0296: Singled Out – Chapters 1-3

Title: Singled Out

Author: Lentex

Media: TV show

Topic: The Loud House

Genre: Allegedly Hurt/Comfort

URL: https://m.fanfiction.net/s/12605636/1/Singled-Out

Critiqued by: mysteryleap

Hello, wardens and lunatics! The Loud House is a Nickelodeon cartoon about a boy with ten sisters, and its fanfic is notorious for demonising the sisters and making them come across as bullies, exaggerating the family’s sibling rivalry. I’m gonna tackle a fanfic that’s so bad with this, that its author retroactively claimed it was satirical, taking a leaf out of Tommy Wiseau’s book. Seeing as it’s a long story, there’ll be nine parts, and I’ll add them when I have the time. If the italics are a bit borked, that’s because I was having trouble moving it from the Google Doc to here, so apologies in advance.

“It’s finished!”

“Finally!”

“Mom and Dad are gonna love it!”

After a long month and a half, the loud siblings have finally created a miniature replica of their home.

“Loud” is the family’s last name, but this isn’t capitalised, so it seems as though it’s simply calling the siblings noisy. Which, to be fair, they often are.

Each loud child helped out with the project in their own way. Just to name a few contributions, Lincoln built the exterior of the house using materials he bought from the local model store, Luna recorded the song that played when the model home’s door was opened, and Leni designed the outfits that the miniature characters representing the loud family wore.

Lincoln is the boy, and he’s the main character, kind of a lovable dork who likes video games and superheroes. Luna is one of the teenage sisters and is a rocker. Leni is another one of the teens and is a stereotypical fashion-obsessed dumb blonde.

The children would present the gift to their parents the following morning in celebration of their 20th anniversary. It would be their biggest anniversary present yet, as they’ve planned far in advance this year.

The third-youngest loud child started to complain. “I’m tiiiiired! Can I get my beauty sleep already?”

The third-youngest kid is named Lola, and she’s kind of a diva. But that’s no excuse to avoid saying her name, story.

Lori answered her little sister’s request. “Sure Lola, we should all head on up to bed. We’ve been working on this project for literally three hours today”. The loud children put the model house on the floor, pushed it under a table, covered it up with a sheet, and started up the basement, their hard work would finally pay off.

Or, so they thought.

Lori is the eldest sister, who is known for overusing the word “literally”. She’s a hopeless romantic, and kind of bossy but still caring.

After waiting two hours to ensure the rest of the family was asleep, Lincoln Loud slowly cracked his door open to take a peek at the hallway. After making sure it was empty, the 11 year old grabbed his flashlight, walkie talkie, and a string of LED lights. He tiptoed out of his room, and went down the main staircase, careful to be as quiet as possible. One sound, and his entire plan would be ruined.

Another thing about Lincoln is he’s very strategic, calling himself “the man with the plan”, so this is pretty in-character.

Once he was in the living room, Lincoln opened up the door leading to the basement stairs. The room was pitch black. Good thing I brought this. Lincoln flipped on his flashlight, and proceeded down the staircase. While the white haired boy was usually terrified of the dark, he knew that he needed to get over his fears in order to accomplish his goal.

Umm… no? I don’t think Lincoln is usually terrified of the dark. Unless you count “The Price of Admission”, where he was on-edge after watching a horror movie.

Now at the bottom of the stairs, Lincoln turned on his walkie talkie.

“Clyde, are you there buddy?”. After a brief pause, his best friend answered. “Roger!” Lincoln smiled. He knew he could count on his buddy. “Phase one of operation secretly make the model house one hundred times better to impress my sisters in the morning and also think of a shorter name for this operation is a success”.

“You’re in the basement?”

“Affirmative!”

“And you brought the lights?”

“Correct”.

“Lincoln, remind me why you needed me to stay up late for this?”

“For moral support, Clyde. Now keep it down, I don’t want to wake anyone up”.

Clyde is Lincoln’s friend from school and kind of his sidekick. He’s a bit like Lincoln, but more of a scaredy-cat.

Lincoln has been wanting to add a string of lights that spelled out “Happy Anniversary!” to the base of the model house ever since the Loud children came of with the idea for the gift. But, because he thought it was such a good idea, Lincoln wanted to do it without his sisters knowing. If the lights were put on as a surprise, they would be even more impressed with his handiwork.

Time to do this!

Adding the lights would be quick to do, all Lincoln needed to do was pick up the house and put it on top of the table so he could glue on the LED string that he already had prepared. He knew that he still needed to work fast, since his parents would be arriving home soon.

It’s the middle of the night and they’re still not home?

Not only that, but if one of his sisters went to the kitchen to get a glass of water, they might be able to hear him as well. The less time he spent working, the less likely it was for him to get caught.

He carefully removed the sheet from over the top of the model, and wrapped his arms around it so that he would be able to hoist it on the table. The boy grunted as he picked the object up. “This… is a bit heavier… than I thought…” Lincoln was not the strongest person in the family, for multiple reasons. He didn’t play any sports, he rarely went outside, and he never worked out. He didn’t let his weakness bother him, though. His favorite activities didn’t require any amount of exercise, so why go out of the way to get all sweaty or smelly? That’s what he thought, at least. In a few moments, however, Lincoln would be regretting his inactive lifestyle.

Unable to hold up the heavy object any longer, Lincoln felt his grip on the model house slip away. No no no no no! Before he knew it, he lost his hold on the project that he and his sisters had worked so hard on. It hit the ground, shattering into dozens of fragments and shards, making a loud BANG! in the process.

At first, you might be thinking we’re in for a boring story, with the same old “character breaks an object and tries frantically to fix, hide, or replace it” plot we’ve seen a million times. But no. It goes in a far more original, but at the same time, far worse, direction.

Lincoln stood dumbfounded and stared at what was now an unrecognizable mess of broken modeling plastic, cardboard, and wood.

“Lincoln? Come in, Lincoln?”

“Clyde, I have to go! Talk to you later!”

Lincoln quickly said goodbye to his friend and turned off his walkie talkie. What should he do? His parents anniversary was THE NEXT MORNING! My sisters are going to kill me for this! As if on cue, Lincoln heard footsteps from upstairs. “What was that sound? It’s literally almost midnight”. Based on the voice, Lincoln could tell that Lori had definitely heard the sound of the model house hitting the ground.

