0294: legolas by laura (oneshot)

Title: legolas by laura

Author: laura

Media: Film? I think?

Topic: Lord of the Rings

Genre: Adventure/Fantasy (I think)

URL: https://web.archive.org/web/20120615115007/http://www.freewebs.com/me_gaya/legolas.html

Critiqued by Linstar.

Hi, hello, and greetings. Today, the fic being covered is legolas by laura, one of the most well-known badfics ever. It’s pretty hilarious on its own, and most of my commentary will just be links pointing out funny malapropisms. I know Yuki has riffed it before on Das Sporking, go check that out. Also, it mentions sexual assault, albeit in the least graphic way possible.

With that, let’s begin!

Legolas was riding along the woods and one day he found a baby whaped 

Huh, I’m not sure what was meant here. See, this could be a messed-up form of “awhape”, which means “to confound or terrify”. 

“Whape” is also a name, apparently.

And according to Urban dictionary, it also means “whale rape,” …yeah, so that’s not something I ever want to think about ever again.

in colth so he got off his horse and went to the baby and then Legolas said”who left you here little one”and then the baby just cryed 

Wow, genius, expecting a baby to understand what you’re saying. How intelligent.

and then Legolas pick her up and hold her and then the baby stoped crying 

Odd. I don’t know how one mines crying, but that’s what the Sue’s doing!

and then Legolas said”your name is going be Laura”

Because canon forbid you get a name that makes sense for LOTR.

and then Legolas and the baby went onto the horse and went back to the castle 

You know, castle. That castle.

where he lived.Legolas said”father mother I found this little baby in the woods 

As you do.

and then Legolas mother got up and walked down and said”how can people put baby in the woodsand to die”.

Ow.

Then Legolas father said”we are going to keep her”

Dang, that was quick.

and then Legolas was happy for someriseing.

Was he sad for somefalling too?

10 Years Later

Legolas got up and went into Laura’s room and said”good moring”

Wiktionary seems to think it’s a word!

and then Laura said “good moring too”.Then Legolas said”whats a matter”

A substance with space and volume, but that’s not important right now.

and then Laura said”Legolas I want to know how to ride a horse”.

Dude, you’re like ten. Just stay on your miniature pony!

Then Legolas said”Ok”

Great, Ok?

and then Legolas said”first you get dresses and have something to eat and then we will go for a horse ride lesson”.

You’re making Laura go horseback riding in a dress? I mean, it’s doable, but not exactly a good idea for a first-time horsewoman.

Unless you just want her to go shopping and then ride, which seems a little odd, but okay.

Mean while Strider and Gandalf was rideing towards where Legolas lived 

You know, that place.

and then Strider said”Gandalf I did not know Legolas had a sister”and then Gandalf said”I did not know aswell”.

*blinks*

…and you still don’t know that.

I guess Aragorn is telepathic now? Or omniscient? 

I would ask what the point of this was, but this is legolas by laura. There is no point.

Mean While at Mondor 

The tights company, of course, which makes you unkind.

the dark lord was planing to kidnap the princess but not Legolas.

I guess Voldy/Sauron/Melkor/whoever this is just doesn’t like kidnapping elves in planes; he only uses trains for that.

Then the boss of the Orcs 

That’s definitely the correct term.

came and said”I’ll get her for you sir”and then the Dark lord said”yes you can”.

Mean while Legolas and Laura was horseriding 

Oh they was, was they?

and then Laura said”Legolas whos that”and then Legolas looked and it was Gandalf and said”that is Gandalf and Strdier”

Ah! Strdrttsrsetier, where’s you come from?

and then Strider said”Legolas”and then Legolas said”Strider long time seen” 

I guess Srtdrttsrdtsrtdideeer was there the whole time.

and then Strider said”hows you”and then Legolas said”I am fine”

At least he wasn’t fined.

and then Gandalf said”whos this then”and then Legolas said”meet Laura I found her in the woods when she was just a baby”.

Normal way to introduce someone.

Laura was shy at first and then Legolas said”Laura come and meet Strider and Gandalf”and then Laura said”hello I am Laura”.Legolas said”she is the princess”

HOW? You found her in the woods!

and then Strider said”she is so cute”and then Legolas said”that will be my falut”

Legolas owns an Indian mountain, I guess.

and then Gandalf said”why”and then Laura said”he protects me thats why”

This just in: protection = cuteness.

and then Legolas looked up and said”I think we should go back to the castle”and then Laura said”I can feel it too”.

