0262: Valentines challange (oneshot)

Title: Valentines challange

Author: Sirianna123

Media: TV Show

Topic: Gravity Falls

Genre: Romance

Hi, hello, and welcome back to the Asylum. I’m Linstar, and today I have a (relatively) short romance-themed fic set in the Gravity Falls canon, which I’ve covered previously. This particular fic is, I suspect, written by a non-native English speaker. While I don’t want to insult the author for that, it does make this particular fic rather…. incomprehensible. Be prepared.

Chapter 1: Love Letters

Valentines Week!

A typo already (aside from the title). Lovely.

---

Midnight was slowly nearing in a sleepy town of Gravity Falls, Oregon.

Not the sleepy town of Gravity Falls, just a sleepy town of Gravity Falls. In that other Gravity Falls over there in Texas, it’s actually noon.

Mabel was done writing and decorating her card for Pacifica 

*headdesk*

Mabel and Pacifica hate each other. They have several episodes where they compete, and even though Pacifica does become a better person as the series progresses, she never has anything for Mabel. Aaagh.

and decided that it’s time to go to bed. Walking past the living room she heard annoyed grumbling. 

*Ls has suddenly always been in a living room.*

Sighing she decided that it’s time for the Love God to act.

*sighing* This is a canon character. He shows up for all of one episode, and he heavily dislikes Mabel. There is no reason that he would be at Mabel’s beck and call.

Walking in she was meet with picture of tan man around her age, his golden hair, usually neatly combed up was now messed up. He was surrounded by crumbled pieces of paper.

*spittake*

Why is the Love God a random photograph instead of an overweight adult man?

“Bill?” she asked carefully to not scare him, he could be really jumpy.

*headdesk*

Why is Bill here? And why is he human? And the Love God? And Mabel’s age?

The Pen of Italicization is not amused!

“Yes, Shooting Star?” Demon asked, she noticed that he was doing his best to stay calm and to not sound as annoyed as he was.

*blinks*

Why is Bill now named “Demon”?

“What are you doing~?” 

Frankly, no clue. This fic is baffling.

the girl asked wiggling her eyebrows. She knew what it was, but wanted to hear it from him.

I don’t like where this is going.

“Nothing You can help me with.” Bill retorted, he just wanted to bone with it 

…what does that mean?

and to go to sleep and cuddle with his boyfriend.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Stop. Shipping. Bill!

Wait, is You the Reader Bill’s boyfriend? You, please tell me you’re not having sex with a triangular dream demon.

“Pffff. No one knows as much about love and my brother as I do.” Mabel cheered, 

Except for the Love God, who you mentioned literally a paragraph or two ago.

Bill wondered how she could be so lively at this time. Had to be her sugar rich diet. 

“You’re trying to write a letter to him? Just be honest. He’s not a type to pay attention to details.” She explained.

So, wait, wait. Mabel summoned Bill-as-a-picture (who is the Love God? Maybe?) so she could discuss Bill’s love life? And Bill is writing a letter for some reason? And something about sugar?

Bill huffed hearing it. Be hones? 

Why not be hones? I love hones. Hones are the best!

Sighing he just told Mabel to go to sleep. She did it but just before closing the door she took one last look at the demon. Bill was furiously writing again, this time with less grumbling. Deeming her work done Mabel continued her walk to her room.

Con… grats on that? You accomplished so much?

On her way she walked past stairs leading to the attic where Bill and Dipper were sleeping. 

That is a terrible ship.

Light was shining under closed door. She smiled but didn’t visit him. Dipper knew what to do.

That makes one of us.

Valentines were simply her favourite day.

That is not how you grammar.

---

I hope you liked it, comments/reviews are appreciated.

I did not like it, the grammar was bad, and your ships are terrible.

Chapter 2: Roses are Red

Roses are Red…

*The red DRD redly reds into Ls’ red room, redly giving him red roses of red redness. He rosily shoos them out as they rose their red out of the red room.*

One day, Dipper was practising his magic 

*facepalm*

Dipper does not have magic.