Well, it was described as “a loud BANG!”. It’d be more noteworthy if she hadn’t heard it.

The white haired boy could do nothing but look at the floor in shame and wait for the inevitable. Lori soon after walked down the basement, followed by the rest of the siblings who she had gathered to investigate the sound. Each loud child gasped at the rubble in front of Lincoln’s feet. Shock quickly turned to anger. Lincoln could tell that his sisters were enraged at him. He’s seen them mad before, but their expressions showed anger on a brand new level.

Lori was the first to lash out at her brother. “Lincoln, why did you break the house?! We literally spent over a month on that!”

Does she think he did it on purpose?

Lincoln tried as best as he could to explain himself. “Guys, I was trying to make it better! Really!” Lola stepped forward, clearly furious with her brother. “You tried making it better by dropping it on the ground?!”

“I was g- going to put on some lights on it, but-“

Lola took another step forward.

“Then why did you wait until the middle of the night to do it?!”

“I just wanted to surprise you guys! Really, I never meant to break the house!”

Lincoln’s story didn’t seem to calm down his sisters. In fact, it seemed to make things worse. They took a step forward, ready to pummel him.

The kids do get into Looney Tunes-style “big ball of violence” type brawls on the regular, so this isn’t as drastic as it might seem, but it gets worse.

“Guys, l- let me explain myself!”.

Lynn, being the athletic girl and reckless girl that she was, didn’t want to wait for Lincoln to try and defend himself any further. The jock started to charge at her younger brother. Afraid of the pain about to come his way, Lincoln quickly put his arms up in an attempt to defend himself. He closed his eyes, and prepared for the worst.

Much to his surprise, Lincoln felt nothing. The boy opened his eyes, and thankfully for him, he saw Lola holding Lynn back from her bull charge. “Keep it together, woman!”

Um… Lola is only a little girl (six or seven depending on the season, and she is six at the time of the fanfic), whereas Lynn is seven years older and works out (her whole shtick is that she’s the sporty one). I know Lola has an extreme temper, but how is she strong enough to hold her back?

“Lola, he broke our house! Do you know how long we spent on that?!”

“I know, and I’m just as mad as you! But listen, Lynn! Beating him up right now won’t solve anything.”

Don’t let that fool you. She’s not trying to de-escalate the fight. Far from it.

“Then what are we gonna do, Lola? Give him a warning?!”

“No. I have a better idea.” A sinister smile spread across the beauty queen’s face. “I call an emergency sister meeting!”

Lincoln was dumbfounded. Had he really just escaped a rage filled Lynn beating? He thought about what Lola said. A sister meeting. Being the only brother in the family, he was obviously not invited. Where they going to vote on whether to forgive him or not? Where they going to discuss how to punish him?

I don’t know. Wherever they feel like, I guess. The real question is where’s the proofreader?

Lori brought Lincoln’s train of thought to a halt. “Alright girls, let’s head upstairs. Lola better make this worth our time”. Lola released Lynn, who had by now stopped resisting. Every girl with the exception of the athlete started up the basement stairs. Lynn stared Lincoln in the eyes, with a bitter expression on her face. She was clearly still heated about the broken house. After making her anger clear, she started after the other sisters.

Lincoln stood in the basement alone, wondering what horrors awaited him.

Are they gonna buy them from the little shop?

Lori hit her shoe on the desk. Bang, bang. “I hereby declare our sister meeting to be in session!.” Lynn was the first to speak up. “Lola, we’re all mad at Lincoln. You better have a good reason for letting him skip out the one versus nine beatdown he deserves”.

Lola smiled. “Lynn, if we senselessly beat him up right there and then, that would be it. His punishment would have been painful, but quick”.

Lynn nodded. Lola had a point, after all. “We need to punish him in a different way. He ruined two and a half months of work, people!”.

Luna interjected. “That’s great and all, but what can we really do other than rough him up? Once again, a sinister smile formed on Lola’s face. “We can declare full on war against Lincoln”.

Still angry at their brother, the Loud sisters agreed mutually that this was a good idea. “But what exactly do we do to the little twerp?”, questioned Lori. Lola had not thought this far. “We need ideas. Brainstorm, people!”

Okay, I can buy the sisters being angry at Lincoln, but this is going way too far. This is exactly the kind of thing fanfiction writers do – give the sisters an irrational hatred of Lincoln.

“We can force him into a dutch oven whenever we get the chance!” said Lynn.

“We can clog the toilet whenever he’s after to use it!” added Lana.

Lana is Lola’s twin, and she’s a grody little girl, enjoying things like boogers and trash, so leave it to her to come up with a toilet-related suggestion.

“Orrrrr”, started Lisa, “We can do all of that and more. Our male sibling hates an abundant amount of our annoying habits. Why not increase our output of these habits and direct them solely at Lincoln?”

In other words, she’s suggesting they behave the way they do in a typical Loud House badfic. Lisa, by the way, is the second-youngest kid, and a child prodigy.

Luan couldn’t resist making a pun. “That’s a painfully good idea! … Get it?” Silence filled the room. “As bad as that joke was,” started Lana, “Lisa has a really good idea. Luna, play music as loud as you can while Lincoln tries to do his homework. Lynn, be as rough as possible with Lincoln. I can rig the shower to be scolding hot before he uses it. Think of all the possibilities!”

Luan (pronounced “loo-ANN”) is the jokester of the family. Lana knows how to do plumbing, so she’d be able to rig the shower, but I don’t think even she’d be able to rig it to tell people off.

“I can move my bat colony into Lincoln’s room while he’s watching TV!”

It’s not stated who said that, but it seems to have been Lucy, the goth sister. However, she’s usually very deadpan, so I don’t know what the exclamation point is there for.

“I can make Lincoln test some of my most explosive experiments!”

“I can hide my smelly clothes in his room after a big game!”

“There’s also lots of things we can do together to annoy him.” started Lori, bringing the conversation back. “We can all take as long as possible in the bathroom when we know Lincoln needs to use it”. Lori expressed her approval of the new plan. “This is probably your best idea ever, Lola!” The pageant queen smiled. “Don’t thank me, guys. We all came up with this marvelous plan!”

“So, like, when are we starting? Literally first thing in the morning, right?”