Is Pennywise wandering around? What is there to feel?

Legolas said”do you want to stay for a night”

and then Gandalf and Strider said”yes please”and then they had tea 

How posh.

and went to to bed.During the night Legolas 

Day Legolas could never.

ask the gards 

Take that, genetic and rare diseases!

to keep an eye on Laura’s room.Mean while the Orcs climed up the window 

I do love using a climate to get up a window.

and grabed Laura and then Laura woke up and screamed and then the gard went into her room and saw lots of Orcs 

Well, yeah. I would expect that, given that they just broke in via a climate.

and then Legolas ran down the hall.Then Legolas said”where is Laura”and then the gards said”the Orcs took her”.

Wow, those are some useless gards.

Mean while the Orcs was back at Mondor 

Oh they was, was they?

and then Laura said”put me down”and then the Orcs did 

Obey the Sue!

and then the Dark lord came out of the fire and said”welcome Laura”

and then Laura looked at him and said”no it can’t be”

…what can’t be?

and then she tryed to run away but the Orcs got her.Then the Dark lord said”put her into the cell and bet her 

Hmm. I’ll put 500 bags of chips on her distoying them the bad guys.

and also do what ever you want with her but do not kill her”.Then the Orcs took her to the cell and trow her into the cell 

I too think, believe, and trust in cells.

and then they shut the door.Laura go up and went to the window and looked out and she was wishing that Legolas or someone will save while back at the castle of Milkwood Legolas 

I knew he was into obscure rock bands from the sixties!

was getting the army ready to go and save Laura.Mean while Laura was sitting on the floor and then the door opened and it was some Orcs 

Those Orcs. They seem to get everywhere.

and the Orcs tied Laura with some chains and then one of the Orcs striped her 

Ooh, did he beat her.

and then he raped her and then Laura said”go away you b*stard”.Then another Orc came with a whip and whiped her hard 

I hate this section.

and then the Orcs all togeter bet her almost to death 

600 bags of chips on her surviving anyway!

and then the Dark Lord came in with a tube of Posion and then he injeted into Laura.

Oh, no! Not Posion! I hope we can prevent it in the home!

Few hours later

Legolas and the others was on the way to Mondor to save princess Laura.

Oh, I assumed they were they to torture her more.

Mean while in the cell where Laura was been kept Laura woke up and she looked on her body there was blood and scars 

There’s been no time for your body to form scars; this rather implies that Legolas was abusive.

she only could move her right arm but not her left.

Oh. So she can only move a detached right arm that exists independent if her body.

Then Laura said”I feel so cold”and then she can’t see very well.

Even though sight has nothing to do with her other injuries?

At the frount gates of Mondor was Legolas and the others and then they said”let Laura go”and then the Dark lord said”no”

and then Legolas said”right lisson 

I, too, love art galleries.

I’ll will clim 

I do love me some fun dialectal variation.

up to the cell and get Laura 

How do you know where she is being held?

and you and the others will find another way 

in. Then Strider said”alright” 

Wait, is this still Legolas narrating?

and then Legolas started to clim up. Mean while Strider and the others ran into Mondor and went into the castle.

I’d like to think that there are just two castles, floating in the Formless Void.

Gandalf said”I’ll will go and kill the Dark lord 

Oh. Well, that sounds simple.

and you and the others go and help Legolas”.Strdier said”becareful”and then Gandalf said”I will don’t you worry about me”.

Or maybe:

Mean while Legolas got to the cell where Laura is.Legolas said”Laura are you in there”

Come on Legolas, read the only description the cell has. Of course she’s in there!

and then Laura said”Oh Legolas you finally came”

Just in time for you to lose your mind!

and then Legolas said”are you alright”and then Laura said”no I am not alright”

She really isn’t.

and then Legolas said”they bet you up and raped you also the Dark lord gave you the posion”

Oh. Well, I guess Legolas is omniscient now.

and then Laura said”how did you know that”.

Good question.

Then Legolas said”when I was your age they did the samething to me”.

Well, that’s both moronic and horrifying!