Can this fic go a single paragraph without saying something incredibly dumb?

as Bill lazily lounged on a bench on Mystery Shacks porch. 

*the Mystery Shack’s

Even if he was usually throwing sneaky remarks and complains, 

Relatable. This fic sucks.

today the Blue Dorrito was surprisingly silent.

Are you trying to refer to Bill? He’s triangular, sure, but he’s yellow.

Also, I thought he was a human now? Are we just not doing that now?

Why was Bill bored?

Because this fic is boring?

Well, watching Gleeful twins

*frowns*

Gideon Gleeful is a canon character, but he’s an only child.

 could provide only as much entertainment. Yawning he looked at Dipper.

‘He’s quite talented for his age, and nice looking. For a meat bag anyway.’ 

Where is Gideon? Why does he have a twin? Is this on TV? 

That does sound like Bill, at least the last part.

Bill decided yawning widely. All this lazing around bored him.

He’s not the only one.

“Aren’t you done yet, Master? I’m tired just from looking at you.” Demon complained, mischievous plan slowly forming in his mind.

Wait, wait. Is Demon separate from Bill? Does Bill, who is a demon, have a pet demon named Demon?

After another yawn, a smirk formed on his lips. 

Motile smirks, yaay.

It was going to be so fun. 

Lies.

Barely keeping a laugh in Bill stood up, stretched and walked to Dipper.

Uh… huh. 

Even with his enormous talent he had a lot to learn, like energy channelling. 

Not a thing, fic.

How he hadn’t blown up yet was beyond Bill, but he was happy it didn’t happen. 

Uh, me too. Dipper exploding would be bad.

Who would be his little plaything, I mean master?

Those are two very different things.

“You’re doing it wrong.” Bill said “Here, let me show you.” he said standing right behind the teen. With just a flick of a finger and a little bit of magic bouquet of roses and violets appeared in his arms. 

So, wait, is Dipper practicing stage magic?

“See?” Bill smiled turning brunette around.

Do English, please.

Dipper laughed dryly and tried to make some distance between himself and Bill. He already noticed the mood demon was in – annoying flirt. 

Yes, annoying indeed.

He was fully aware that the demon picked his human appearance right from his mind. 

This is Dipper thinking, right?

“Let me go.” he ordered.

“It’s too troublesome.” Bill muttered making flowers float, no longer neatly tied with dark blue ribbon. 

Which we already established, of course.

“But we might made a deal, one kiss and I won’t bother you till Sunday.” he proposed.

I see we once again have Bill being a pervert. Why oh why must all these fics do this?

“No way!” Dipper shouted his magic filling the air and mixing with Bills. It made demon ecstatic, he loved that feeling.

Who is “Demon”? Pen of Italicization is not amused!

“Yes, you wouldn’t last a day without me pestering you.” Bill muttered hugging him closer. 

Creep-y.

“you like it too much.” he continued, his nose nuzzled in Gleefuls neck. 

*blinks*

Is this Dipper or is it Gideon?

*shakes fic*

At least keep your characters’ names consistent!

“Far too much.” he added and kissed him. After this he just smiled and returned to his bench.

I… who? Which he did what?

Chapter 3: Crystal Falls

Crystal Falls

*The crystal DRD crystalizes the crystal riffing room, crystalling the crystals. The falling DRD falls down in a downwards direction.*

It was bad. Bill knew it, Dipper knew it. 

Glad we all understand the type of fic we’re dealing with.

‘Former’ Diamond gritted his teeth. “Stupid bird.” 

DOF Agent Trilby: No, no, that’s not for a few weeks that we’ll cover Duolingo.

Who’s “Diamond”? And why is he ‘former’?

he muttered. Did it really have to eat that human girl? 

*blinks*

Uh, probably not? Why would this sudden cannibalism be compulsory?

