0301: strawberry shortcake: a new start (rewritten) – Chapter 2

Title: strawberry shortcake: a new start (rewritten)
Author: Tsume sakamea
Medium: TV Series
Topic: Strawberry Shortcake (2003)
Genre: Romance _(pfft), Humor _(BAHAHAHAHA)
Critiqued by: Yuki, the poet

Warning for glorified abuse that crosses into murderous intent on at least one occasion, in-fic swearing and lots of other behaviors that should not be in a Strawberry Shortcake fic. Especially the abuse, my gods. This fic’s abuse trivialization is making me angry and scared at the same time.

” wow who’s the party for?” cinnamon ass looking around

Gives a whole new meaning to talking out of one’s rear, I guess.

” it’s for you two ” strawberry said with a big smile

” for us, but why?” black strawberry asked

Has this fic ever heard of a full stop?

” it’s to welcome you two to strawberry land” angel cakes that coming over to them

(rubs head where two mini-Gold Sand Dollars hit her) Just, just look at this pure, concentrated example of spelling, grammar and punctuation, guys.

” aw thanks, guys” send cinnamon rubbing the back of his head

Typo aside, just look at him, he seems like a perfectly decent guy. Why must he be stuck in this shoddy piece of writing, serving an unlikable dirtbag of a Sue?

” Yeah, thanks, ” black strawberries said with a small smile, Then a girl with purple curly hair in a ponytail she had on a green tennis cap with sneakers and a purple –white and green sweat suit. Came up to cinnamon as he was eating a cupcake

Dear Smaug, now this fic’s heard of a full stop only to use it incorrectly. This fic’s punctuation is killing me.

” hi, im Raspberry torte and you are?” raspberry said introducing herself to cinnamon making black strawberry become a bit upset

Wow, aren’t you unlikable. The whole point of the show is to emphasize friendship; besides, if you don’t want him to make new friends, why are you even moving here?

“well…im…uh” cinnamon tried to answer but was too nervous too as I believe a cute girl was actually talking to him

The show has a mostly female cast. Why is it now that the fic’s calling attention to the fact a girl is speaking to him?

Before cinnamon could say something he was pulled away and black strawberry stood there glaring at raspberry

Wow, aren’t you Smauging unlikable! You treat the guy like dirt and you get all hissy when he talks to anybody else; black sueberry’s behavior is that of a textbook controlling abuser, and we’re not even halfway through the second chapter!

” im black strawberry, cinnamon’s friend/sister.

Dude, you’re not. You’re just deluding yourself into believing that.

Is there something I can help you with?” black strawberry ask

Go die in a ditch and leave a lighthearted children’s cartoon alone, you abhorrent sack of refuse.

“black strawberry, what do you think you’re doing?” cinnamon as trying to stop her

“shut it and eat a cupcake,” she told him as she stuffed a cupcake in his mouth

Let’s start a fight for no reason and brutalize somebody in the middle of a party, man. That’s totally gonna endear you to people.

” Hey, I was talking to cinnamon!” raspberry bark but black strawberry didn’t say anything as she dragged away cinnamon away only for raspberry to run over to her and tapped her on the shoulder

Let’s intimidate people whom you’re meeting for the first time and who are trying to welcome you into their community. What a lovely person.

” don’t ignore me when I’m talking to you,” she said putting hands on her hips

“How dare you speak to another human being!”

only as sentiment started to panic

Who is Sentiment?

as he could feel the hell heat rising within black strawberry and have to stop this before it gets too late

Do note that we’re supposed to like black sueberry for this. Again, the show is about being friends and having fun together; is this Sue trying to inhabit the same show I watched?

” Okay, that’s enough! , black strawberry you’re not going to start this again ” he told her trying to be serious

And she’s acted like this multiple times to boot!

“what, I didn’t do anything… Yet” she said with a grin

You, you deranged psychopath! What have the denizens of Strawberryland done to deserve having to deal with you?

” are you threatening me,” said raspberry as cinnamon once again got in between them

Also, where is everyone else at the party? Why aren’t they paying attention to this altercation going on right in front of them? Won’t somebody defend Raspberry, please?

” black strawberry please, just Go drink some juice or something or… You can go hang out with black licorice”

Oh great, another edgy, poorly written OC.

Black strawberry scoffed when she heard that

” cinnamon you know that black licorice is not even with us but even if he was I wouldn’t go near that rat,” she said looking away from him

Awfully rich of you to be calling anyone a rat, you sick, horrible scum.