Then Laura said”can you get me out of here”and then Legolas said”ok stand back”and then he ran back and ran towards the door and knock it down.

Effective.

Laura said”wow”and then Legolas looked and saw she was coved in Blood and scars 

This fic definitely understands those concepts.

also she was naked”

Wait, did Strsritriitrer finally stop talking?

and then Legolas said”why they did it to you not me”

I thought they did do it to you!

and then the Orcs came and said”because she got a power and she can distoy us all the bad guys”.

Oh. Well, that explains it. 

(Laura never uses this power.)

Then the fright began

Ahh! The fright!

Legolas got out his bow and arrows andstarted fireing at them. Then Legolas saw some swords and said”Strider is that you”

*squints*

Yeah, over… there. In the Formless Void,

and then Strider said”yes it is”

Glad we clarified?

and then Legolas and the others started to kill the Orcs.

So now there’s just rampant murder. Okay.

Mean while Gandalf is have a fun time trying to distory the Dark lord 

I love the idea of giving historical roasts to Sauron. A fun time indeed.

Gandalf said”I wish Frodo and Merry and Pippen and Sam was here”

Don’t we all?

and then a sword came out of nowhere 

As they do.

and said”some wished us here”

Yeah, I did wish for a random magic sword that uses the royal we. Didn’t you?

and then Gandalf turned and said”Frodo baggins why you doing here”.

…wait, Frodo is doing something here?

Then Frodo said”we came to help you and also we got rid of the ring”

Wow, that’s convenient!

and then the Dark Lord said”oh no”

Dang, man. That really sucks.

and then the magical powers from Gandalf distoryed the Dark lord.

Huh. Maybe he had help from Laura somehow? *shrugs* Either way, a fun time.

Mean while Legolas and Strider and the others was helping Laura down and Strider took off his cape and put it around Laura.

How gallant.

FEW HOURS LATER

Legolas and the others are on the way back to the castle.

Ah, yes, glorious unnamed castle, I love you so.

Legolas said“we must go to Rivendell to get Laura better”.

Is Rivendell a hospital?

Then Gandalf said”I think you are right”

and then they turned around and went to Rivendell.Legolas looked down on Laura 

*sniffs* Ugh, Laura.

and put his hand onto Laura’s head and she was bruning up

I hate it when I randomly turn into a Germanic surname.

Strider went aside of Legolas horse and looked and said”she is getting wose”

She is most certainly slime.

and then Legolas said”I know”.

Of course you know!

FEW HOURS LATER

They were at Rivendell and Legolas stayed at Laura’s side everyday intill she wakes up 

Every day, (a) few hours later? That makes sense.

and then Legolas kissed Laura on her lips 

Is he Prince Florian now?

and then she moved her arms around Legolas and then Legolas said”all you alright”and then Laura said”yes I am”.

Debatable.

Legolas said”I am soo happy”

Good for you!

and then Laura said”Do you want to be my boyfriend”and then Legolas said”yes I will be your boyfriend”

Even though she’s ten and he’s …uh …somewhat older. 

Not a fan of that, honestly.

and then Laura and Legolas kissed again. 

Please stop; Frollo and DaniSue are bad enough.

Laura said”what happened to me Legolas”and then Legolas said”you got kidnaped by the Orcs and they raped you and also bet you almost to death and then the Dark lord gave you some posion”

Yeah, this is the third time we’ve established this, can we move on?

and then Laura said”why I can only move on arm”

Because you have no leg?

and then Legolas said”your left arm is broken”.

Well, that’s consistent with what was said earlier, since she could only use her right arm.

Then the door opened and it was Strider and then Laura said”Hello Strider”

*Ls waves* Hello, Strdideireirdirtrtier!

and then Strider said”I see you are awake”

Well, yeah. She got Snow White’d back to health.

and then Laura

–’s story ended, having been one of the best badfics ever. I love this fic; and give it a 9/10. It’s a classic for a reason, and its unique antiplot and funny typos are just endearing. I’m not a fan of the trivialization, though. I love this fic so much, and it holds a special place in my heart, near to that of My Immortal. It honestly reminds me of Kelly the Roman Warrior, which it may have inspired. Thanks for joining me on this journey, folks, and I’ll see you next week!

Also, check out the movie:

Bye!