Luna butted in. “Let’s not start yet, dudes. We should stay peaceful tomorrow for Mom and Dad. It’s the least we can do on their anniversary if we don’t even have a present for them. Besides, it’s better if Lincoln gets comfortable before we start messing with him bigtime.”

It’s not every day you hear someone be so nice and then so mean in the same paragraph.

The sisters nodded in agreement. Lori stood up, ready to end the meeting. “Is everyone in favor of a full on war with Lincoln starting in two days?” After she heard eight different “Aye!”‘s, Lori once again hit the shoe on the desk. Bang, bang. “Meeting concluded!”

---

Lincoln paced back and forth down the bedroom hallway. What were they planning to do to him? Beads of sweat emerged on his forehead. His sisters have been in Lori’s room for over half an hour by now. At long last, Lori’s bedroom door opened. Lincoln saw that his sisters were… smiling? Each sibling walked back to their bedroom, closing their door behind them. Lori poked her head out of her doorway. “Goodnight, Lincoln”. She flashed him a smile, and closed her door.

Lincoln now had a fragment of hope. Did they agree to forgive him? Of course, he knew it was wishful thinking, but given the circumstances, it could have been the case. His sisters had never before went from being angry enough to turn him into a human pretzel to total calmness. Something wasn’t right.

Well, I know one thing that wasn’t right, and that was the author’s use of “went” instead of “gone”.

Although he was very confused, Lincoln knew was that all he could do for now was to remain uninformed and get some sleep.

---

When Lincoln woke up, things were surprisingly normal. He opened his door slowly, half expecting his sisters to be waiting on the other side ready to ambush him. All he saw in the hallway was Luna practicing her electric guitar, Lana chasing down one of her reptilian pets, and Lily walking down the hall (without a diaper, of course).

Lily was one at the time, so that’s why it’s noteworthy that she isn’t diapered.

It was just like any other day. He walked downstairs and poured himself a bowl of cereal. Some of his sisters were already there before him eating their breakfast too. Lincoln was astonished. Had his sisters forgotten about last night? This is strange, but I shouldn’t let my guard down.

The day carried on as normal. Nevertheless, Lincoln was extra careful. He peeked around corners before moving on, he opened doors slowly just in case there was a trap waiting for him, and he did his best to steer clear of his sisters.

Later that night, when it came time for the celebration of the Lynn Sr. and Rita’s anniversary, the children gathered around in the kitchen. It was tradition for the Loud children to cook for their parents on special days like their anniversary and their birthdays. The last time all of the Loud kids tried cooking together, the meal turned out to be a godawful mix of different foods that didn’t mix together very well at all.

This is a reference to the canon episode “Fed Up”. But I don’t see how it could be a tradition if they’ve only stopped sucking at it recently.

So, this time around, Lori directed the cooking rather than simply allowing everyone make their own part of the meal. In the end, it turned out surprisingly well. The kids had cooked a meal of dinner pancakes, chilled fruit, and popcorn chicken.

You forgot a “to”, author.

The Loud family sat down to eat. Usually, this would be the time that the kids would present their gift to their parents. Lori, being the oldest, broke the bad news. “We’re sorry we don’t have a present for you today, but Lincoln literally broke it last night”. Each sister all turned to face Lincoln, who gave a nervous laugh in return.

“I’m really sorry Mom and Dad, but I tried to add something to the gift last night, and well… it kind of slipped out of my hands and broke”. Lincoln slumped in his chair and looked at the ground in shame.

Luna spoke up. “But don’t worry dudes, we’re going to work hard to fix it. We’re sorry that we can’t give it to you on your anniversary, but taking the time to patch it up is better than nothing I guess”. Lynn Sr. and Rita nodded. “It’s still thoughtful of you kids to think of us. Take your time fixing up whatever it was that you made for us”.

After dinner, Lincoln went on up to his room to think. Did his sisters already cool down from last night? Was he home free? Lincoln doubted it, but then again, they’ve done nothing the entire day to him. Usually when his sisters were angry with him, they’d pummel him on the spot. It was especially strange since Lincoln ruining the model house was one of the biggest things that he’s done to anger his sisters.

Something wasn’t right.

He’s been inspired by Miss Clavel.

“Clyde, they’re driving me crazy”.

Lincoln’s best friend nodded. He’s clearly upset with his sisters, he jotted down on his notepad.

“What exactly have they done to you, Lincoln?”

Lincoln cringed while laying down in Clyde’s psychiatrist couch, remembering the horrible events from that morning.

In case you’re wondering, Clyde is not a psychiatrist. But he visits one on occasion and so sometimes adopts her mannerisms.

“Oh, all sorts of things. It started this morning. I had just woke up, and Luna started playing her guitar as loud as possible right outside my door. It was so powerful, I was flung to the back of my room. I tried walking to my door so I could open it and ask her to turn it off, but as soon as I got up, I noticed that my entire floor was covered in balls.

Heh heh!

Soccer balls, baseballs, golf balls, you name it. They were everywhere, Clyde.”

The junior psychiatrist nodded. “And how did that make you feel?”.

“Horrible, Clyde! I landed right on my back, and it still hurts. I bet it’s gonna be sore for another week or two. Lynn must have snuck in while I was sleeping and dumped her collection on my floor”.

“I may be able to get some Tylenol to help with your back. Also, how did Lynn even get in your room? I thought you said you put a padlock on your door that night?”.

And we’re only just learning about it now. This flash-forward is confusing.

“I did, Clyde. Someone must have messed with the lock. Actually, now that I think about it, Leni has picked locks before. It must have been her”.

That’s true, believe it or not. She used her hairpin.

“Interesting. What happened next?”.

“Well, then, I tried crawling over to the door to try and open it. As soon as I pulled on the doorknob, it came right off. I know that’s not unusual in our old house, but my door handle was just replaced a week ago! Someone obviously tampered with it.

Clyde frowned. “Lana, I’m guessing. How did you get out of your room?”.

“It wasn’t easy, Clyde. Luna had set up her speakers directly in front of my door, so I wasn’t even able to kick down the door if I wanted to”.

“How did you get out of your room?”.

“It wasn’t easy, but I tied up all of my bed sheets in a rope and attached one end to my bed post. I stuck the other end out of my window, and then tried to squeeze myself outside while holding on to the rope. I was honestly terrified getting out the window, but I knew that it needed to be done. If I wasn’t ready for school on time, I’d have missed our ancient Egyptian test, and I can’t afford another bad grade in history.