” if licorice isn’t here, then who’s that, ” cinnamon asked pointing across from her as she turned and saw black licorice wave to her happily

Oh great, an edgy, badly-written OC with implausible transportation powers.

then walked off mad leaving raspberry with cinnamon

” Sorry about that, she’s like a sister to me,

This cinnamon guy appears to exhibit Stockholm syndrome. That, or he’s plainly too afraid to come clean about black sueberry’s abuse. Either way, he’s showing classic behaviors of an abuse victim and oh dear Ilúvatar somebody save this kid.

anyway My name is green apple cinnamon, “

May I take a moment to point out how terrible the OCs’ names are. They sound very awkward compared to canon names; I mean, “green apple cinnamon”? How is that possible? How do you make cinnamon have traits of a green apple?

he said with a slight blush appearing on his face

“well it nice to meet you cinnamon, I hope we become best friends,” raspberry said

Aww, this sounds like it could’ve come from the original show. Raspberry is being totally nice and friendly; why would anyone try to denigrate her for it?

in a flirting tone

… this fic would, of course. Bash a canon character some more, why don’t you? Has it ever occurred to you that a girl could try to be friendly with a boy without having romantic motives? Especially in a no-romance children’s series?

Peppermint pov)

More unnecessary, bad point-of-view announcements.

peppermint was drinking a cup a juice until someone screamed and looked and saw the 2 new kids,

Two is just three letters. Don’t use numerals in storytelling text unless it’s a date or a measurement.

the girl name was black strawberry and the boy name cinnamon and it seems she was fighting with raspberry but didn’t know why a minute later she walked off mad.

Do we need to have events happening just moments ago reiterated?

something about this girl didn’t feel right or maybe it was in her imagination

Somebody give Peppermint a gold medal, she’s the real hero of the story.

as she watched the girl watch raspberry with a look of anger on her face as she picked up a knife from the table and started to play with it just when she looked liked she was gonna throw it

Yes, a murder attempt in Strawberry Shortcake. Who needs this? Who asks for this? Can’t we leave kids’ shows alone?

Black sueberry, you’re among the most reprehensible Sues I’ve ever seen. Heck, I can safely declare her worse than Suekura Shambling Baloney and Nisha-Sue. All three are spectacularly cruel and vindictive, but black sueberry takes it up a notch due to how chillingly realistic she is. Compared to the one with idiotic geisha powers and the one with time-travel, she’s just a powerless juvenile punk. Her actions however hit easily recognizable, expert-advised criteria for real-life domestic abuse: extreme jealousy and attempting to cut off victim’s social interactions; extreme mistreatment of victim (cinnamon refers to time spent with her as torture, and she shoved a cupcake at his face earlier this very chapter); alternating constantly and unpredictably between a nice facade and a deranged true self. She even attempts murder when there’s a chance of her victim getting away from her influence. She’s the portrayal of a realistic abuser; people like her exist in real life. Despite all of this, she’s positioned as the quirky heroine of the story, and anyone who opposes her (Peppermint) is treated as wrong. I’m very concerned about the worldview of the mind that produced this story.

strawberry walked up to black strawberry, peppermint saw black strawberry change from being mad to being nice making peppermint become even more suspicious of her

Which, of course, makes Peppermint the bad guy.

Black strawberry pov)

ARGH!

as Strawberry was talking to black strawberry about things in strawberry land

Again, black sueberry has just started a fight and terrorized her own friend in front of all party guests. It’s rather irresponsible and OOC for everyone involved to just act like nothing happened.

her eyes turn to see licorice

Licorice Whip?

watching her from afar, Black licorice is a boy with tan skin, long black dreads pulled in a ponytail, brown eyes and wears a black sweater shirt with grey pants and black shoes.

Gotta hammer in that edgy bad boi!!1one! energy a bit more.

He’s a bit taller then green apple and black strawberry as black licorice made his way over to black strawberry

Has he suddenly grown taller as he walks up to Sue?

” what are you doing here?” she asked angrily

“following you and my friend Cinnamon of course” he answered playfully

Oh, he’s also a creep.

“Oh, hello im strawberry shortcake and you are?” strawberry asked in a sweet voice

“ gary stu”

” my name is black licorice and I didn’t think you and black strawberry were twins,”

Again, the fic described black sueberry as having completely different features from Strawberry. Also, stop comparing Strawberry to that jerkbucket.

he said making strawberry giggle

Does she have any characterization other than smiling and giggling at the Sues and their nonsense?