“Pine Tree.” he said calmly to his one last follower who deeply hated him, but a little less than corrupted system their race usually followed.

I went into this fic thinking it would be some weird shipfic that was otherwise bland and boring. It is definitely a weird shipfic, but not exactly bland and boring. 

“What is it?” Dipper asked. He was completely panicked. 

Because blue, I presume.

“Do you have idea how to save her?” he asked.

Yes. Diamond definitely have idea on that.

“Yes.” Bill said matter of factly. “We’ll have to form Emerald.” 

Is… is this some weird crossover with a canon I’ve never seen? If I had to hazard a guess, maybe Steven Universe. Aren’t there Gems in that show?

he smiled offering smaller gem a hand. Dipper blushed but accepted it. Stan and their followers (Stan is a permanent fusion) 

I’m like 87% sure that’s a Steven Universe thing.

Also apparently the author has written other Gravity Falls fics, so those could play into this weird, distorted version of it they’ve created. 

would be pissed if they let that human girl die.

Uh… yeah. That human girl, who got eaten, I guess?

How would she not be dead?

On her end Mabel was completely freaking out. 

*Ls’ desk rotates 48 degrees to the left.*

As anyone would, being trapped in this mess.

She had found the beetle they were looking for but at the same time she was now inside floating gem monster bird. 

Those are words. In an order.

(I’m going to assume that this is possibly a bunch of Steven Universe plot regurgitation, so if anyone’s seen that and it is, please elucidate.)

s she was about to really start freaking out and punching everything around blade emerged next to her.

The vampire hunter? Blade?

*headdesk*

It looked a little like Bills sword 

When did Bill get a sword? Why would he need one?

but was more greenish than yellow. Not to mention three more blades now surrounding her. 

This is truly coherent. 

She screamed as they turned around freeing her from birds insides.

Yup. This is the plot now. Deal with it.

Falling down human girl was faced with another issue – quickly nearing ground. 

She screamed again but just as she was about to hit the ground she got caught. She expected to face Dipper or Bill but instead it was slightly greenish gem man with triangle in place of his right eye. “Bill…? No Emerald!?” 

You know, that well-established character.

She wondered but got no answer, bird was still alive and pissed.

Glad to hear it.

Fusion glared at flying nuisance and send couple blades to cut it to tiny bits. “You seem to be right, little miss.” he finally said, he seemed nice like Dipper but a bit snobbish like Bill.

Uh… huh. 

Who is this new character?

Mabel just stared in wonder. “Wow.” she said, “So you two actually fused? Just to save me?” she asked.

“It’s not important, let’s get yo away from here.” Emerald said walking off. Mabel quickly followed humming her song about wanting to meed a giant man.

*Ls scratches his head.*

Uh… okay. I’m not sure why Mabel is trying to turn a giant into mead, but… this is happening. I suppose.

Chapter 4: A Bouquet for You

A Bouquet for You

Really?

*The DRD blossoms its way into the riffing room, blooming with bouquets, which they give to Ls. They flower their way out of the room.*

Bill was seriously freaked out, he never expected something like this to happen. But, when were things going accordingly to his plans? 

Fairly frequently, he gets pretty close to taking over the whole world in the finale.

Never. And so this years valentines were terrible to him…

Same.

But, let move to the beginning. After waking up, first thing he saw was box of chocolates. Too bad he’s allergic to it. 

Since when? Is Bill a dog?

Whole box was eaten by Mabel, his kind of niece considering she’s grand daughter of his fathers brother.

*blinks*

Uh, no, and what does that make your relationship to Dipper?

Then he got skin of an actual bear filled with that thing teddy bears are usually filled with. 

*Ls shakes the fic.*

Stop jumping around!

It was really creepy and uncle Stan got rid of it – just a quick throw to the endless pit.

Can we throw this fic into the bottomless pit?

But the creepy gifts didn’t stop at this. Collection was joined by deer teeth necklace and jar of eyeballs. Real eyeballs not fakes like ones in the gift shop. And bag of dorritos. 