Uh… Lincoln’s usually portrayed as a good student unless he’s fawning over his substitute teacher Ms. Dimartino. Maybe she was teaching history.

I overcame my fears by making sure to not look down”.

Clyde nodded. When Lincoln said his sisters were giving him a harder time than usual, I thought he was exaggerating. Now, it seems like he was sugar coating it. “Lincoln, did you make it to the ground safely?”.

“Of course not. When I was halfway down the rope, I looked up and saw Luan cutting it with her ventriloquist dummy’s teeth.

You’d have to be a dummy to use that instead of scissors! *Ba dum, pssh*

Before I could get to the ground, the top of the bed sheet rope had been cut, and I fell down”.

“Ouch. That must have hurt, right?”.

“Actually, no. If my parents saw me with scratches and bruises from that high of a fall, they’d definitely have punished my sisters. Instead, I landed in Lola’s princess car. As soon as I fell on it, she drove in front of a puddle of mud and made a sudden stop. The force of the stop sent me flying off of the back of the car and into the mud!”.

“Remind me never to make your sisters angry. All of this happened because you broke a model house?”.

My thoughts exactly, Clyde! And in case you’re wondering, Lola’s “princess car” is a kiddie car she rides. Like a Barbie jeep.

“Yeah, we worked on that house for about two and a half months. Breaking it made my sisters more angry at me than they’ve ever been before. I just hope they cool down soon…”

Lincoln obviously wants this mess to end soon, thought Clyde.

Clyde’s just been promoted to Captain Obvious.

Will he resort to fighting back?

“Lincoln, what did you do after being dumped in the mud?”

“I knew it was pointless to go back inside and try to get clean clothes. My sisters probably had traps set up in every square inch of the house. So, I ran over to the back of the house and washed myself down with the garden hose. I was soaking wet, but I figured I would air dry before I got to school, and it was better than being covered in mud. I sprinted off of our property, desperate to get away from the house as fast as I could”.

“And that’s when you met up with me, right?”.

Lincoln nodded.

“So that’s why you were so wet. And smelly. And missing your backpack”.

Lincoln nodded again. “Yeah, I was so focused on getting away from my house, I forgot breakfast, brushing my teeth, and my backpack with all of my Egyptian notes!” The boy signed.

He’s afraid one of his sisters might be listening in, so he’s talking in sign language?

“There’s no way I would have been able to get it from the living room”. Clyde frowned. “It figures. The one open note quiz we have all year, and it’s the only day you don’t have your notes”.

Lincoln got up from the couch, stretching his arms and legs. “Clyde, do you mind if I stay here tonight? I want to wait awhile before I go back home, for obvious reasons”. Lincoln’s friend smiled. “Sure, Lincoln! You’re always welcome in the McBride abode. Let me go grab the spare-“

Clyde’s hospitality was cut off by the doorbell. “I’ll get it!” He started for the front door. Lincoln pondered who could have been visiting. It wasn’t Clyde’s parents, they were out at least until sundown. Could it be one of his sisters?

Clyde opened the door. Lucy was standing on the front porch. “Hello, Clyde”.

“Uhm, hi Lucy. How can I help you?” Speaking in her usual monotone voice, Lucy made her demands clear. “Lincoln needs to come home, now. If he stays here for any longer, I won’t have any problems casting a curse on you”. To this, Clyde simply chuckled and ruffled Lucy’s hair. “That’s cute and all, but me and Lincoln have stuff to do. Bye, now”. Just as Clyde started to close the door, Lucy grabbed it, forcing it to remain open. “If you don’t believe me, Clyde, have a look for yourself.” Lucy pointed at a nearby bush, uttered an unintelligible spell, and cast her arm out. Before Clyde knew it, the bush was on fire. The nerd stood dumbfounded.

I don’t blame him. Yes, Lucy is creepy, and she does have a spell book, but I wouldn’t expect her to be evil enough to set Clyde on fire.

“Wha- how did you-?!”

Lucy smiled. “Now, will you reconsider?” Clyde crossed his arms. “If you think a threat will stop me from protecting my best friend, you are very wrong. Now, I’d appreciate it if you left the property and-” Before Clyde could finish his sentence, he was caught off guard. Lori, his biggest and only crush, was walking down his sidewalk. She turned and waved to him. “Hiiiiii, Clyyyyyyde!”. Clyde’s nose started to stream blood, and he fell backward, rendered unconscious.

That was a running gag in the earlier seasons of the show. The nosebleed thing is an anime reference, I think.

Lincoln (who had been constructing a makeshift bunker with cushions from around the McBride house ever since the front door opened) poked his head out. He’d heard someone hit the ground. Wearing a pasta strainer as a helmet, a trash can lid as a shield, and a hockey stick as a weapon, he slowly crept over to the front door to see what had happened.

He saw Clyde unconscious on the floor, with Lucy standing in front of him. “What did you do to Clyde?!” “I didn’t do anything to him. It was her”. Lucy pointed to the sidewalk, where Lincoln saw his eldest sister. “Hey, twerp!” she yelled. “Mom and Dad said that you need to come home! They got a phone call from Mrs. Johnson about your history test today!”. Lincoln gulped.

Although he knew that Clyde couldn’t hear him, Lincoln wished farewell to his friend. “Bye, Clyde. It might be awhile before I can talk to you again”.

And with that, Lincoln started his slow, sad trek home.

When I read “trek”, I can’t help but think of “Star Trek”. But this fanfic boldly goes places no story should ever go.

Lucy, Lori, and Lisa gathered around the sidewalk in front of the McBride house. They gave each other a high five, and had a good laugh. Lisa adjusted her glasses. “Clyde fell for the fictitious remote controlled burning bush that I made just this morning. What a neanderthal”.

Oh, so Lucy was just bluffing. That’s one good thing at least.

“Yeah”, said Lori, “But what really knocked him out were my stunning looks!”. All 3 Loud siblings exchanged a laughed again. “See what we can do when we work together, guys?”

“Exchanged a laughed”?

Lori and Lisa started their way back home, eagerly awaiting to tell their sisters how well their Lincoln extraction plan went.

“Extraction”? They’re so angry about this model house that they think he’s like an abscessed tooth?