” you’re kidding right? ” black strawberry said raising an eyebrow with her arms crossed

” oh no, me and black strawberry aren’t related,” Strawberry said

“oh well ,can’t have everything we want”

Da heck is this answer? Are you looking for an incestuous three-way relationship?

he said flirting as he turned to black strawberry with a smile,

This guy has just debuted and I already want to deck him across the face. Who asks for an annoying edgy creepozoid in Strawberry Shortcake?

After talking with strawberry she left to go talk with other people as black strawberry was fighting with black licorice over a cookie that she wanted but at the time black licorice can be a little devilish

Devilish? Try creepy and annoying.

” hand it over right now black licorice!” she said as she tried to hit him but he held her back with a hand on her forehead as she swung her arms wildly

” but I want a piece to, ” he said in a baby voice as he held the cookie away so she couldn’t reach it and had a grin on his face as she tried to reach for it

Juvenile, stereotypical schoolyard taunts. Such funny. Much not a waste of time.

“just because you’re a bit taller then I don’t mean I can’t hurt you,” She told him

She is awfully eager to resort to violence. Our heroine, ladies and gentlemen.

” I’ll tell Cinnamon that you’re playing hardball again”

I don’t see what difference that makes. She’s already openly abusing him.

“fine you keep it,” she told him not even caring anymore, Black strawberry sigh until she heard someone call her name and turned to see her friend sour kiss summer.

Oh great, another Mary Sue. Spoiler alert, she’s even worse than black sueberry as the story progresses.

summer has fair skin and bright blue eyes. She has long, waist-length blonde hair, a lime wedge clip rests on the left side of her head,

Sooo you’re ripping off Lime Light.

summer wears a blue blouse with a lime green top with elbow-length sleeves, She also wears blue flats, Her leggings are blue and lime green.

My eyes are swirling just from visualizing this color combination.

“You did not just bring this girl with you,” she said

(tiredly) Yes, making Strawberryland deal with three Suvians is a bit too much.

“Of course I did I mean she is your best friend isn’t she?”

Heh, black sueberry has a best friend?

before Black strawberry could do anything she was tackled to the ground and hugged to death by summer

Ding dong, the Sue is dead!

” I missed you rocky!” she said in a squealing voice

“don’t call me that, and could you please get off of me ” black strawberry said trying to pull her off

” sorry” summer said with a giggle as she held her friend up then she heard someone yelling at strawberry about “THEY” can’t be here,

Finally, a voice of reason.

black strawberry looked around for the girl who was talking about them and saw a girl with short bob cut blonde hair, She has green eyes,She wears a red long-sleeved shirt with one white stripe, white long capri pants with pink shoes with red soles, She sports a wide-brimmed red hat with a red-and-white-striped trim and a peppermint symbol on it.

This would be Peppermint Fizz. This fic is still terrible at description.

“strawberry you can’t keep letting strangers in strawberry land” peppermint said angrily getting everybody’s attention

This is what gets everyone’s attention rather than a murder attempt, of course.

” why not?” strawberry asked Confused

Who the heck is Confused?

” if any more comes in strawberry land will be destroyed by them!” Peppermint said as she pointed to black strawberry, Black licorice, and summer

Come on, she has a point. Those three are evil monsters.

” but peppermint everyone is welcome in strawberry land, ” Strawberry said

Buddy, this is not the same situation as Rainbow Sherbet. Rainbow literally does nothing wrong, she just has a different lifestyle. Those three abuse and terrorize people.

” NO! If you won’t kick them out then will all be in danger!” peppermint shouted

Come on, she has a point. Black sueberry flat-out attempted to murder Raspberry, remember?

” peppermint calm down… ” strawberry said as she was cut off

Heck, not just Peppermint, Strawberry herself should have seen it too. The very text stated that the Sue was almost throwing the knife when Strawberry walked up to her.

” no, just watch and see you will be sorry,” she said as everyone watched her walk off making Black licorice wonder what was that about

” is there a limit to being here?” licorice asked going up to Strawberry

“Yes, not being abusive and all-around evil trash heaps.”

” of course not, don’t mind peppermint she’s just being her mean selfish self again,

For not wanting her friends to be potentially murdered?

she’s not used to having a lot of people come to Strawberry land like this.

Sues, you’re not Rainbow Sherbet. Stop deluding yourself into believing she and you are similar in any way.

