry, Hermoine, and Ron’s fifth year at Hogwarts!

Author: HermoineAndraiaWeasley

Topic: Harry Potter

Media: Literature

Genre: None given

URL: Harry, Hermoine, and Ron’s fifth year at Hogwarts!

Critiqued by: Em Kay

Greetings and salutations, Wardens and lunatics. I’m Em Kay and this is not Rose in Spira. To celebrate that fact, we’re going to riff some pure, unadulterated nonsense. That’s right, it’s yet another HermioneAndraiaWeasley fic.

*Em blows a party horn*

Let’s get right to the summary, shall we?

Please Read I and not a very good story teller but if you read it and give it reviwes I’ll make the next one!

All the insanity we’ve come to expect from this author.

I’ll just open up the fic itself and we can get- 

Harry and his friends fifth year

at Hogwarts!!!!

*Em is blasted out of her chair and inexplicably tossed to the right by the gigantic font size and odd formatting of the fic.*

HOLY HAND GRENADE OF ANTIOCH!

*Em slowly climbs back into her chair.*

So, WordPress spares the readers the worst of the formatting… peculiarities, but just take my word for it that it’s bad.

0260: 16 year old superheroes + two (the final chapter!) and Winny teh poo (Oneshot)

Title: 16 year old superheroes + two

Author: stanleyMay

Topic: Batman, Super Sons, Gravity Falls, Danny Phantom, Miraculous Ladybug

Media: Comics/TV Show

Genre: N/A, this is AO3

Critiqued by: Linstar and Batjamags

Ls: Welcome back to Bats’ and my coriff. Today, we’ll finally end this mess of a chatfic, and cover a oneshot trollfic. Both are short, so let’s get into it!

Chapter 7: Oldest Problems

The biggest Trio

Ls: Huh? Who is this?

*Bruces Phone*
Greek- Diana
S(Hope) – Clark

Ls: Even I know who those three are. Not sure why Wonder Woman is “Greek” or why Superman is “Shope”.

0251: 16 year old supermorons + two: Chapters Two and Three

Title: 16 year old superheroes + two

Author: stanleyMay

Topic: Batman, Super Sons, Gravity Falls, Danny Phantom, Miraculous Ladybug

Media: Comics/TV Show

Genre: N/A, this is AO3

Critiqued by: Linstar and Batjamags

Ls: Welcome back, y’all, to 16 year old superheroes +2. Man, that is an awful title.

Bats: We have more opportunities for me to infodump actual DC stuff in this part, so hopefully I can make a bit more sense of… some of this. Maybe. Kind of. Or at least have pre-written infodumps to cite next time I’m doing DC fics?

Bats: Also, Ls did pictures for the characters he introduced last time, but I didn’t, so:

Bats: Damian and Jon, respectively.

Bats: Mara, in the process of making me kind of like her. I mean, she beat up Damian, she beat up Starfire, she beat up Beast B- Hey, wait a minute, you leave Raven alone! And- and Wallace, I guess. I don’t really know anything about him.

Bats: Colin Wilkes…

Bats: … And Colin again in his Hulked-out form.

Bats: I can’t help you with Parthian Guy.

Ls: Eh, oh well.

0246: 16 year old superheroes + two: Chapters One and Two – Ls and Bats coriff

Title: 16 year old superheroes + two

Author: stanleyMay

Topic: Batman, Super Sons, Gravity Falls, Danny Phantom, Miraculous Ladybug

Media: Comics/TV Show

Genre: N/A, this is AO3

Critiqued by: Linstar and Batjamags

Ls: Welcome back, you poor unfortunate souls, to the Asylum. I’m Linstar, and with me today is Batjamags!

Bats: Welcome!

Ls: Today we’ll be covering a fic that features characters from Miraculous Ladybug, Gravity Falls, Danny Phantom, Super Sons, and Batman in general. I am familiar with the first two fandoms, and Bats… is Bats, so hopefully we should be familiar with most of the characters.

*Bats pumps a shotgun*

Bats: I’m familiar with one or two of them, yes.

Ls: Just one quick piece of background information: this particular fic is a chatfic, which means it’s just characters texting. In this case, it’s in some weird megacrossover group chat.

Ls: Yeeeeah.