“Lue Lue, you coming?”. Lucy stood in place, looking at the ground. “Don’t call me that. I’ll catch up with you guys in a second”. Lori shrugged and continued her walk with Lisa. “Such an unpredictable creature” commented the junior scientist, as she strolled off with her sister.

Lucy looked up, and stared at the McBride house. It will soon be time.

…For what?

Lincoln took a deep breath as he put his hand on the front doorknob. He opened the door, and quickly sidestepped, fearing something or someone was waiting for him on the other side. Something was waiting on the other side, but it was not a trap set up by his sisters as Lincoln expected. It was his parents. “Come to the kitchen with us, Lincoln”. As he went inside, and slowly walked behind his parents, he spotted his remaining sisters in the living room. Lily was playing with Lola and Lana, who were buildings some sort of castle with wooden blocks.

The twins had turned into buildings?

Lynn was throwing a tennis ball high in the air, and catching it when it came back down to her. Luan was practicing her ventriloquism with her trusty sidekick, Mr. Coconuts.

He’s the dummy, BTW.

Luna was strumming away on her banjo, an instrument she was learning. Finally, Leni was hard at work on constructing what appeared to be a wooden nightstand.

Lincoln knew that his sisters must have been waiting for him. When they did their activities, they were usually upstairs.

Um… no? The sisters do their activities in the living room a lot.

When his sisters caught sight of him, every one of them stopped what they were doing, and stared Lincoln in the eyes. It was almost as if they were trying to tell him something. To this, Lincoln simply looked away.

Once in the kitchen, Lynn Sr. motioned for Lincoln to sit. Uh-oh. The three took their seats around the kitchen table. “Lincoln…” started Rita. “What happened at school today?” Lincoln looked up.

“About the test?”.

“Yes, Lincoln. You told us that you studied hard for it. What happened?”. Lincoln knew that he did study hard for the test. He worked in class to take the best notes that he could, and he read over them every night leading up to the test. But… none of that mattered. It was his sisters. They were the reason he failed. Now that I think about it, they probably knew that my test was today. They made sure I wasn’t able to get my notes. No wonder Luna blocked the door. Lincoln was now angry, and ready to express his frustration. It was time for him to tell his parents what his siblings did to him that morning.

“Mom, Dad,” he began. “The reason I failed my test was-” Wait a minute. Was it going to be this easy? Just tell his parents what his sisters did, and they would be forced to stop harassing him? There was something more going on here. They had Lisa on their team, there’s no way she would overlook this, right?

Just like that, it hit Lincoln. That’s why his sisters stared him down in the living room. It was a signal. They had basically said, “if you tell on us, we’ll make sure you regret it”.

Geez, these sisters are holding their grudge to ransom!

Lincoln knew if he ratted them out right here and now, they would be punished and forced to stop attacking him for the near future. However, they would still be able to hurt him in ways that couldn’t be traced back to them. They could leak embarrassing secrets to his classmates. They could hog the TV at times they knew his shows were on. They could upload embarrassing videos of Lincoln anonymously. The possibilities were endless. The reason they didn’t do any of these things yet was now clear; they wanted to save those methods so that they could be used as a threat. That way, they’d be able to openly attack Lincoln without fear of him being able to snitch on them. As long as they didn’t leave any marks or bruises, they’d have the green light to mess with him all they wanted.

This was warfare, and it had just become clear to Lincoln.

Warfare, all over a broken model house. Sure, they’ve been a bit petty in canon, but not any more so than normal siblings. This is just ridiculous.

“Lincoln? Well?” Lincoln froze. What would he tell his parents? “Well, Lincoln? Why did you fail the test?”. Lincoln sighed. He would have to lie, making himself look worse than he actually was. It hurt to do so, but Lincoln knew it needed to be done, or he’d face bigger consequences from his sisters. He looked down at the table in shame. “Mom, Dad… I didn’t study like I told you I did. I never took notes, I just assumed the test would be easy. But, I messed up. Obviously, I bombed the test, and now my history grade is going to be really hurt because of it.” Lincoln looked up.

His parents looked back at him, clearly disappointed. “I’m glad you’re being honest, son, but you should have told us the truth sooner. I’m going to have to ground you for two weeks, okay?”. Lincoln nodded. “Alright, then. Head on up to your room”.

Lincoln sat up from his chair. His back was still sore from this morning. He never was able to get any Tylenol from Clyde. He brought himself to the living room. He saw his sisters smiling. All six knew that they had just won the first battle. Their plan had worked, and they knew it.

“First”? So getting your brother grounded wasn’t good, or rather, bad enough for you?

The boy grabbed his backpack. He started the walk up to his room, prepared to spend the next two weeks there, only leaving to eat and do chores. Once he was upstairs, Lincoln locked the door behind him. His room appeared to be back to normal. He figured that his sisters cleared it up, just in case his parents saw the mess that they made and questioned why Lynn’s sports balls were in Lincoln’s room.

Lincoln took out his history textbook from his backpack. Sure, he had failed his test and studying was pointless now, but that’s not why he was reading about the past events of the world. The boy knew that he was now in the midst of a war. Lincoln flipped through the pages until he found what he was looking for. He’d use his grounding to his advantage. Now that he had time alone, he would have to begin reading about past wars and conflicts. He’d learn everything he needed to know in order to beat his sisters; tactics, strategies, and methods of fighting the enemy. Sure, the odds were 10 to 1, but he wasn’t going to give up just yet. He’d fight back, and fight back hard. If not to win, then for the sake of honor. One thing was for certain;

Lincoln was ready to go to battle.

Now it’s even more like a war, because both sides are fighting. But who can blame him?

“Eggs again, Lincoln?”

The boy nodded. His sisters lined up, ready for breakfast. As the line moved forward, Lincoln gave each sister an egg, prepared a different way each time. “Hard boiled for Lori, egg white for Leni, sunny side up for Luna, ‘funny’ side up for Luan, scrambled for Lynn, extra well done for Lucy, deviled eggs for the twins, fried for Lisa, and extra gooey for Lily!”. Just then, Lynn Sr. walked into the kitchen.

That was based on a gag from canon. In this instance, “well done” means “burnt”.

“Dad, want some breakfast?”.

