Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Asylum. I’m Linstar, and today I’m back with a solo riff of two Klikky fics! …well, a fic and a chapter, at least, though I’m using the word “chapter” quite loosely.
In any case, this chapter is the new fifth chapter of EWPPG, which, up until quite recently, was up instead of its previous fifth and sixth ones. Now why would Klikky do such a thing? Why would he replace two chapters of dull rambling with a different chapter of dull rambling? Let’s find out!
Chapter 5: Quick Update
Hey, guys. I know that it’s been a while, and even with AI,
Critiqued by: Linstar; Em Kay; BatJamags; Yuki, the poet; MisterShoebox; Delta XIII
A rather green-looking Editing Em: Hey guys, I’m just gonna drop these warnings off and hop in the Brain Bleach Jacuzzi for the next few millennia.
**WARNING**
This fic contains pedophilia, incest, gratuitous sexual content, multiple instances of sexual assault and outright rape, as well as justifications for said assaults and rape. While the most graphic details have been snipped, reader discretion is advised and reading the actual fic is heavily, heavily warned against. Trust me.
Critiqued by: Linstar; Em Kay; Yuki, the poet, MisterShoebox; BatJamags; Delta XIII
Ls: Warning for a bunch of sexual content, including incest and pedophilia. Em has snipped most of the explicit parts, but that’s the main point of this fic. Also, warning for this being a Klikky fic.
Em: Yeah, this thing lives up to its abbreviation; EWPPG.
Shoe: I hate Klikky so much, Lin. I hate him with every fiber of my misbegotten SOUL. I hate the concept of language itself because of this fic… and you know what? I hate you for making me read it.
Ls: Oh, and No Swearing is off for this one. *cracks knuckles* I do not exaggerate when I say this could well be the worst fic we’ve ever riffed on the Asylum.
Em: *hurk* I personally back up that assessment.
Yuki: And so far the first Klikky fic to go beyond 2 chapters too. We’re doomed.
Bats: So. It begins anew.
Delta:
Ls: Delta, I feel so sorry for you, having had this as your first Klikky fic. At least the other ones were sometimes just dumb and boring; this one is decidedly the worst of the lot. The rest of us were eased into it, somewhat.
Ls: Actually, wait, no. I envy you for not having read any of the other fics. I also envy my past self.
Critiqued by: Linstar; Yuki the Snow Poet; BatJamags; Crazy Minh
PSA: This riff will be the last group riff of a Kiacstu fic for a while. I’m taking a break on it; go read Em’s group riff instead!
*A young man opens a door to the riffing room.*
Ls: *yawns and stretches as he sits down in his chair* Hi everybody, I’m Linstar, and we’re doing more Kiacstu, this time in a canon I am utterly unfamiliar with–not that that’s anything new.
*Bats stands outside the riffing chamber, silhouetted by light from within and carrying a briefcase.*
Bats: You know, I didn’t realize this was a repurposed rock track; weird.
*He enters, dressed entirely in blue, and throws the briefcase aside.*
Bats: Um, anyway, I heard we’ve got yet another canon possessed by dark forces, and while our problem is less Pazuzu and more Pastustu, I expect we are at least in for plenty of projectile regurgitation, in this case of plot. But I, uh, don’t know anything about the actual source material either.
*Minh walks out of a hidden door disguised as a bookcase wearing Hellboy cosplay and carrying a massive four-shot revolver*
Minh: Neither do I, but I’m sure this fic could use some exorcizing of its own.
Ls: In that case, time to do what all lazy twelve-year-olds used to use to complete school reports before ChatGPT: Wikipedia! Ahem:
The story revolves around Rin Okumura, who, along with his younger twin Yukio Okumura, was raised by Father Shiro Fujimoto, an Exorcist. One day, Rin learns that he and Yukio are the sons of Satan. Witnessing Shiro dying to protect him, Rin draws the demon-slaying sword Kurikara (倶利伽羅), which restrains his demonic powers. From that moment on, Rin not only gains demonic features like fangs and a tail, but also the power to ignite into blue flames that destroy almost anything he touches.
Rin wishes to become an Exorcist like his guardian to become stronger and to defeat Satan. He enrolls at the prestigious True Cross Academy (正十字学園, Sei Jūji Gakuen), an exorcist cram school, which is actually the Japanese branch of the True Cross Order (正十字騎士團, Sei Jūji Kishidan), an international organization dedicated to protect Assiah (human realm) from the Gehenna (demonic realm). Much to his surprise, Rin finds that Yukio is already a veteran Exorcist and is one of his teachers. Thus begins Rin’s journey to become an Exorcist, accompanied by his brother and his fellow students who quickly become his close friends.
Critiqued by: Linstar; Mister Shoebox; BatJamags; SC; Em Kay
*A young man falls through a portal on the ceiling of the riffing chamber.*
Ls: Aaah–ow!
*Ls looks around the room.*
Ls: Oh, look, a riff. Greeeat. Welcome to Klikky’s idea of a Zelda fic. Someone else, feel free to do the infodump.
*SC, wearing a lobster shirt, kicks open the door (gently; he more like “nudges” the door open) and saunters over to his seat, laying a heavily ornamented shield, a Distinct Sword, and a magical conducting baton down by the desk. The baton makes angelic singing noises as it moves.*
Critiqued by: Linstar; SC; BatJamags, MisterShoebox, Em Kay (with guest appearances from Yuki!)
Please be warned: this fic features pedophilia, incest, and misogyny. -Linstar
*A young man pokes his head through a trapdoor and climbs up out of it.*
Ls:Greeeeetings, folks, and welcome back to the Asylum. See, I won’t let something as pathetic as a little black hole stop me from making fun of Kiacstu!