But there is no need for you and your friends to worry, black strawberry you and your friends are welcome to stay as long as you want ” Said strawberry with a smile

Dude, Strawberry is reduced to little more than the Sues’ sycophant. How has she not seen the stuff black sueberry pulled right in the middle of a party? Why is she defending her so hard?

and Black licorice nodded. an hour later once the party was done cinnamon got a tackled by summer who gave him a big hug and was shocked to see her here seeing that the last time he saw her she said she was gonna find a magical place called candy mountain, so Black licorice stayed with Cinnamon and summer stayed with black strawberry overnight ,the next day Black licorice and black strawberry was fighting again over who had the best cake .

Also, this is one sentence.

Cinnamon was watching and summer was chanting “FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT!”

I want to sock this girl across the face too.

for a minute in a half until Cinnamon got bored and walked off to find raspberry without black strawberry knowing

Cinnamon pov)

I’d like to find the first person giving rise to this trope and have a talk. Published books don’t do this, folktales don’t do this, so where did this POV tag crap come from?

It didn’t take long for him to find her, he found her in the field doing stretches
So he mead his way to her

Ew. He turned into honey wine?

“hey raspberry, ” he said greeting her as Raspberry turned and saw cinnamon and smiled

” Hey, I didn’t think I would get to see you again,” she said

“Yeah well im not that glued with black strawberry”

Coupled with everything else, this comes off as a cry for help.

” do you mind if I ask, how did you meet her?”

” Uh well to tell you the truth she found me.” cinnamon said as he sat on the ground and she sat down next to him

Flashback)

There’s this thing called a divider. There’s an easy button for it on FF.net. Use it.

“lets see I need some of this and this and this and some of those oh yes and this two!” cinnamon was at home near the blackberry forest trying to make the best drink of all, well lets say cooking isn’t his best priority,

Isn’t his forte. Priority means something to be done first.

then a big explosion went off as he was covered in root beer

Also, why is he trying to heat a drink that’s supposed to be served cold?

[SNIP: Someone (read: black sueberry) is secretly watching him and laughing at him as he carries on his experiment. The next day, he tries to boil root beer with ice cream. It explodes again. Such funny. Much humorous]

Besides, chemistry fail much? A drink that explodes all over you when you heat it is probably not very safe to drink. What’s in that root beer?

… wait , he’s heating that thing over a fire, isn’t he? Yikes, shouldn’t he be scalded by now? Have you ever fried something and gotten droplets of hot oil splashing on you? Apparently, our man here is suffering through much worse, and yet he still lives.

“AW COME ON, YOUR ICE CREAM FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!” he shouted as he heard the laughter again

In short, black sueberry stalks him over two days solely to laugh at him for something he’s keeping to himself.

“WERE THE HELL IS THAT LAUGHING COMING FROM?!” he screamed

I don’t blame you, kid. In times like this, you have every right to be angry.

“im sorry” said an unknown voice as

cinnamon turn around and saw across from him stood a young girl with dark purple hair in a ponytail and lavender eyes wearing a raincoat

Ouch. That can’t be good for your eyes.

” Uh, who are you? And where did you come from?”

” Im

mary sue and I came from sue planet”

black strawberry rock and I live waaaaay over there” Cinnamon just looked at the girl as she pointed in the direction of the blackberry forest

“Uh oh, so why are you dressed in a raincoat?” he asked

“Why are you covered in ice cream that smells like root beer?” she asked him with a grin

“And why are you so patently insufferable?” Yuki asked with a grimace.

“Ah, touché,” he said

” you’re excused, ” she said with a smile with a little bow,

You’re the one who should be apologizing to him, you brat.

to cinnamon she was just an annoying girl that wanted to bug him

He’s annoyed by her from the start. He’s never liked her, or wanted her around. Instead of genuinely developing a good friendship, she forces herself into his life and cowers him into submission.

” Yeah so uh kid Im very busy so if you don’t mind you should go home,” he told her as he tried to get back to work

“Im, not a kid and please im 13 dudes!” she said putting a hand on her hip

She’s somehow one girl and thirteen boys at the same time?

” And im 14, go home,” he told her turning his back to her as she walked in front of him making him look up at her

Go. The Smaug. Away! Get the hint and leave him alone, you unbearable idiot!

” But I can’t im lost,” she said cinnamon sigh

“No, you’re clearly making up an excuse to force me to hang around you. Find your own way home, I’m not interested.”

and agreed to help her

” Will I guess I can help you get back?” he said to her

“And once you get home, you must promise you won’t bother me again. Otherwise, I can and will call the cops on you.”