The Loud family patriarch glanced down, looking at the egg sizzling in the frying pan. “No thanks Lincoln, I only really have time to grab a bagel and get going. I have a pretty big meeting today”. With that, Lynn Sr. ruffled Lincoln’s hair, and started for the door. “Bye, kids!”

Lincoln added to the chorus of ten different “Bye, Dad!”s.

It had been two weeks and one day since Lincoln had been grounded for failing his test. In that time, he had been given many chores to do, one of them being to prepare breakfast for the family. Although today marked the first day he was officially ungrounded, Lincoln still wanted to cook breakfast as a force of habit. Besides, the boy didn’t mind cooking eggs for his sisters; he’d done it in the past, when he tried to make sure they left for school on time the day he had his class presentation. Lincoln smiled, recalling that day. No matter how hard he tried to get the model he had made of his family to school on time and in one piece, it had been run over by vanzilla.

That’s what they call their family van.

His sisters felt bad for him, so they decided to all help him out and act as a life size visual in place of his broken model. Back then, when his siblings weren’t at war with him, they’d always be willing to support him when he needed it. Things were different, now.

See, that’s what I don’t understand. The author has seen episodes like that, which shows the sisters do care about Lincoln, and yet still thinks they’d do something like this.

I wish this war would just end. If things go well today, maybe my sisters will surrender and it will. I can at least hope, right? Lincoln had been preparing for this day ever since the night his sisters had forced him to lie to his parents about his test. Today would mark the first time in the war he fought back.

---

Two Weeks Earlier

“Sir Clyde is here to save you, my fair princess!” The knight lifted up his sword, and pointed it at the two headed dragon that held on tightly to his maiden.

A dragon? Those only feature in the movie.

“You better hurry! This dragon is literally ruining my dress!” Clyde gave his horse a kick, causing it to begin a swift charge towards the beast. Sir Clyde stood up on his horse, who was still charging directly at the dragon. “Off with your head, foul creature!” Now inches away from the dragon, the knight jumped high in the air, with a tight grip on his sword. Clyde slashed his sword with all his might, cutting off both dragon heads. He fell back down on his horse. The dragon, now dead, released it’s captive. The princess started to scream as she fell down to the earth.

“I’ll catch you!” Clyde quickly turned his horse around, and rode to the spot where the damsel in distress would soon hit the ground. Just in the nick of time, Clyde reached out and grabbed the fair Princess Lori.

“You saved me, Clyde!” the princess lifted off the knight’s helmet. She leaned in for a kiss. “Clyde…” she whispered. “Clyde… Clyde… CLYDE!”

Alarmed by the sudden loud noise, Clyde opened his eyes and sat up at lightning speed.

Oh, it was a dream!

“Wh- what?” In front of him, the nerd saw Lucy, kneeling down next to him. “Oh, hi Lucy. Thanks for waking me up. Where’s Lincoln?” The 8 year old goth pointed down the McBride’s front sidewalk.

According to the punctuation, the front sidewalk only belongs to one McBride and not all three of them.

Clyde saw the white hair of his best friend over the horizon, fading away in the distance as Lincoln walked back to his house.

“I should go talk to him” Clyde stated, standing up.

“Wait” interjected Lucy. “Listen, Clyde. As you probably already know, Lincoln failed his test today, and he’s going to be grounded. He won’t be able to speak with you for awhile after he gets home”.

How did you know your parents would ground him?

Clyde nodded. “I suspected that. That’s why I want to go talk with him”. He began to walk to the sidewalk.

Lucy grabbed him. “Hold on, Clyde. I have an offer that even a loyal friend like you can’t refuse”.

Clyde turned around. “Are you going to ask me to betray Lincoln? There’s not much that can make me do that”.

“Not much”? Not “nothing”?

Lucy smiled. This was rare for her to do, and Clyde knew this. What was she going to offer him?

---

Two Weeks Later

Lincoln sat on the living room couch, reading the newest ace savvy comic. Lily slept peacefully in her crib in front of Lincoln. The rest of the Loud family had just left moments ago to Aunt Ruth’s house. Lincoln volunteered to babysit Lily while his family went to Ruth’s, and his parents accepted, knowing how well he had done the last time he was asked to watch the baby.

He didn’t really do that well. He made a mess changing her diaper and accidentally lost her at the park. But in the parents’ defense, they didn’t know about those shenanigans because he set them right.

While reading, Lincoln thought about the war. To his surprise, his sisters had not tried to do anything to him while he was grounded to his room. Even if they did, Lincoln had made preparations. Under his bed, the boy stored a hockey mask, bubble wrap, and a makeshift shield. He only assumed their inactivity was because they were planning something big.

And not because they thought being grounded was punishment enough?

Lincoln knew that he needed to strike soon, before his sisters attacked him. After two weeks of thinking, Lincoln had come up with a plan to fight his sisters back for what they did to him on the day of his test.

Ding dong.

Lincoln walked downstairs and opened the front door. As he suspected, Clyde was on the other side. Lincoln’s nerdy but loyal friend had been carefully waiting outside the Loud residence in the bushes, waiting for Lincoln’s sisters and parents to leave.

“Hey, buddy”.

“Hi, Clyde. Ready?”

“You bet!”

The two boys got to work. Later that day, Lincoln would finally have his revenge.

---

The screech that only vanzilla could make was heard loud and clear by Lincoln.

“Loud” and clear? Was that supposed to be a pun?

He smiled. Moments later, the front door open, and the entire loud family with the exception of Lincoln and Lily filed into the house. Lincoln’s father went in the kitchen to prepare dinner, while Lincoln’s sisters went upstairs. Shortly after, the regular sounds of the Loud House could be heard. Someone was playing the electric guitar, someone was working with explosive chemicals, someone was chasing one of their siblings; all normal sounds in Lincoln’s household.

Rita walked over to the couch, where Lincoln and Clyde were reading a story to Lily. “Looks like you did a good job babysitting, Lincoln”.

“It was easy, Mom! Lily slept most of the time, and Clyde helped me cook her a lunch”.

“Good to hear! I’m going to take Lily to her checkup, okay?”.

Lincoln nodded. He’d known about the checkup weeks in advance. The boy knew he would only be able to act if both of his parents were away from the house. Lincoln smiled as he watched his mother leave the house.

Minutes later, a loud cry could be heard from the kitchen. “Where’s all the chocolate?!”. 

Was that his revenge plan? Stealing the chocolate?