Ah! Doritos!

The last one was absolutely random.

Well then.

Later on the same awful valentines day, when everyone was out and he was alone there was a knock on the door.

Before opening it Bill grabbed Stans baseball bat and carefully opened it to meet eyes of Lex, the bartender with bunch of tattoos and piercings who looked a lot like a girl but was actually a guy.

Uh… huh. This appears to be an OC.

“Lex? What are you doing here?” Bill asked, it was a bit late and he was sure that the bar would be packed tonight.

“Nothing, just delivering you a gift.” Lex smiled.

“A gift? From whom?” Bill asked, his hearth slowing a bit. 

“It wasn’t a raging fire anymore, just embers, perfect for roasting marshmallows.”

He was silently hoping it wasn’t from the same person all the other gifts were from.

“From me. I was sending you gift whole day.” Lex smiled.

“Wait, wait, wait. This creepy bear and chocolates I’m allergic to were from you!?” Bill shouted in shock. He didn’t mention the necklace and eyeballs.

I thought you were sending Dipper those gifts.

“Yes. I assumed you didn’t like them so I got you some flowers.” he said not even bothering to explain the bear.

Uh… huh.

This certainly is a plotline.

“They were just creepy and disgusting!” Bill shouted moving back from him. 

Which is why you should love it.

Who knew what the bouquet would involve considering that the guy wasn’t even a human but a demon possessing a body.

I certainly didn’t know!

Lex sighed seeing his reaction. “No need to overreact, those are just flowers.” He said presenting him a bouquet of red roses.

They weren’t wilted, or infested by bees, yet there was something weird about them. 

And then the roses turned into a huge black flame floating in the middle of the air. And it was black. Now I knew he wasn’t a prep.

See? Hargrid knows.

But then Bill realised something. He was allergic to roses, ACHOO, 

*Ls ducks to avoid the narrative sneeze.*

loud sneeze came from him.

“You really disappoint me, corn chip. I hoped real you would come out, but no it’s just allergies.” 

Come… out?

Lex sighed, “And don’t call me Lex. Dipper will do just fine.” 

Now I’m even more confused.

demon laughed and walked way, leaving flowers behind, 

Wait, Dipper was Demon? And also that Lex guy? And Bill lives in the Mystery Shack?

What is going on?!?

next to sneezing Bill who was shouting curses at him.

Dipper was really disappointed with how it turned out.

Me too, this is a mess.

Chapter 5: You’re insecure? Don’t know what for…

You’re insecure? Don’t know what for…

*headdesk*

*The insecure DRD insecurely cannot secure Ls’ riffing room. They instead insecurely insecurize Ls, insecurely insecuring the place insecure.*

Bill Cipher was a normal human. 

No! No he was not!

That Dipper Pines, all powerful dream demon 

*headdesk*

So we’ve swapped their roles for some reason, and only now bothered to tell the reader about any of this.

decided in just a few seconds after meeting him. But there was something special about him, something that drew the demon to him.

Plot contrivance?

That something annoyed Dipper to no end. 

Me too, buddy.

Mostly because he got no idea what it exactly was.

I just said it was plot contrivance.

And so, he was now floating, leisurely over Corn Chips’ bed 

*blinks*

So wait, Bill’s nickname is Corn Chips? Why? Isn’t he a human now?

watching him do nothing. It was slowly getting boring. 

I suppose. 

At least brats cousin wasn’t there to bother him. She had far too much energy.

Is Mabel Bill’s cousin now?

“Hey, brat.” Dipper yawned, “Do something.” he said. There was no response. “I know you’ve heard me.” the demon complained, angry scowl forming on his face. Kid remained silent and motionless. 

Wow, what a freak.

Sighing Dipper floated closer. “What’s wrong with you, kid? If you won’t tell me I’ll just go right to your dig it up.” he demanded.

Whatever that means. 