” Really? Thank you uh …” she said happily

” my name is green apple cinnamon,” cinnamon said introducing to the girl

“it’s nice to meet you, ” she said with a closed-eyed smile

“And it’s not nice to meet you,” he replied.

Flashback over)

” So pretty much after finding her way home Black strawberry and I have been with her for a long time “

Clearly, taking someone home is an invitation for that person to latch onto your life and make you miserable.

” wow, but even for that long don’t you think that she needs to back off? “Raspberry asked

Thank you. Thank you for being the second voice of reason.

“uh, what do you mean? “

” I mean you can’t be happy in life if you have her around”

She’s rivaling Peppermint for that Best Character We’re Supposed to Hate nomination.

“well yeah but raspberry, black strawberry is my friend and I don’t mind having her around.

Seriously, if this isn’t Stockholm syndrome, I don’t know what is. Either that, or he’s on pain of being harmed or worse if he tries to run away or expresses the desire to do so. Ugh, these realistic abuse overtones are making my stomach hurt.

Maybe down the road, we will go our separate ways but for now, I don’t think she is going anywhere”

This is just depressing. Some nasty chick obnoxiously makes herself home in the boy’s life and abuses him, and he can’t make her go away even after moving somewhere new.

” yeah well I don’t think I can get along with a girl like her around “

Man, what I wouldn’t give for a spitefic where Strawberryland inhabitants gang up against the Sues and drive them out of town.

” and I don’t think I can get along with a girl like you!”

You almost murdered her.

Cinnamon and raspberry looked around to find the voice as they looked up in a tree it was black strawberry, Black licorice, and summer

Oh great, Mary Sues with Sueper teleportation powerz.

” im dead ” cinnamon said” it was nice knowing you Raspberry”

Black strawberry and Black licorice jump down from the tree and summer fell from the tree and got up like nothing happened

” green apple cinnamon im disappointed in you!”Black strawberry said

“Well guess what princess, I don’t exist just to please you and meet your insane expectations!”

“but I – hey wait how did you get in the tree?” cinnamon asked

Plot contrivance.

” how could you leave me with “HIM?” “Black strawberry said pointing to licorice

” Hey!”

” And then run off with “HER”?” Black strawberry said pointing to Raspberry

“Newsflash, my life doesn’t revolve around you! If I went to all that trouble moving to a new neighborhood, I very well have the right to go talk to my new neighbors! You’re not going to die if I’m away from you for a few seconds!”

” HEY!”

” dude …really?!” licorice said

” I think cinnamon like raspberry!” summer said,

This fic has a royally messed-up concept of friendship. The main characters are seemingly incapable of forming healthy friendships: either someone is abused into being their “friend”, or they think trying to be friendly with someone else equals outright romance. What on earth are these people even doing in Strawberry Shortcake?

Black strawberry glared at cinnamon as he backed up in fright holding his hands up

” w-w-wait a minute black strawberry we were just talking is all and uh your name just got in it and all. But I promise that it wasn’t anything bad “Cinnamon said scared now knowing that black strawberry could kill him or raspberry

Folks, look at that statement coming straight out of the fic’s mouth. Strawberryland is in danger!

” look I just thought you wanted to hang out with me today seeing that we just moved here if you had other plans you could have told me ” black strawberry said

“Guess what, I’m not your dog! I don’t have to follow you everywhere! I went with you to a party yesterday, what more do you want?”

“im…sorry”

“forget it we will hang out next time I guess”

” oh wait! We can hang out together rocky!?” summer asked

” fine but stop calling me that”

Is this supposed to be funny?

” yay, it’s summer and Black strawberry day!”

” and this is why you should have stayed back home”

Same goes for you, so Strawberryland doesn’t have to put up with your abusive, psycho ways.

And with that Black strawberry walked off with summer skipping behind her and Black licorice follows behind them leave cinnamon with raspberry.

Good riddance, you insufferable buffoons.

so pretty much cinnamon spent the day with raspberry, getting to know her and stuff

This fic also seems incapable of describing healthy friendship development. It goes to a lot of trouble showing sueberry’s terrorism that lead to her friendship with cinnamon, while glossing over the interaction he has with Raspberry.

then raspberry left to do other stuff as for cinnamon he went to see hackberry

I agree, black sueberry’s characterization is a hack job.

but on his way there he wasn’t home so he thought to just go home.

Wait, so this “hackberry” is a guy? Who is this?