Bats: Let’s look at the summary, uh, not that it’s… helpful.

Summary:

Insect:[Picture of destroyed Paris]

Ls: I hate it.

Bats: And here I was told that we’d always have Paris.

Insect: don’t worry darling I’ll choke you later

Ls: Aaaaaagh what?

Bats: Going off the deep end quickly, I see.

0235: Em’s Christmas Oneshot-palooza

Title: Spyros Christmas

Author: desert-rose90

Topic: Spyro

Media:Video Game

Genre: Adventure/Romance

URL: Spyros Christmas

Critiqued by: Em Kay

*The door to the office opens and Em enters with bits of wrapping paper and ribbon clinging to her and an odd crunching noise every other time she takes a step.*

Oh, hang on.

*Em lifts one foot and removes a piece of paper stuck to the sole of her shoe.*

Sorry, I just had to extricate myself from a wrap-o-lanche. But it’s okay, we even found most of the minions already.

Anyway, greetings and salutations, Wardens and lunatics. I’m Em Kay, your snarker for the day, and have I got a treat for you.

*Em sits at the desk and, after picking off a few stray pieces of wrapping paper from her sleeve, opens a drawer and pulls out a laptop covered in various holiday themed stickers.*

That’s right! We’re getting festive.

*Em pulls a particularly stubborn piece of wrapping paper from her hair.* Yeouch! Man, I hate people who wrap with packing tape.

0128: 4th of July Safety Tips – Oneshot

Title: 4^th of July Safety Tips

Author: Barry Bubblestein

Topic: Wreck-It-Ralph

Media: Film

Genre: Humor, Parody

URL: 4th of July Safety Tips

Critiqued by: Em Kay

Attention Wardens and lunatics!

Nominations are now open for the Asylum’s upcoming awards! If you would like to nominate this or any other fic in the Asylum for Most Glaring Sue/Stu, Most Insane Moment, or any other category you can think up, let us know in the comments. And keep an eye out in October when we will open the voting to the public!

Greetings and salutations, Wardens and lunatics. I’m Em Kay, your snarker for the day, and today we’re taking a break from The Sue-ening.

*Em pulls out a laptop covered in stickers of various holiday symbols.*

That’s right, it’s time for another festive crack fic holiday fic. Please hold your boos until the end.

Summer in the US means fireworks, especially the closer it gets to Independence Day. So, in honor of my neighbor’s insistence on shooting the damn things off until 11pm every single night since June first, today’s fic is called 4^th of July Safety Tips. Because if there’s anything a drunk redneck yelling “THAT’S how we do this shit!” over and over again knows about, it’s safety.

This fic hails from the Wreck-It-Ralph section of ff.net, so let’s get a little infodumping out of the way first.

0107: Banished: a story of Darton Valley – Oneshot

Title: Banished: a story of Darton Valley

Author: josh1996.jl

Topic: Banished (Video Game)

Media: Video Game

Genre: Family/Adventure

URL: Banished: a story of Darton Valley

Critiqued By: Em Kay

Greetings and salutations, Wardens and lunatics. I’m Em Kay, back with another oneshot before we jump headlong into The Project. Yes, I’m stalling a bit, but I’m not quite ready for another long one yet.

This one is relatively short, so let’s go ahead and check out the summary for Banished: a story of Darton Valley.

The story of one girl, her family, and her rise to power over the New World. Be advised that this is rated M, due to hardship, language, and violence. It is based on the game Banished, you can buy it on Steam.

As you can see, this one brings another new topic to the Asylum; Banished. I’m not sure why it doubles as an ad for the game, but whatever.

Banished is a city-building real-time strategy game released way back in 2014. The game starts with a dozen or so people in the wilderness with limited supplies, depending on the difficulty level, and the object is to harvest and trade resources to build and grow your community. It’s similar to games like SimCity or Age of Empires, but the biggest difference is that the game actively tries to murder your people with exposure, disease, starvation, accidents, old age, and (if you have them turned on) disasters. It can be both incredibly frustrating and addicting.

There are no characters for you to control directly or even advisors for you to interact with, which made finding a fanfic for it pretty surprising. In fact, it’s the only fic in this category on ff.net. I am intrigued by the M rating due to “hardship”. What does that even mean?

I guess there’s only one way to find out.