“Do what you want. Freak. I was called a freak” Bill confessed. He didn’t want the demon digging trough his brain.

Yeah, typically, having a demon deform your brain would be a bad thing.

Hearing it Dipper was shocked. Bill might not be really good at reading atmosphere or feelings but certainly wasn’t stupid. 

In this fic, I doubt that.

And why a freak? To Dipper he looked as dumb as any other human, 

Wait, wait. That sounds a little… contradictory. 

*Silent alarms blare.*

*The stupid DCA geniusly walks in the front door, intelligently falling for all of Ls’ traps. The DCB dumbly serves Ls his not-so-idiotic paperwork, moronically leaving through the entrance.*

maybe even a little better because of his naturally tan skin, light blonde hair and golden eyes… 

*eyeroll*

“Why?” he asked, genuinely curious.

“Freckles.” Bill muttered.

Dipper just laughed. Why would anyone be called a freak fro reason like this.

Yeah, afros really do make you hate freckles. 

“Yeah, yeah. Laugh all you want I don’t care…”

“It’s stupid.” 

Dipper decided interrupting him “Beating yourself over just freckles? Red has freckles and no one laughs at her. 

And you know this how?

What is so different about you?” he asked somehow calming down.

“No idea.” Bill confessed.

“Well.” Dipper started. “If it’ll make you feel better I think your insecurities are dumb. You’re smart, maybe not very bright about feelings and similar stuff, but you’re certainly no freak. 

So reassuring. 

And you know what? You might just be my one, favourite meat bag.” Dipper smiled widely.

Such a compliment. 

“It honestly…” Bill started.

“And that’s why I’ll keep you after conquering this world. 

Oh.

Feel honoured, Corn Chip, and go do something fun. Your future master is bored.” Dipper finished, scowl returning to his face.

Chapter 6: As We Dance With The Devil Tonight

As We Dance With The Devil Tonight

STOP IT!

*Devilish alarms dance.*

*The devilish DRD devilishly dances into the riffing chamber, forcing Ls to dance devilishly before devilishly dancing away.*

Dipper was shaking and praying hoping that somehow, his partner can’t feel it. But it was for nothing, blonde felt every little shake.

please don’t be having sex

“Calm down, kid. It’s not like I’m going to kill you. One night and you can leave, all pieces intact.” Bill muttered, dragging him closer.

Dipper just nodded, doing his best to stay calm. Why has he even agreed for that deal? He should have just left the town, forget about the investment and accept whatever his uncles would say at it…

Investment? Uncles? I mean, I know Stan and Ford are Dipper’s great uncles, but… huh?

As Bill led their slow Dance 

Check off Unnecessary Capitalization from your bingo board.

he dared to look around. All eyes in the room were focused on them. Dipper knew what they were thinking…

“Where are we? Why have Bill and Dipper somehow switched what kind of being they are? What is wrong with the SPaG?”

How does that brat dare to dance with Cipher?

Who the hell does he think he is?

B*stard…

Whore…

*Ls blinks in surprise.*

How… rude, off-topic and completely inapplicable.

He wanted to laugh at their blindness. 

Wait, how do you know their thoughts?

Bill was practically the Devil incarnate. There was not a thing he wouldn’t do if he wouldn’t have something from it.

Uh… huh.

“Something’s wrong?” Bill asked, effortlessly spinning his partner.

Yes. Something is very wrong here.

“Nothing. Just… everyone’s looking at us.” he confessed.

Bill laughed shortly. “Want them to stop? I can arrange it.” he asked shooting him his charming smile. 

Does he have his magic demon powers, actually?

But Dipper wouldn’t buy his charm. He knew this man better than he’d ever want to.

I guess you don’t like him then?

Quickly analysing his options Dipper decided to play along with blonde… devil.

So many options, so little time to clarify what you’re talking about in any of this.

“What way?” he asked, tilting his head. “Come on, humour me.” he continued as Bill stayed silent, one would think that question was ignored if not for a slight movement of his eyes.