Lincoln’s sisters rushed to the kitchen from downstairs. If they could hear their father’s yell over all of the noise, then it meant he must have been upset. Lincoln followed them into the kitchen. Clyde stayed in the living room, not wanting to get involved with the drama.

Lynn Sr. turned to face his children. “Is anyone going to admit to eating the chocolate?”

The kitchen was dead silent.

The family patriarch sighed and crossed his arms. “I told you kids to stay away from the chocolate so I could make short rib chili tonight. You guys know it just doesn’t taste right without it!” Lynn Sr. sighed again, clearly still upset about his missing ingredients. “I’m going to the store so I get some more. I don’t care who ate all of it, but you all have been guilty of this in the past. For the rest of the day, none of you are allowed to go out. If any of you leave the property, I’ll ground you to your room for a week. Is that understood?”

Oh, it was to get the father out of the house!

The Loud children had mixed reactions.

“But Dad!”, started Lori. “I was going to the movies with Bobby!”

That’s her boyfriend.

Leni didn’t seem to mind the punishment, as she remained silent.

Luna, however, felt differently. “This is totally unfair, dude. Lori was going to drive me to the Parkway Drive concert after her date!”

Like Leni, Luan was not somber about being unable to leave the house for the rest of the night. In fact, she used the situation to make a pun. “I guess you’ll have to hang out with your homies here instead! Get it?”

“I was going to go on my nightly jog!” cried Lynn, hitting the wall in anger. “How else am I supposed to exercise when I don’t have another practice until tomorrow?!”

Lincoln appeared to be affected negatively by his father’s announcement. “I was going over to Clyde’s tonight! Want am I supposed to do now?

Lucy and the twins seemed to be neutral to the travel ban for that night. Not everyone had plans to go out, after all.

Lisa did have plans, however. “I was supposed to teach at the community college. I suppose I’ll have to postpone my lecture on Formicidae Vespoide”.

Well, you girls got your brother wrongly grounded. An eye for an eye.

After listening to five complaints at once, the Loud patriarch had to stand firm on his punishment. “No matter who it was, all of you need to learn from this. I specifically told you all to leave our chocolate alone so I could use it for dinner. Now, enough complaining. I don’t want to hear it!”

“But daaaaaaad!”

“Enough!”

Unable to do anything about their punishment, the Loud children walked out of the kitchen, defeated.

Perfect! He’s actually leaving to get more! Lincoln and Clyde had eaten all of the chocolate so that Lynn Sr. would need to leave to get more. Sure, it gave them stomach aches, but Lincoln needed the house free of his parents to move on with the next phase of his plan. He’d also made sure to act just as upset as his sisters so they’d be less likely to suspect him. It was time to get revenge.

More so than he already has by getting them grounded?

“Let’s go, Clyde”. Lincoln and his friend got up, and started walking to the basement. Once downstairs, the two boys thoroughly searched around for any of Lincoln’s sisters. It was possible that they were being followed. In fact, Lincoln bet any money that his siblings had an attack ready for him, and were about to use it now that their parents where gone. It’s been two weeks since their last attack, so it was definitely possible. He made sure to search fast so that he would be able to attack them before they attacked him.

Once Lincoln and Clyde were positive the room was clear, they made their way over to the corner of the basement, where they moved a heavy shelf sideways. Once they did this, they lifted up a bed sheet, revealing a cage underneath.

He wants to lock his sisters in a cage?

“Are you sure about this?” asked Clyde.

Lincoln nodded. “I spent a lot of money ordering these guys. We need to go through with the plan.”

The white haired boy opened the cage. Immediately after, Lincoln and Clyde bolted up the basement stairs, and out the front door. Once outside, the boys hid behind the Loud family garage. Like clockwork, screams could soon be heard from inside the house. “SKUNKS!”

Oh, so he’s siccing skunks on them. Better watch out, Lincoln! If your parents find out that was you, you’d be in even worse trouble!

Inside the loud residence, things seemed to be normal. In the living room, Lori was on the couch texting Bobby. She was still upset about having to miss her date. Lynn sat next to her, watching the playoffs on the television. Luan was practicing a juggling routine using muffins. The rest of the Loud siblings were upstairs.

Luan was ready to take her routine to the next level. While still juggling the muffins she already had, the comedian tried to add another one to the mix. Although it was a hard task, Luan was doing quite well. That is, until, her younger brother and his friend bolted from the basement, and ran outside. Lincoln brushed Luan as he ran by, causing her to drop all of her muffins. Before she could yell at him, Lincoln was already out the door. “Lincollllln!” she yelled in anger, despite the fact that her brother couldn’t hear her. Luan bent over, preparing to clean up her mess. Before she could wipe up the first muffin, however, she hear a scream from Leni.

“SKUNKS!” At first, the Loud sisters ignored Leni. They figured she must have mistaken something such as one of Lucy’s bats or one of Lana’s pets for a skunk. Before they knew it, however, skunks actually were coming up the basement stairs. Before they could run, the sisters near the living room couch where sprayed.

Again with the “where” instead of “were”. This is why proofreading is important.

Panicking, Lori, Lynn, Luan, and Lori scattered and ran around the downstairs of the Loud residence.

“Up here!” came the voice of Lisa, the child genius.

The four Loud sisters that were downstairs started to bolt up the stairs. The skunks followed close behind. Looking up, they noticed that their fellow sisters had already started building a barricade at the top of the staircase. Just as they made up past the final step, Lana quickly jumped in and finished the barricade, made out of wood, tape, and nails.

“Now what?! There are literally skunks downstairs!” cried Lori.

“We need to run away from the house!” suggested Lynn.

“No!” interjected Luna. “What if someone from school sees us, dudes? We smell like rotting trash!”

“Yeah!” said Luan, “that would really decay our reputations!”. The comedian laughed at her own joke. “Get it?!”

The rest of the Loud sisters groaned.

I don’t blame them. That was quite a stretch.

Lisa spoke up. “Our eldest sibling has a point. It would be unfortunate for us to be seen in public in our current state. Besides, our parental unit did tell us not to leave the property.”

“I’m going to kill whoever did this!”, screamed Lola. “How am I supposed to go to my pageant tomorrow smelling like this?!”

Uh… wash the spray off before the pageant?

