Greetings and salutations, Wardens and lunatics. I’m Em Kay, your snarker for the day, and with me is the very reluctant Harri.
Harri: Just get on with it. I’ve put this off long enough already.
Alright, alright. Today we’re finishing up this Sailor Moon x LOTR x supposedly Gundam Wing crossover, although that part hasn’t shown itself yet. This is the last half of the last chapter, though, so at least in theory it should appear in here somewhere.
Last time, we were treated to another long, rambling, supposedly Lord of the Rings flavored “parody” in the not-fic portion of the fic before the author finally got around to the actual fic. With Amy as the new protagonist, we were subjected to an equally boring but somehow even dumber scene of Ms. Haruna, the newly promoted principal of their school, being vain, obsessed with hot pink, and pining over Jadeite, or as she knows him, Mr. Jed. Amy eventually got fed up with Ms. Haruna’s new characterization and bailed, heading to the bathroom.
Greetings and salutations, Wardens and lunatics. I’m Em Kay-
Harri: And I’m impatient.
And that would be Harri, the cranky assassin.
Harri: I don’t like delays.
You’ll get your turn with the fic once I’m done, and then you can take out as many characters as your twisted little heart desires.
Harri: My jobs are for business, not pleasure. Although there have been a few people I’ve considered doing without pay. You know, as a… public service.
Riiiight. Anyway, we’re starting the second chapter today, so let’s get to the recap.
Last time, every teacher at Serena’s school conveniently quit and were subsequently replaced by canon villains who are somehow now both good and incredibly stupid. Jadeite convinced Serena to spy on her teacher-turned-principal, which was immediately forgotten in favor of introducing some vague characters supposedly from Gundam Wing.
Harri: As much as this fic jumps around, I doubt they’ll last very long.
True.
The madness continues…
We know. You’re in the Asylum for a reason, deary.
Hi, hello, and greetings. Today, the fic being covered is legolas by laura, one of the most well-known badfics ever. It’s pretty hilarious on its own, and most of my commentary will just be links pointing out funny malapropisms. I know Yuki has riffed it before on Das Sporking, go check that out. Also, it mentions sexual assault, albeit in the least graphic way possible.
Ls: Hello everyone, and welcome back to the Asylum. I’m Linstar, and with me today is returning guest riffer TheBefuddledBookworm!
Book: Hi! I have written a few pieces of bad fanfic in the past, and I am now redeeming that with poking holes in this piece. More recently, I have been trying to write some better fanfic.
Ls: Indeed. Today, we’re covering an old shame of Bookworm’s and it should be interesting to see how this goes. Let’s just say that it is indisputably better than even WaH, at least SPaG-wise.
Title: “The Wandering Blue Wizard” Author: WanderingBlueWizard (also “Angelina Aintithenniel”) Media: Film Canon: The Lord of the Rings Genre: adventure, romance URL: https://www.quotev.com/story/4341687/The-Wandering-Blue-Wizard/2 Critiqued by bookish1wyrm
Welcome back, fellow readers! Been way too long since I posted anything here. (Very very belated thank you to everyone who commented on chapter one!) Last time, we basically read this lady’s character sheet and I pointed out some of the more baffling elements therein. Now we get to see how Angie’s character actually works in a story! …by starting with an outfit link that doesn’t actually exist and a conversation between two completely different characters. Sure, okay.
Outfit
“Where is she?”
Elrond asked Gandalf. Elrond had to pros pone the council for another hour to wait for her, and he was becoming both worried and a little impatient.
That’s not a typo on my part, by the way, the dialogue tags actually are on a separate line from the dialogue itself. Also I hope chicky has a good reason for being late to this thing.
(In canon I’m not entirely certain Elrond would even know the Blue Wizards exist, considering they mostly operated in the eastern lands.)
“She has been delayed, it is not like her to be late. Do not fret, she will come.”
Gandalf explained. He too was worried, he knew who had delayed his daughter. For the same person had delayed him when he was going to meet the hobbits at the Prancing Pony. He knew Angelina would never accept an offer to join Sauron, but was frightened to what Sauroman would do to her.
I guess meeting your other wizard dad is a good reason. Also, no disrespect, Gandalf, but your (ugh) daughter has a bow of infinite reloading and several pointy objects. I think Saruman’s the one who should be worried.
Title: “The Wandering Blue Wizard” Author: WanderingBlueWizard (also “Angelina Aintithenniel”) Media: Film Canon: The Lord of the Rings Genre: adventure, romance Fiction rating: not rated Additional tags: Tenth Walker, infodump introduction URL: https://www.quotev.com/story/4341687/The-Wandering-Blue-Wizard/1 Critiqued by bookish1wyrm
Welcome to my first proper riff here in the Asylum. I decided to go for something classic you don’t see much nowadays. A good old Tenth Walker Sue Legomance who’s Gandalf’s adopted daughter and a wizard in her own right, plus she knows everybody from The Hobbit side of the canon and has a pet dragon.
Okay, maybe not that classic. Still, I hope to make it a fun ride for all y’all, and maybe for myself. I’d drop a Tolkien spoiler warning but that would be stupid.
I wasn’t kidding about the pet dragon, by the way. Not only does she mention it at the end (along with a white horse who I’m sure will never be relevant again), but the author blatantly yoinked a semi-official photo of Daenerys Targaryen–complete with baby Rhaegal–as a faceclaim for chicky here.
Théoden, kindly demonstrating the eternal riffer mood.
Gandalf told the company about the 5 great wizards; Sauroman the white, himself, the 2 blues, and Radagast the brown. He claimed to have forgotten the 2 blue’s names, which is true, my name always seems to loose him. Hello, my name is Angelina, the blue witch. I travel with Gandalf the grey. I helped Thorin Oakensheild and the company take back Erebor and slay the dragon. I have been informed that the ring of power has been found, by none other than the famous Bilbo Baggins. So, now I am on my way to Rivendell to discuss the matter.
Off to a good start already. Firstly, “Angelina” (and her incredibly obvious nickname “angel”) references a creature foreign to Arda except in thematics (see: Balrogs being corrupted former servants of Eru Ilúvatar, outright referred to as demons).
Secondly, dragons in Tolkien are pretty consistently shown to be greedy, dangerous, maybe a bit maniacal. But even if they weren’t, the cognitive dissonance of having a tiny dragon as your pet when you helped save an entire kingdom and at least two cities by killing one a few decades back staggers my imagination.
(Sauroman and Oakensheild the mini-Balrogs crawl out from under the desk)
Ah yes, that staple of badfic everywhere: Minis!
For those of you reading who aren’t also PPC members, a “mini” is a cat-sized version of a canonical monster–in this case, the Balrog–created when an author misspells a character name, place, McGuffin, or what have you.
The Asylum Riffs 