The sentence structure here is so awkward.

Bill snickered at this bold statement. Just a minute ago his little, temporary for now, pet 

What is the dynamic here? Who is a demon? Where are we? Who lives where?

was scared s**tless and now was asking such questions? It was certainly interesting.

I wouldn’t use that word.

“I might.” he mused. “I can get my boys and get them all killed. 

For staring?

I might just ask them all to turn around. Or I might just start telling all their secrets. Romances, meeting with lovers. Crushes. 

Sentence fragments, even!

All in detail, ant this would be just a tip of what I know.” 

There’s an ant? Where? GET IT OFF MY DESK!

Bill said. His tone calm as if he was talking about weather, not destroying peoples lives.

Stop being Stu-bear!

Yeesh, Bill is really trying to be even more of an Awesome McEvil than he is in canon.

Dipper just sighed. It was just as he thought. Bill wasn’t the Devil, ol’D had nothing on the blonde.

*headdesk*

Fic, figure yourself out!

Chapter 7: Happy Valentines Everyone!

Happy Valentines Everyone!

*Romantic alarms blare.*

*The happy DRD happily romances the riffing room, but it doesn’t let them in, not admitting them. They depart, leaving both sad and dejected.*

Dipper got no energy to move. He all but gave up. 

God of Tarzan Grammar not amused.

Bill couldn’t be beaten. He just watched as his town burned, pirates laugh filling his head. He was ready to burn with it.

Uh… huh? Why is this vague town being set on fire?

Closing his eyes he could see happy days that now, were gone, forever. Sigh. He was tired, so tired.

–of this fic? 

“C’mon, Pine Tree. Don’t leave me now. You have to see it all till the very last fire goes out.” Bill Cipher complained kicking bleeding out man. 

At least Bill is kinda in character? Even if he’s somehow a human gang leader… or something?

“It won’t be as fun with you unconscious.” he continued.

He was insane, 

Duh.

Dipper should have known it when he’s found him on the beach month 

My favorite time of place, the beach month!

ago… but he didn’t. Or was it something else? If so then what?

I dunno. This fic is too incoherent for me to even bother guessing.

“Pine Tree~, 

I love it when I pronounce a tilde~.

you alive?” Bill asked. Dipper only grumbled in response. This guy was a giant a$$-hole. 

Well, that’s a new form of detached body part.

“It’s be a shame if you died before town is done burning.” Pirate continued talking.

Who is Pirate???

Stop introducing new characters!

“You never stop talking, do you?” Dipper said, more to himself than the blonde.

Who? Bill? I mean, I guess you could say that. 

“Only if there are right people to listen to me. And you are perfect, Pine Tree.” Bill said, starting to walk circles around brunette. “But there is one more thin to do before this Hick town burns down.” 

Is this town made out of Girl Scout cookies? They have one more Thin (Mint) to do, they’ve already done the Samoas?

he noted stopping and giving Dipper particularly nasty look. “You see, I have a habit of taking a souvenir from each town I burn, 

So Human!Gangster!Arsonist!Beach Lover!Bill is also a collector or random junk?

yet I’m afraid most interesting things here burned already.” he sighed, “A shame, really. Luckily there is one more interesting thing here – you.” he noted forcing Dipper to look at him.

Ha. Ha.

“Don’t worry, you won’t be a part of my crew, just a pet of mine.” Bill smiled wickedly “I’m sure we’ll have good time together, pet.”

We sure Dipper is the demon here?

Anyhow, that’s where the fic ends. And I must say, this was quite a trip. The SPaG was awful, the narration impossible to follow, and the plot completely ridiculous and beyond confusing. None of it made any sense, and I wouldn’t be surprised if the author had no familiarity with either Gravity Falls or the English language.

Overall, this fic is an 6/10 due to its unintentional comedy. I may look at some of the author’s other fics. Next  time, I’ll bring you more Suvian at Heart, followed by some Wattpad insanity. Bye!