“I think it’s obvious who did this, dudes” said Luna, grinding her teeth. “The only sibling who’s not here with us right now”.

Leni looked confused. “Why would Lily attack us with kunks?”

She wouldn’t, because there’s no such thing as a kunk.

“No, Leni, it was Lincoln. Remember how he ran out of the house just a few seconds before the skunks rank up from downstairs? He must have been the one to release them!”

There was a sudden chorus of “Oh yeah!”s and “Ooooh!”s.

“When I get my hands on him…” said Lola, churning her hands.

The child genius spoke up. “We can get revenge on our male sibling later, Lola. For now, we need to focus on how to get rid away from these skunks.

“Get rid away from”? I think you meant get rid of, and away from. You of all people should know that.

Lana jumped up and down. “I know, I know! We can use your bunker thingy that you made for April Fools day!”

She made it to hide from the pranks, if you’re curious. But it seems no bunker could protect her from bad capitalisation.

Lisa smiled. “Lana, I underestimated your intellect”.

Lana’s face lit up. “Great! Let’s get to work rounding up those critters so we can throw them in the bomb shelter! It’s gonna be like the rodeo all over again!”

Lisa’s smile faded. “Wouldn’t it be easier for us to just hide in the shelter ourselves?”

Lana put her finger up to her chin, thinking about it. “Oh, yeah”.

“It appears I have overestimated you”.

“Enough chit chat!” cut in Lynn. “Let’s run out the front door and hop down into the bunker!”

“Lynn, we need a better plan than that” said Lucy. “We’ll get sprayed even more if we just run through the skunks. We need to come up with a strategy to-“

…get clean?

Before she could finish her sentence, Lucy was cut off with the sound of cracking wood. C-C-CRACK! The girl’s makeshift barrier was broken down by the skunks.

“RUN!”

The sisters ran downstairs as fast as they could. Most of them were sprayed in the process.

“Ewww!”

Once out the front door, all 10 girls made a sharp left turn. The skunks were running behind them, still agitated and ready to spray even more. Lynn was the first to arrive at the bomb shelter, being the seasoned athlete that she was. The hatch was tight and hard to open, but if anyone could do it, it was Lynn.

“Hurry up, Lynn!”

Using all her might, the sports star managed to get it open.

“Let’s go!”

In a matter of mere seconds, all ten sisters where in the bunker. Lola, being the last one in (she didn’t want to get dirt on her dress from running too fast)

Huh? Surely getting spray on it would be even worse.

quickly closed the hatch in the nick of time. The skunks clawed at the bomb shelter, but to no avail. Lisa knew what she was doing when she built it.

Giving up, the skunks walked away into the brush behind the Loud residence, never to be seen again. Lincoln watched in amazement from behind the garage. He had just witnessed his scheme go perfectly as planned. Although he had worked out how he would launch his attack for two weeks, he was still surprised that not one thing had went wrong. He worked for months on finding a way to get the sweet spot in vanzilla after all, and than plan had failed horribly.

Lincoln was about to have his first major victory against his sisters. It just felt so… good.

The boy wasn’t going to let his success thus far go to waste. “Clyde, phase two!” 

Wait, the revenge plan isn’t over?

Lincoln and his friend quickly ran over to the bomb shelter, each of them holding a tube of superglue and a roll of duct tape. Once there, the boys quickly sealed off the hatch as best as they could. They wanted to make sure no one from inside had a chance of escaping.

The girls inside the bunker where panting heavily. They had just ran for their life moments ago, so naturally, they would be a bit low on air. Once their breathing subsided, however, one of the girls heard something.

“What’s that sound?”, questioned Leni.

“It sounds like someone ripping off duct tape from a roll”, said Lana. “I use that stuff all the time when I’m fixing stuff up”.

Lori was suspicious. “Did Mom or Dad hire a repairman? Does anything even need to be fixed?” That’s when it hit her. “GUYS! Lincoln’s trapping us in!”

Did he know that the sisters were going to go into the bomb shelter, or was he just grabbing the opportunity?

Lola was the first one to react. As soon as she heard the word ‘trap’, she sprung into action, trying to open the hatch. Unfortunately for her, it was no use. The bomb shelter was already sealed shut with glue and tape. Even with all nine sisters working hard, they were unable to move the hatch even an inch. Frustrated, Lola called out to her brother. “What gives, Lincoln?! It’s getting hot down here!”

“Now, you guys will be finally forced to listen to me! Ever since the night I broke our model house, I’ve been trying to tell you something. You’ve never let me explain myself!” This could be it. Lincoln knew if he told his sisters that him breaking the model house was an accident, they wouldn’t be as angry at him, and maybe they’d even call off the war. The boy smiled. “That night I broke our model house, it was an ac-“

Lincoln was abruptly cut off by the voice he recognized as Lola’s. “NO!” she screamed. “You’re not going to lie to us! We don’t want to hear it!”

Why on Earth do the sisters think he did it on purpose!? Do they think he hates the parents?!

The boy frowned. “Just give hear me out, guys!”

Lola refused. “No! We can’t hear you! Blah blah blah blah blah…”

“WELL,” said Lincoln, yelling so he could be heard avoid Lola blabbering, “I guess you’ll just have to wait in the bunker until you’re ready to hear me! I’ll leave you in there all night if I have to!”

The sisters around Lola were clearly unhappy with this. Lola started to blabber louder, so that her brother would be unable to even yell above her noise.

“I’m usually a fan of dark places, but this is ridiculous”, said Lucy.

“Yeah, my legs are cramped!” added the athlete. “If I keep them tucked in for much longer, I’ll need to stretch for weeks just to get them back to normal!”

“Come on, man!” complained Luna. “Let’s just hear him out so we can get out of here!”

Lola stopped blabbering. A sick, creepy smile spread out on her face. “Oh, that won’t be necessary…”

What’s she cooked up now?

“What do you mean?”.

Just then, the bomb shelter hatch opened up. The Loud sisters saw Clyde’s face, looking down at them. He was clearly not happy. He had a somber expression, like he was just forced to betray a long time friend. In fact, that’s exactly what happened. The girls came to know this as they came out of the shelter. On the ground in front of them, Lincoln was unconscious, blood gushing from his forehead.

“Clyde… what did you do?”.

I guess Lucy managed to convince him after all.

And that’s it for part one! Tune in for part two!