*Ls gets out a small black button and presses it.*
Ls: Aaaaany second now, the Riff-Signal will shine in everyone’s eyes, summoning them.
Ls: Aaaaany second now.
*SC walks into the room wearing sunglasses, a black bathrobe, socks and flip-flops; he flips off the Riff-Signal for making his eyes hurt, and sits down, placing a cheap replica katana on the desk*
SC: …Alright, look, I never received Shinigami training, I have to make do.
*Something crashes into the door before it opens and Em stumbles in, arms outstretched and feeling around for obstacles.*
Em: I appreciate you trying to burn out my retinas before subjecting me to another of these fics, but this is a little much.
Ls: Yeeees, that was definitely my intention.
*There’s a BANG as Shoe literally bursts through the wall, looking wild-eyed and clutching a broom in his hand.*
Shoe: No, mom, I swear, I don’t want to put up any more decorations – Oh, I’m here now. Neat.
*Shutting off the Riff-Signal reveals Bats has mysteriously appeared from offscreen and has been standing in the shadows behind it the whole time, trying his best to look dramatic even though no one could see him until just now.*
Ls: Anyway, the fic is a crossover between Bleach and Ore no Imouto ga Konna ni Kawaii Wake ga Nai, usually shortened to Oreimo. I know nothing of Bleach, so I’ll let SC infodump that one.
Critiqued by: Linstar; BatJamags; SC; MisterShoebox; Em Kay (Guest appearances by Yuki)
*A wild Ls falls down directly through the ceiling.*
Ls: Aaaa!–ow.
Ls: Stupid floor. Who thought it was a good idea to put the sign for our bottomless pit near a regular hole? Now I have to riff this mess, instead of just floating blissfully through the void.
Ls: Anyway, welcome to the Asylum, next chapter of Naruto, blah blah blah.
Critiqued by: Linstar; Mister Shoebox; BatJamags; SC; Em Kay (Guest appearances by Yuki!)
*Ls opens a trapdoor in the floor and walks up through it.*
Ls: Welcome, everyone, back to our group riff. This time, it’s a fic that just features Naruto, and his canon. I’m not quite sure to what extent Kiacstu is involved, but it’s a Prince Klikky fic, so I consider it fair game.
*SC poofs into the chamber, coughing*
SC: *Cough cough* How do ninjas do this trick- *cough* -all the time- *cough* -without choking on the- oh, uh, hi. I’m here. I hope there’s not a lot of infodumps to have to do this time, because, uh, I’m the guy, again.
Ls: At least you’ve already infodumped a lot of this, given that Naruto shows up in every other fic too.
*An orderly enters with a patient in a golden straightjacket on a dolly. The patient is unceremoniously dumped into Em’s chair and their gag removed before the orderly silently leaves.*
Title:Nameless Titan Author: Prince of the Forgotten Medium: Comic Books, TV Series Topic:Teen Titans Genre: Adventure, Fantasy Critiqued by: Linstar; BatJamags; Mister Shoebox; SC; Em Kay (With guest appearances from Yuki!)
*A dark shadow appears, illuminated only by the firelight.*
Ls: Who forgot to turn on the lights? Where’s the switch–oh, wait, I see.
Ls: Ahem.
Ls: Welcome back to the torture that is Kiacstu. It continues.
Bats: I don’t suppose there’s any chance of it not doing that, is there?
Shoe: Oh, sure. In some blessed alternate universe. Unfortunately, we live in this one.
Ls: Well, there’s only like twenty more fics to go, so… eventually it might.
*SC wanders in, no longer wearing his Pilot uniform*
SC: Okay, I’m here, time for round two of-
*SC recoils from the sudden echo in the riffing chamber*
SC: Wow, it feels louder in here than normal! *looks up* Ah. It appears that our font size got bumped up to twelve from the ten-and-a-half it had been previously. Readers probably won’t notice, but in editing, it was so much easier to see what I was typing!
Title:Nameless Titan Author: Prince of the Forgotten Medium: Comic Books, TV Series Topic:Teen Titans Genre: Adventure, Fantasy Critiqued by: Yuki, the poet; Linstar; MisterShoebox; BatJamags; SC; Em Kay
*MisterShoebox sits there, grumpily. He’s chewing a hunk of beef jerky and has his hand on a Hug Hound (™), a big, goofy-looking dog with a vague smile on her face.* Let’s just get this over with.
*Ls floats down from the balcony that has suddenly always been there. He takes off his winged sneakers and throws them down.*
Ls: Yuki has informed us that she has permanently left the site and will not continue these riffs. Thus, I am now continuing them from now on. Because of this, I’m not going to be able to continue the FANGIRL JAPANESE count, because I know absolutely nothing about Japanese.
*A badly brutalized computer screen is hurled into the riffing chamber. SC, wearing strange body armor, follows after it, a large gun smoking not at all suspiciously in his hand.*
SC: *Ahem* Hi. Was, uh… having internet troubles. Sorry about the mess. So! Teen Titans today, huh? That’s gonna be… a thing. I am feeling several emotions about this thing right now. One of them might be despair, but I can’t say for certain yet.
*SC takes a seat and holsters his gun*
Bats: I don’t wanna do it.
SC: But you gotta, though.
Bats: I know; I’m just registering my strenuous objections.
*Em flops sullenly into her chair.*
Em: Yeah, same.
Ls: *sets down his clipboard. An intern grabs it and throws it into a nearby fireplace.* Your complaints are registered. Feel better now?
The Asylum Riffs 
